~ Tracking Bipolar II swings ~

Welcome to Connect, Crystal. Good for you for being proactive, getting a good recommendation and making the doctor's appointment. March is a ways off, so I'm glad you reached out to this community for support in the meantime.
Along with Amber and Kim, I'd like you to meet a few other members, like @cathy615 @lesbatts @artstapleton @berit who have spoken about bipolar here on Connect. You may also wish to read through and comment on this discussion:
- What to do for socially phobic depression and anxiety & bipolar http://mayocl.in/2dN8mMk
- Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms http://mayocl.in/2dcJB7p

Not wanting to go to the gym and struggling with weight gain is a difficult combination to wrangle with. Crystal, are you able to encourage yourself go to the gym even if you don't want to go? The after effects can be so beneficial.

Welcome Crystal .... you've come to the right place, hon. You're totally safe here and among like-minded friends. I was very much like you. I had been depressed probably since early teen (whole family alcoholic/only child/ beatings/locked in closets, etc.), but of course when you're that age, it's just a phase or something that will pass. It didn't. I had terrible PPDepression after my 1st child, again "it'll pass" ... which it didn't ... just got worse. About 25 years ago, I "hit the wall" emotionally, but of course I didn't tell anyone because I "knew" they'd "put me away." Finally I went to my PCP and she wisely sent me to a Psychiatrist, telling me she didn't deal with psychotropic meds. A PSYCHIATRIST ..... OMG ... THEY ARE ALL WEIRD ... so I thought. Well, I went, he was not weird at all .... in fact very kind and really "heard" me. That was my beginning. I've since moved, but I still drive, every other week back to see my therapist, and my Psychiatrist about every 2 months for a med. check. It became obvious it was Bipolar II, a somewhat milder version of Bipolar I. The Bipolar I have is very heavy on the depression side while the "manic" side is merely other folk's "happy." Like you I was afraid of "head meds." When my Psychiatrist first Rx-d me Zoloft .... I thought "oh no .... not those kinds of meds." I knew they'd make me "nuts." (very irrational thinking). Well, that was pre-computer time for me, so I immediately went to the Library, read all about it, went home, and I took only 1/2 of the tablet. I laid down (in case I'd die from it!!!!) and slept for 3 hours ..... the first real sleep I'd had in many years. And so it goes .... now it's 25 years later, I've had a lot of stuff in my life, divorce, a major move which I didn't want, and all the other typical stuff we go through ... there's been a lot of ups and downs, with the downs being the deepest. I take 4 meds., and Crystal I must tell you that as scared as I was of these meds., they have saved my life, along with my Psychiatrist and Therapist. It's sort of like a triangle .... they are all working to help me. I was afraid of side effects too, and yes, I did gain a bit (not a whole pile) of weight, but my question to me was "would I rather be thin and be depressed, or would I rather have a few x-tra pounds and feel better." It was obvious to me what was the answer. Psychiatrists usually start you out very slowly on any of these meds. Mine had me call him every other day, and I went back in 10 days. Then he slowly bumped it up until it seemed to be working. But, I really think, if not all, then most of them move very slowly in adding med., and move it up very gradually. March would feel a long way away for me .... did you tell them that you really need to get in before that? They surely have a waiting list - as folks often cancel and then there's an opening. Take care of yourself Crystal ..... remember you're the only one who can and you totally, 100% deserve to feel better and be happier. Bless you,
Abby

sincere the best advice I can give is when you see your psychiatrist be very open and honest about your concerns with medications. I am sure there are different types of medication for the same symtoms and if you have problems with one the doctor can either adjust the present medication or replace it. Another thing I would like to recommend to you is that you are the patient and be firm with the doctor that what you are in need of. Another words do not let him control you but at the same time be open and listen. Therapy is a two way street if communication fails and you question your therapist integrity than therapy will be a waist. Your other concern is that you have to waite till March. Contact your local hospital or clinic and see if you can either get some treatment or medication in the mean time. Also of course keep in contact with connect and let us know how you are doing or what ever you would like to talk about

@sincere, I was diagnosed as bipolar with major depression and anxiety about fifteen years ago. In hindsight, and with a little education, it is clear that I have suffered with at least mild depression all of my life. Now, at 49, I'm on disability for this, as well as fibromyalgia. My goal is to be content.. I have never been happy, and don't even strive for that anymore. My mania isn't the delusional, life's a party, thinking I can fly off the top of a building sort. Mine is the extreme agitation, irritability, and I'd like to strangle (not really) kind. To make matters worse, I am taking care of my mother, who is only 70 but acts like she's 90, my 31 year old son, who is also on disability for mental illness, my 14 year old niece, who considers & calls me her mother, and my 12 year old nephew. I've had the two youngest for the last 9 years, ever since my sister abandoned them because she didn't want to be a mom anymore. My mother is the one who adopted them because the backwards county we lived in didn't know how to let two related females adopt. If we were lesbians they could do it. Anyway, my mom was afraid I'd get mad at her and take the kids if I were the one to adopt them. Except for ADHD, they are really good kids. Thank God for Adderal! So, I find myself getting extremely frustrated with my mother and my son because neither of them will help out with housework, cooking, or trying to make our family function. I can't take my frustrations out on them, and the kids definitely don't deserve it, so I end up turning it back around on myself. I get mad that I have always had the responsibility of taking care of my family (pretty much since I was 9 years old), and I am incapable of walking away because I know that they can't function without me, especially the kids. I hate myself for being too weak to get out before I had my son and got stuck in this permanent situation. My point is, I have never had a life of my own. And when I get this frustrated, with no outlet, I cut myself. Just last week I had to get 11 stitches in my arm. So, comparing this to worrying about my weight... My mental health has to come first. I know I need more medication than what I'm taking, but at least the Cymbalta helps. I'd like to take another 60mg pill in the afternoon, but I know they won't prescribe any more than what I'm taking. I don't want to switch to something else because I can't afford to wait a couple of weeks for something new to kick in. I'm fairly certain that I would end up committing suicide. My older brother went through that, where they were constantly putting him on something new, trying to find something that would work for him. They even tried electro-shock therapy on him. He finally had enough, and he had gained about 300 pounds, and he killed himself. That was 16 years ago. I know I have given way more information than anyone probably wanted, but I have a hard time making a statement without giving the back story.
@safetyshield gave good advice about being strong and firm with the doctor. They aren't gods. If one doesn't seem to be helping, or you don't seem to have a good rapport with them, look for someone else. I'm at the point with the doctors available to me here that I'm going to start looking for someone in Pittsburgh or Cleveland. I don't respond well to a doctor who doesn't value my opinion and thinks they have all the answers, which is what I am encountering now. I guess my last PCP, which was in Indianapolis, spoiled me.
Good luck with your doctors appointment. Good for you for dealing with this now. The longer you ignore the problem the worse it tends to get.

michl46 ..... OMG, you are carrying such a heavy load, it's amazing you are still standing. I admire you for being able to do this up to this point .... I don't think I could have done it. That being said, you simply must get yourself some help .... contact Social Services, Adult Protective Services (for you), the police ...... anyone near you who you can get to listen. Make a lot of noise .... this is such an unfair and unhealthy situation for you that it's hard to imagine. And, if you don't mind me mentioning this ..... see a really good Psychiatrist and really totally lay out for him how you are feeling, what you are doing re. cutting and taking care of all these people, some of which should be taking care of themselves. In some instances you are being used and are allowing that. Find a really good Psychiatrist, talk to him, lay it all out in front of him, and let him see the "real you." I think a week in a good private hospital would do wonders for you .... just to get your meds. right and balanced, give you a total rest from all these people, and get some really good therapy.
You can't continue to allow these people to use you like this .... sure, they "may" need you (may being the operative word), but you need and deserve a life.
What would they do if you suddenly up and left town? You'd better believe they'd find a way to make it work! TAKE CARE OF YOU HON .... YOU ARE WORTH IT!
So, start contacting anyone who will help .... find a good Psychiatrist, call Social Services .... anyone you can to get the help you so desperately need. Please come back and tell us how you are. We care .....
Hugz,
Abby

Thank you @mchel46! I'm glad that you felt safe enough to share your background story. It will go a long way to help others. I also hope that you know the Connect community is here for you too.

Hi Crystal!
I am Cathy and 62. Was treated for depression for years and then had my first manic episode and hospitalization July 2015. One thing that worries me with your long wait til March is that your symptoms may continue to get worse. For myself I know i exacerbated my mania by not sleeping...maybe 8 hours a week instead of a night for over a month! It was my daughter who helped me see i needed to be in the hospital; by then i was talking nonstop,hypersexual, and kind of causing trouble everywhere.

I also recently took part in a study that emphasizes how important routine is: go to bed, get up same time every day, meals, exercise, etc. The structure helps our brains. So i think making sure you sleep is of utmost importance. Can you try to see another pdoc to "tide you over" or see if your pcp can help? Also try to get a support group in place for you, just a few family members or friends that you trust.

As far as meds go, i am allergic to Depakoate and lamictal. Lithium was affecting my thyrhoid and kidneys. Abilify worked great at least while i was still manic, even lost weight on it, but then i lost insurance and medicaid wouldn't pay for it. Now i am on seroquel, fluoxetine, and buproprion. And i have to say i am gaining weight. Aargh! I had lapband surgery 7 years ago and lost 160 pounds. I don't want to gain ir back!!!! And i am also one who can't seem to get off the couch, let alone to the gymn.

Meds act so differently with different people, you may have to put up with a lot of trial and error, or maybe you will be lucky and get it right right away. I sure hope so!

There is a group called Depressive Bipolar Support Alliance (dbsa.org) that offers a tremendous range of resources: including online and in person support groups as well as educational info.

I wish you the best and please let us know how you're doing, Crystal!
Cathy

mchel46 I am so sorry you are having these problems within your own family. I feel the same with mine. They just do not get me and take it personally. I do better talking to neighbors and some relatives than my family. But I am direct with them. I do not want them to take me down so I confront them and let them know how I feel. This is for my mental health and if they can not accept my problems than that is there problem no mine. I do not wish to harm myself but I do feel life smacking my family around till they come to their senses. Not going to happen. But it makes me feel better. I am not a parent but I have worked with many children and families and just have seen parents and how they deal with children that are disrespectful or just a difficult. I focus on my health and not let anyone take me down. When there are opportunities to talk with my family I do and sometimes I think I made progress and the same old stuff happens again. So focus on your mental health and keep strong. Let me hear from you some more its good to get things out is it not Good Luck

Wow thanks for sharing, I will keep this in mind & put my health first

Thank you so much, yes i will keep in touch & try to find a sooner date for treatment. Thanks for the advice & encourgement