Help! My husband refuses to shower. It’s been 2 weeks now.

My Mom is in the advanced stage of Dementia. She hated showering too. She would get so angry at me and I'd end up in tears. I figured out along the way that she forgot the steps to showering but was too stubborn or ashamed to admit it. Honestly, nothing helped. We gave up and so did the Memory Care Center. She was so mean and extremely aggressive, verbally and physically. She went 3 months with no shower and kept the same clothes on. It might seem weird to just give up, but what other options were there? Zero. It was better to stop the expectations of her ever showering. They did try other methods. For a while I went when they showered her to be there to support her. My mother is modest to say the least. I'm not helping answer your question but I do have some insight. She was always clean and dressed to the nines. Now she's unable to hold any sort of conversation. I chose my battles with my Mom in that stage. She still has issues with bathing, but if she has one a week I'm happy. I wish I would have educated myself much sooner. My time with my Mom is precious and I don't want her stressed about anything. There are books to read, support groups, keeping a good repoir with the staff. It's all about being with my Mom and engaging in the best way possible. I know my Dad struggled with all of it before she went to Memory Care. He had his own health issues and passed away 2 years ago. He moved into a skilled nirsing apartment right next door and saw her daily until he wasn't able to anymore. I miss them both. I can't call my Mom and ask for a recipe or anything else like that. When she reached that level of Dementia, I miss the silly things that probably shouldn't even matter. She didn't go to his funeral because she wasn't even aware that he died. 60 years of marriage and that was a tough pill to swallow. I guess I'm saying they won't always have that level of fight in them because they don't know about a freaking thing anymore. The anticipatory grief is real. I'm not gonna lie, it's a struggle all the way through there are new challenges to face. Make sure you take care of yourself. That is very important throughout ALL of it. I'm so sorry to go on. Your post reminded me of that time of aggressive behavior with her. It won't last. I buy her her tons of pairs of sunglasses cuz she loses every pair. I buy her clothes cuz they come up missing. That's normal. And I've Bern in the ER with her after every fall to get her stitched up. She feels zero pain when she lashes her head open. It's laughing and crying and loving then through it all. I think I've said way more than you wanted to hear, but I hope some of it is helpful. God Bless you for your love and care you give your spouse. ❣️❣️❣️

Dear Virginia,
Thanks so much for sharing your insights. The best takeaway for me is the
importance of spending time together without fighting. I can’t fight with
him anymore about showering. It completely wears me out.And yet I feel
guilty if I don’t try. Your perspective is so valuable.
I’m very grateful that you explained it to me.
Yours in sisterhood,
Cheryl

I am going through the same issue with my mom who is in assisted living. I scheduled a wash and blow dry every two weeks for her and she is enjoying her time with the hairdresser. Before her move to assisted living, it would be six months or more before she would wash her hair let alone take a shower and bath. We haven't been able to get her to shower on a regular basis but we are slowly working on this. As far as changing her clothing, that is an ongoing issue. Wearing the same outfit for a month or more is not uncommon. It isn't worth the aggravation and stress to argue about it. You just have to pick your fights, and clothing is just not worth it.

It’s true. Pick you battles. I am ashamed to tell you the last shower my husband had. The best thing to do are sponge baths and change of clothes. Even that is a fight. He is very tired and wants to sleep afterwords. Try to be patient good luck! Sometimes I feel Iike a drill sergeant then find myself apologizing to him about loosing my cool.

My husband started refusing to shower, which was unusual for him.
I asked a caregiver if she had any ideas. She suggested not calling it a shower or bath but "let's get cleaned up or freshen up."
I think the idea of what I'm asking him to do is overwhelming, so I get in with him to gently prompt him on what to do.
She also suggested no-rinse shampoo and body wash, which I ordered on Amazon.
I put them on a warm washcloth; it helps freshen him up when he won't get in the shower.
There are also no-rinse caps that you put on their heads/hair and massage for a minute or so. These caps clean their hair and scalp without rinsing.
Timing is always important, choosing a time that both of you are up for it.

So comforting to know how common this is and that it’s not the end of the world.

Thanks Trish,
I’ll Check out the No Rinse options. Fingers crossed!

My husband looks like a homeless person. He wears the same clothes most days, ragged jeans and shoes that are coming apart. Sometimes I can get him to wear something decent if we're going out to dinner or something. He also won't cut his hair or beard. He looks like a wild man. All of this has really been getting to me, but these comments help me see that I should just let it go. As long as he doesn't smell bad, what difference does it make? I expect that in the next few years we're going to see lots of disheveled, elderly people shuffling around our neighborhoods and stores. Neighbors should perhaps be told the situation so they don't freak out or misunderstand what's going on. With so many baby boomers, there will come a day when most people will have some experience with dotty elders.

I've heard of a couple of people who have had success calling the Alzheimer's Association Helpline at 1 - 800 - 272 -3900. Available 24/7. They were talked through what to do to get their loved ones to shower and it worked.
My husband was resistant to showering for a while, a few years ago. I started using the no rinse shampoo I had from a hospital visit for a while. After a year or so of use, it did funny things to his scalp and hair, and didn't seem effective anymore.
When my husband broke his hip, I had the tub taken out, a shower bed installed and lots of grab bars, in addition to a chair. It's a little hard to get him into the shower, but telling him he's going to get a skin infection and bribery both work. I promise him a snack afterwards. When we're in the shower he loves it and is surprised when I tell him he gave me a hard time about taking it.
He did tell me once that he forgot what to do in the shower so I give him instructions now.
I attended a caregivers' seminar here and the presenter said sponge baths are fine. It may not be possible to clean armpits and privates all in one day. Whatever you can get done, consider a victory!
My mother-in-law was nearly 100 when she died. She developed an aversion to showers. She said they felt like sandpaper on her skin.

Yes it is hard to get them to clean up. I would have to keep talking to my wife, she has vascular dementia, and agree with her and just keep talking as I am moving her to shower taking off clothes etc. I would tell her I will be quick and be in the shower with her the whole time etc. It would work but it was mentally exhausting. Now I have a sitter for her and she givers her a shower.It is only once a week. I do feel bad it is only once a week but better than nothing. get room warm a small room heater is good for this. get everything ready before hand ie clothes towel washcloth.etc. And sometimes it won't work and just have to try the next day or later on that day. Hope this helps you.It is tough having to do and remember everything.I wish you luck