Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

To follow up: Yesterday things did not go so smoothly. My husband was surprised when I told him his car was gone and he could no longer drive, just what I'd told him the previous evening. He blew up, wanted to know what Alzheimer's had to do with driving, threatened to move out, and sulked for the rest of the day. By evening he was back to more-or-less normal, but I never know which way things are going to go now. I thought everything was stable and now I see it's not. It's like being in quicksand, slowly sinking. I need to make some decisions that he won't want to go along with. He doesn't want to spend money on anything, so our backyard is totally out of control, parts of our house need repair, I need to replace my 21 yr. old car, and only recently he accepted a basic flip phone because I wanted him to have it for safety reasons. He wouldn't allow a smart phone, nor would he be able to use one. He can barely use the flip phone. Living in close quarters with someone with dementia is like being in a cage with a tiger. Most of the time it's sweet and sleepy, but when it is agitated, look out.

I am having a hard time adjusting my attitude. My husband is very smart, a writer and editor, very funny, and usually charming in a number of ways. He loves to tell stories and our guests/friends/family don't see any real difference in him except a lost word or name or in one case only, telling the same story twice on the same occasion. I'm having trouble relating to this new person and making connections with him. I find myself being angry that he can't remember the third time I answer a question within an hour, which is of course absurd, and the only way around it is humor, which actually works well but I can't always stop my immediate reaction that of course he knows... Then I feel I'm being cruel and I always apologize but that makes HIM feel bad. And if I'm calculating every response that seems like a very inauthentic way to relate to someone you love.
I also struggle with letting him continue to be useful in his old way of always doing the dishes and putting them away, putting away groceries, making the bed (that one is fine and easy to fix), taking out garbage, bringing in the mail, making coffee (in our expensive but extremely simple machine, and at least every week there's one disaster but so far not unfixable), etc. But that can mean vegetables going into the bread box where they're not seen for days, since I almost never eat bread. It can take hours for me to find something I use everyday. He loses his glasses at least ten times a day and gets frantic, yet never puts them in the appointed places and complains when he finds them that they don't let him see better than he does without them - he is legally blind and has been losing vision dramatically in the last year. There's nothing to be done about that. He's also quite deaf, and refuses to get hearing aids (I did convince him to be tested a few years ago when it was "mild" and optional, but that was then), so I am often shouting at him or over-articulating my endlessly repeated answers in a way that sounds sarcastic, which grieves me. We are both in our late 80s and fairly active. Having lost two of his senses and now much of his sense of taste is also very hard on him. He's very brave and usually doesn't complain or acknowledge any of it.
I have my own problems including low vision and I'm not very organized but have been trying to set up systems for medicines and other important things. I now hand him the crucial meds and we use Alexa constantly - she never tires of telling him the time, unlike me. He has Meta glasses which are terrific but will wear them only outdoors when he goes for walks. I have medical issues that keep me from coming along on these walks in our little town. I console myself that he has a very large brain and can afford to lose some of it and still be himself. At least for a while. He still makes me laugh several times a day, which is our usual way of dealing with the world. But this is not the same world.

I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. 🫂
What I struggle with is making every decision by myself now, because my husband does not seem to care or just goes along with whatever I decide. I still ask for his input so he doesn't feel left out.
I have started to just take charge regarding our yard work, since nothing would get done if I didn't take action.
All the best to you and your tiger.

I am wondering if the dementia causes the patient to lose the ability to process talking. My husband is always asking me what people have said. He doesn't hear 3/4 of what I am saying and I either need to repeat many times or he just ignores it. Recently he had his hearing tested and they said he is fine and doesn't need hearing aids. Maybe he is able to process just one word at a time. It is so frustrating! Finding this group has been a godsend to me. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

This! I finally stumbled on it quite by accident “…wait as long as possible before telling him about them…”. My husband has always been very detail-oriented. Now that has morphed into obsession, as you mentioned. It is tough. I’ve found waiting till necessary to mention whatever it is does help. I find this site and all of you so very helpful. It is my safe space (though I am seeing a therapist). Therapists may have the education, the expertise and the theories, but you all are living this, along with us!

I know first hand how difficult it is to be diagnosed with dementia. It's ok to not remember what day it is but to get up for two hours and than go back to bed is not good. Than he doesn't sleep at night so I suffer as I have to get some sleep to function. The yelling is what kills me I ask him to shave and get a hair cut as it's long he screams 😱 shut up!!! So now what do I do ignore it? He's already on meds for bipolar supposed anger issues and now this screaming is insane. Any suggestions for me? Thank you ALL for letting me vent. Carol

Pam,
Thank you for sharing from your heart. Yes, i love Linda, as well.

I could welcome being in a Group like you just found. Maybe the Alzheimer's Location i received a phone number from a realtor.

I have not called - at least 8 days have passed since knowing the number.

and, i just left a church of 5 years b/c there were Believers in Faith that have dismissed us since Linda's decline. She is sitting on her sofa and I on the love seat. She is on her phone for reasons i cannot even explain.
I went back to a prior church in which 3 people remembered us.
BUT YOU ARE CORRECT .... to not discuss her condition ...and i ended by saying that Linda "just needs your encouragement (underscored) and prayers ...

What do you do to have some free time? Just like last Summer, time is marching on ....like trying to get on with summer while still dong everything at home?
Keith
Psalm 34

He does see his primary Dr and a neurologist but he always points to me to talk. It's very frustrating.

My spouse has a look on his face where he is basically saying I need to to answer the physician's because he has no clue what to say. One physician gave an ugly look. I guess I will speak to her and explain why he does not always understand what they are talking about! It can be annoying that Caregivers sometimes get treated by the medical staff that we are there because of driving them to an appointment. No, I disagree as my spouse does not remember what he should say or he is in his down time with his medications. I really want him to get the best care. I am not sure how receptive physician's are about a spouse/Caregiver has anything to add. My rant for the day!

You might do better with a doctor or PA who's experienced with dementia. A doctor shouldn't be dismissive about this. As caregivers, we do have to step up and answer questions and give explanations that our spouse is not longer able to do. My husband's neurological specialist said she needed to do something in the lab and needed to be excused for a moment. She suggested that it would be a good time for me to visit the ladies' room. What she really wanted was to talk to me alone and I was able to fill her in on what had been going on. It's hard to tell in a 15 min. visit just how compromised an Alzheimer's patient is when he's still capable of putting on a good front for short periods. It's so easy to feel frustrated and resentful when you have to take over things you never had to do before, but the only way to deal with this is to stop fighting it and just get on with the job. In a way, this is our job now, so we should do the best we can. We're not getting out of it so going with the flow is better than swimming against the tide.