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Does anyone have tips for communicating with someone with dementia?

Posted by bclane @bclane, Apr 3, 2025

I've been increasingly frustrated with trying to communicate with my husband. It's like the stereotype of the husband never listening to the wife. For example, this morning he read off a message on his phone that the battery was low and it needed charging. I told him to get the charger, that it was the white cord hanging on the side of the dresser mirror. I thought the directions were pretty clear.

He came back with a belt—and it wasn't white and hadn't been hanging on the side of the dresser mirror either. I retrieved the cord myself, and when he saw it, he said I should have said that and not mentioned a belt (which I hadn't).

A week ago I had a doctor's appointment and a neighbor stayed with him while I went. For the first time, I wrote a note about where I was going and when I expected to be back and gave it to him. He wasn't offended by that, and the neighbor said he pulled it out and read it several times.

He often reads things out loud, like the captions on the TV news, so it just occurred to me this morning that maybe he can't hang on to spoken words. Maybe if I'd written a short note describing the phone charger and where it was located, that would have worked better. Has anyone else experienced this with the person they're caring for?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

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joisey | @joisey | Apr 7, 2025

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joisey | @joisey | Apr 7, 2025
In reply to @julieboggesscdp "Hi, the topic of communication is universal. A person living with dementia can have both expressive..." + (show)
Profile picture for julieboggesscdp @julieboggesscdp

Hi, the topic of communication is universal. A person living with dementia can have both expressive and receptive aphasia, which is a deficit in understanding and expressing language. This is indeed very frustrating for caregivers.
I work for AGE-u-cate Training Institute, which develops training materials for professional and family caregivers. I attached what we call an "empowerment tool," which provides some best practice approaches on various topics related to dementia care. We also have one-hour, online device enabled courses called REVEAL Aging. These courses are geared to caregivers. I hope these empowerment tools help you, and feel free to check out our website at http://www.ageucate.com. All the best as you move through your caregiving journey. We are here to help.

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My husband and I have the most wonderful connection with a student at Miami U in Ohio who is taking part in the OMA program.

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julieboggesscdp | @julieboggesscdp | Apr 8, 2025

Excellent- yes, OMA is a terrific program, and we collaborate with Miami U on the education component. Thanks for sharing!

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Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Apr 9, 2025

Also see these related discussions:
- Communication and Connection Techniques for Caregivers https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/communication-and-connection-techniques-for-caregivers/
- Communicating Challenges With Lewy Body and Dementia https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/communicating-challenges-with-lewy/

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lkbous | @lkbous | 3 days ago
In reply to @gently "Yes, and it is difficult. Try not to expect. It's very nice to continue to ask,..." + (show)
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Yes, and it is difficult.
Try not to expect. It's very nice to continue to ask, just don't be disappointed if you haven't been able to communicate. Be careful not to be corrective. You might take the belt and thank him, and wait to fetch the charger so that he isn't embarrassed about having don the wrong thing (again). It isn't that he isn't listening or that he doesn't hear.
He is trying; his brain is not cooperating.
You may find the milk in the clothes closet, socks on his hands, keys in the trash bin, ice cream in the microwave. Fill this world in which nothing is as it seems with kindness.
Communicate how much you care for him. Play his all time favorite music. Write those notes that he can fold and unfold.
This doesn't get easier.
Bless you both.

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@gently I love what you wrote: “Fill this world in which nothing is as it seems with kindness.” And communicating how much I care speaks to me.
I find myself grouchy so much of the time. I try to live by what you are advocating, but it’s just so hard, he’s a know it all and always wants to prove everyone wrong, he has really clever disguises when he can direct them, to hide deficits. So I get caught up in normalcy until a reality moment rears its crazy self, it upsets me and I react poorly. His PCP told him he really presents well…. He’s a trickster!
Anyway, thank you for your words of wisdom. I saw that your post was from last year, I hope you’re doing okay.
Blessings, Linda

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sillyblone | @sillyblone | 3 days ago
In reply to @bclane "That is great that he remembered what you'd said about when the clock would change. It's..." + (show)
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That is great that he remembered what you'd said about when the clock would change. It's true—you don't know what's going on in there and what will stick and what won't. I'm getting pretty good at not correcting my husband when he doesn't remember or understand something trivial, but when it's something important, I still do. I can't help but think it's not doing him any favors to reinforce something that's not so, especially when he's having trouble hanging on to what's real anyway.

I mean, if a person makes a mistake remembering something or doesn't understand something that's relatively important and no one speaks up to tell that person otherwise, how is he to know what's real (even if only for a short time) and what isn't? Seems like that would make him lose his connection to reality even faster. And as long as it doesn't upset him (which, so far, it doesn't seem to), what is the harm?

I expect that there will come a time when it will be better for me not to speak up, but I don't think we're there yet.

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@bclane I like the way you responded to an already difficult situation! I learned a lot thru the years on what words to use and how to usually get a good response and my life and his was easier! Negotiations were a stable in our household! He was a wonderful man, husband and father! I miss him terribly! Two month’s and counting! I feel his presence and choose to believe the wonderful versus the negative!

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gently | @gently | 3 days ago

Linda, it is too hard. Unimaginably. Thank you for your kindness.
With water torture it sometimes helps to become the water. Would it be safe to always assure him that he is right and you know that he is right.

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timber2026 | @timber2026 | 2 days ago

I don't know what kind of dementia your husband has. Mine has Lewy Body Dementia. It progresses quickly. One of the symptoms is that the person does not recognize an object for what it is and what it is used for. That's why when I tell my husband to put something in the sink, he can't find the sink. He can't locate the refrigerator even though I have a big sign on it. Or his bathroom. Doesn't know what that big white oval thing is in there. And it goes on and on. I feel for you. ❤️

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defleurs | @defleurs | 1 day ago

Absolutely! You can say something in short sentences. But I follow it up with a note.

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defleurs | @defleurs | 1 day ago

Hi I wanted to add to a comment I made about how to communicate with someone with MCI. I mentioned writing a note to the person as oral communication does not always work. However you need to think where you put the note. I put the note on his computer monitor screen. I have tried other places i.e. refrigerator bathroom mirror etc. So don’t give up as a written note is a better communication tool.

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