Does anyone feel old and useless with age?

I feel old and useless at 72. I have chronic pain problems--migraines and spinal (scoliosis and degenerative disk disease) issues. I try to ignore the feeling that I'm just sitting around trying to idle the time away while hoping to die of my father's massive heart attack (I take heart meds). I've fought anxiety and depression for probably all my life. My anxiety is paralyzing. It prevents me from taking any steps at all, physical or mental. I feel very much stuck and frozen and worried all the time. My husband is 5 years older than I. I have the feeling that if he died before me, I would end my life the next day because I do not do "solitary" well at all. I'm not resilient like a particular friend of mine, who's made it clear that she will not be of any reliable help should my husband predecease me. There's so much byzantine paperwork on top of the crippling grief--I just could not survive that. I realize that some people might find this a drastic mindset, but to me it feels reassuring. I don't want to crumble away and lose my mind and health and faculties and functions. I don't want to die slowly, in pieces. I dread that with all my being. I worry so much about finances. Heck, I can't afford to be in my 80s, forking over $8,400 (or so) in out-of-pocket medical expenses every year (I read about this just recently in a reliable publication; this was an estimate for women in their 80s) just to stay alive and alone and unhappy. This just seems to be my fated life scenario, and there's nothing I can do about it--I can't work, don't drive... I know I'm overdependent on my husband, and that scares me very much. I have no family of my own nearby--I have 2 sisters, both in states 2,000 miles away. It just seems that life is a real gamble, and that one loses every single time. While I know that psychotherapy might be useful, I simply cannot afford it. No psychotherapists around take Medicare, if Medicare even covers mental health. Heck, no psychotherapists around take insurance of nearly any sort. And I can't afford $120 and upwards for individual sessions... I have worked hard all my life, and I feel humiliated and poor. The latest national budget steals from me to give to the wealthy and greedy. Our country is losing compassion by the minute; it's becoming a nightmare, and, frankly, I see no silver linings whatsoever...

_Get It Together_ from Nolo Press is a workbook for organizing all the details that will need to be attended to after our death. There are other versions of this "After I'm Gone" kit.

After I completed the workbook and organized all the material into one notebook in a small fire safe I found my life was lighter. I also arranged my funeral with the Neptune Society. It was a good start in discerning what I can do in a world which I mostly cannot control.

It is something you can do, and perhaps your husband would also be interested.

Thank you, Ed. This is a very good idea. Oy. Before I can do that, though, I need to commence decluttering! Ha. I actually have a Peter Pauper Press book called "I'm Dead. Now What?" which is an info organizer, although it may not be as detailed as the Nolo Press book. (I've successfully used Nolo Press books in the past and found them extremely helpful and thorough.)

I have a number of good things in my life--I'm not as totally hopeless as my original post conveyed. I enjoy reading. I read an article recently about one or more studies indicating that reading fiction helped one in terms of loneliness. I also am trying to learn German--to the extent possible--with Duolingo; it's very challenging as well as frustrating. I waved the white flag just yesterday, only to poke around in Spanish a bit this morning and then return, fairly successfully--successfully enough to continue--to German. I wish I'd studied it in high school and college, but it wasn't an available elective in high school and if I recall correctly, it wasn't available at the colleges/universities I attended. We have a wonderful little dog, who is quite the presence in our house, even though she mostly naps and is quiet, unless she spots a squirrel or two out on the patio. I wish I could go on walks with her, but I can't--walking is painful for any respectable distance because of the spinal issues.

You are right about achieving some peace of mind with this activity of organizing as much information as possible in advance, and I thank you very much for your reply. I tend to get frozen in inaction (deer in headlights) when facing a monumental task; I suppose you can look at this project as a lot of smaller, discrete projects, right? (I'm trying to think of ways to mentally approach this so that it's not a paralyzingly, enormously overwhelming chore.)

Anything we *can* do is good! Overcoming inertia is very difficult. But one has to begin somewhere. Right now, I will begin by renewing a health newsletter that I've been postponing for over a month... thus clearing away exactly *one* decluttering task.

Thank you again for your most helpful reply, Ed. I wish you a very good day!