Help! My husband refuses to shower. It’s been 2 weeks now.

Yes! He has to take a barrage of "stuff" every time we travel. Our big Ford Super-cab pickup gets loaded to the hilt with all his stuff. I swore off ever traveling with him again on our last big trip we made but we have adult children and grandchildren to see in other states so that promise to myself went by the wayside. His doctor said his heart is very healthy so I get to look forward to many more years of his mental decline ahead. Prayer helps.

The worst is he does not speak for a 10 to 12 hrs.on the road He cannot drive anymore !! Thank God! One car and it is mine. I try to make conversation and I am speaking to myself.. Ask a question and he either ignores me or he just won't speak. It only gets worse with time. I feel for you. Sometimes I just say to myself..who cares!!! I need a vacation and some PEACE!!!

Sometimes "silence is golden". Call family or friends when on the road and have a good visit with them or take a favorite music CD or a book on tape (CD). I love to travel alone; make the most of it. His train has already left the station.

My husband and and I just moved in to help my 82 year old mom care for my dad who has severe dementia. Dad is physically healthy and strong. However, he is becoming increasingly difficult to manage. He is often angry and talks to himself constantly—and it isn’t pleasant talk. Our biggest issue now is showering. Mom tries to help him, but he has gotten to the point where he absolutely refuses to get in the shower. Neither my husband nor I were able to get him to shower—either with firmness or reasoning. Mom is her wits end. He is physically fully capable of showering himself. Even if someone came in to help him shower, I think he would be just as stubborn, and then what? ANY advice would be so appreciated! Thank you!

A friend of mine was having that same problem with her mother-in-law with dementia. She asked a friend to come over wearing a white lab coat, like a doctor (try to look/dress as much like a doctor). The “doctor” told the MIL that she must shower. It was required. (Use whatever doctor/nurse like words you can think of). The MIL went and showered because the “doctor” told her to. Your dad may respond better to a male “doctor” friend. The “doctor” can wait in another room - or maybe doesn’t need to stay.

The MIL had known the friend who was dressed as the doctor, but because of dementia no longer recognized her as a friend, and accepted her as a medical professional.

If you’re uncomfortable play-acting doctor, the friend could be a medical assistant, or nurse assistant.

If you’re amenable, you could discuss with doc meds to help with behavioral issues that accompany dementia, especially if becomes verbally abusive.

I discovered with my mom, that her refusal to shower was because she didn't remember all the steps that are involved. She was very overwhelmed and so it was easier to say no to a shower. I successfully helped her to shower using a few techniques. First I use a shower chair. It is comfortable and gives my mom confidence that she will not fall. Second I use a modesty shirt for her since she was shy. This is a long light weight short sleeve big T shirt. This shirt is only for her showers. She mostly showered herself as I spoke each step. I was so happy that I cracked the "shower code" for my mom and that the months without a shower are now in the past.

Refusing showers is quite common with dementia and can be so frustrating. The suggestions above are very good. My dad also went through this. I sensed it was due to him not being comfortable turning on the right faucet, getting dressed and undressed…..avoiding falls….it was just too much for him. Plus…some just don’t like the water on the skin. You might try the disposable washcloths. You can bathe the entire body that way. It’ll be some help until you figure out how to get the shower problem resolved.

My dad refused to allow a bath aid to help him. We had several who came to the house…men and women. Finally after he became bedbound he didn’t protest being bathed.

One thing that worked a little was we’d tell Daddy that his doctor appointment was the next day and he had to shower per doctor’s orders. We would not take a dirty person to the doctor. He believed it and would let my mom assist him into shower chair.

If he’s agitated, I might discuss it with his doctor. There are meds that help.

Another couple of tips:
As suggested, put a shower chair in the shower. Your community probably has a medical equipment loan closet and you could borrow one. Second, don’t start at the head! Start with the feet and move up from there. Depending on the stage, your LO can do the bathing with your hand on top to guide if needed. Also - there are great bathing cloths available (Amazon) that have cleansing/soap in them….. but no rinsing required! That can be a life saver. (And baths every single day also not a must-do.). Look for an online video with Teepa Snow about bathing - good tips there. I’ve forgotten the trainers name but “Bathing without a battle” was helpful.

Showering is a problem for many.
I found that the best time for my husband to be agreeable is when he first gets up in the morning. With a big smile on my face, I say, Why do we get you freshened up? (Instead of getting a shower)
I always stand to the side and give encouragement and simple directions. If you think about it, it's a complex process with numerous steps.
It doesn't always work. If he really doesn't want to, I'll act like it's not a big deal, and I'll try again tomorrow.
I have ordered the no-rinse cleanser and shampoo from Amazon, where a wide selection is available. The large disposable cleaning clothes are handy, and I also purchased a package of fluffy, white washcloths that are soft and stay warm longer. For his face, head, and upper body.
If you type in showers on the Mayo Clinic Connect front page under Search Topics, there are quite a few helpful showering topics that will pop up.