Loss of wife: Still having a hard time sleeping. Alone a lot.

It's a shame this thread of conversation came to an end a few years ago, because it is timeless. I lost my husband in April this year (2024) "all of a sudden and out-of-nowhere", as I explain to all. He had an acute attack of Pancreatitis. He had a bad gut ache on Friday morning, went in to a coma on Sunday morning, and died Tuesday morning. I was in Germany traveling, which he encouraged me to do, as we are empty-nesters and he was still a year away from retirement (by choice - he loved his work - tho he was nothing like a work-aholic - he was home by 6:00PM every evening). I made it home by Sunday afternoon, and my kids were able to make it to the hospital by that evening. We kept watch by his bedside. We were in TOTAL disbelief. What happened ??? He was a hearty guy, perfectly fine. We kept thinking he would pull thru. But he didn't. He died. Once LOVELY family and friends went back to their lives (as they should), our kids too, I had to face the loneliness and gut-wrenching pain of the loss. Every inch of our home is a reminder of my husband. At times, it feels truly unbearable, with crying so deep that I feel like I'm choking on my own throat. My Faith in Jesus rescues me at those lowest points. Also helpful: my neighbor (also a widow) gave me a book called: Healing After Loss by Marth W. Hickman. It's a daily devotional, many pages of which truly speak to where I'm at. I recommend it very highly. It has something for every widow / widower. Thank you for "listening". Best wishes to all who struggle with this. I pray that those who've gone before us and tell us that time will heal/help are correct. - LB

So much of this is new & very uncomfortable for me. I'm a very anxious n cautious person so even "Googling" this kind of stuff is a very big step for me. I'm a super guarded person as well because of being hurt, let down n taken advantage of in the past so I've been finding it hard to navigate and find anything that might help me so I'm open to suggestions. I'm a 44 yr old man that has lived in Baltimore City my whole life n actually it's kinda embarrassing but I've never been out of Baltimore, that was a goal my wife was going to surprise me with. A unknown trip/destination next year without me knowing what, where or even how long we were going. I was to ask no questions n just enjoy the ride n honestly I didn't show it on the outside but it was something I was so very much looking forward to but with her death everything n anything I ever imagined seemed like it would or could never happen because my life, our life was literally my everything so now I just feel so lost, alone ,like I'm in the dark and in a world I don't know or recognize even though I've been in it my whole life. I know I need help, I just don't know what help will be the most beneficial for me. I've tried talking to my primary care doctor, a regular therapist n a friends counselor in the beginning but I felt nothing or none of them connected in a way that made me wanna continue so this is me being desperate n making myself as vulnerable as I can so saying all that I'm open n listening because I'm truly at a crossroad. One way being the end n the other being a light that hopefully gives me a glimpse of a better future.
I thank n appreciate you taking your time to show genuine feelings towards someone you've never met before. Like I said this is new to me n a little uncomfortable so thank you again.

Grief and loss of your spouse is so painful. I am sorry for your loss & not only do we grieve the loss of our best friend and soulmate, we grieve the lost of our future together. I have recently retired and grieve the loss of our fun plans in growing old together. Immediately following my husbands death, I joined a GriefShare program at a local church which was tremendously helpful. I sat on the back row of the monthly meeting initially & quietly sobbed as I listened to others & found comfort in knowing I was not alone. I gradually found my voice & shared my story & feelings with the group. I encourage you to not isolate but push yourself to find a grief support group or counselor. You do not have to participate unless you want, they understand. I also read every Christian book I could find on grief recovery and the constant reminder that my husband was in Heaven & we would be together again helped. I will pray for you & all who are hurting due to the loss of a loved one. God Bless you . You are not alone.

I have found Connect to be very helpful in the neuropathy group which I've participated in for a few years. My wife and I had 52 years of a lovely marriage. She was my best friend, business partner and the absolute love of my life. Our friends often thought we were joined at the hip as we did everything together. Everything. She passed away unexpectedly on February 13th at our home which was the shock of my life. By the end of that day, I felt like half of me was gone. That feeling still exists. We have several grown adult children who have been the support I've needed, and they have been taking turns staying with me and doing sleeps overs. I am trying my best to be strong and allow the grief to be a part of my life. I intend to join a support group but how long do I wait? This is extremely difficult, and any advice from those who have been through this would be greatly appreciated. Ed

February 13th? My good sir, you're in a state of shock. It's happened. It's real. If you feel you need to sit on the side of the bed and cry, do so. No stiff upper lip needed. No need to make any decisions about anything right now. Leave everything as is around the house.
About me. My wife died 10 years ago after a tortuous illness. It was a few years before I could even say died, and not passed away. Died almost seem too harsh. I generally talk to her everyday. I allow myself the grief that I still feel.

@dotpeacock, you're so right. Grief makes us feel very alone and the tendancy is to isolate. Thank you for sharing your story of hope. Do you continue to attend the grief support group?

@luffing - Yes, I feel that I am in a state of shock and time has stood still. Nothing has moved in my house at all. I am getting through the day and so far, today, I've had 2 conversations with my wife. Everything you said is 100% true and perhaps only those who have been through this can truly understand which is why I honestly appreciate your advice. I try to keep in mind the 52 fantastic years we had together. I know grief is part of the healing and I can only hope the waves of grief become less over time. Yet, I doubt they will ever disappear. Thank you!!