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Ready to throw in the towel ... never imagined I'd be this sad

Posted by Barb @amberpep, Sep 23, 2016

I hope I didn't write this before, but I'm at my wits end. I'm 71, have lived in PA and then in MD for 35 years. Two of my 3 kids and their families live in VA. and they kept hounding me to move down. I didn't want to do it. Finally after 4-5 years, I decided to do it. So here I am, and I hate this place. I wish I'd have never moved. I love being with my kids and their families, but they have lives so it's only about once a week, which is understandable. I am so very sorry I moved here .... it's been nothing but upheaval and trouble for me since I did. One thing after another. I see a therapist and Psychiatrist every other week for therapy and meds., but that's 3 hours away. My kids just don't "get it" ..... they don't want to hear anything about me that might even be slightly negative. HIP HIP HOORAY! That's my life as they think it should be. Well, it's not. They have no idea what I mentally go through, and this move has just turned my world upside down in every possible way ..... physically, mentally, emotionally, financially (big time!). It feels like I'm just here, waiting for the end. I know this sounds like a pity party and I guess it is ..... I'm sorry. I just never imagined this point in my life would be this sad.
Abby

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Profile picture for texasduchess
texasduchess | @texasduchess | Mar 15, 2022
In reply to @amberpep "Hi everyone. I don't know how much I've told you about this, but I live in..." + (show)
Profile picture for Barb @amberpep

Hi everyone. I don't know how much I've told you about this, but I live in a government subsidized apartment for seniors. Since I don't get alimony - married 45 years and raised 3 kids - stupid me didn't ask for any because at the time I had a substantial inheritance from my Dad and half of when my now X-husband and I sold our paid for house. Well, I bought my own condo, and of course had to buy furniture for it, and pay my lawyer - a woman who in town was considered a "pit bull" in fighting for womens' rights. Well, stupid me, thinking I'd be fine didn't ask for alimony ... obviously she disagreed. Well, on the advice of a "friend" I placed my money with an Investment Manager and thought all was well .... he turned out to be a crook (think Bernie Madolf). When I saw my resources going down quite quickly, I called him and he totally blew his stack. Needless to say, I took all of what was left out and placed it with an Investment Counselor who was highly recommended by a friend of my son. Both are lawyers. I am pleased with the new IC. The SEC caught up with the original Money Manager, he was fined $2 million dollars, lost his house, his wife, and his kids went off the rails. Now the SEC can go in anytime, day or night, unannounced and go through his files. Now I am living on my S.S. (which, after being home with 3 kids for years) - worked for a church for several years, for a Psychologist for 6, and a dentist for 4, once my kids were either in college or in high school. Back then the pay wasen't great, so my own S.S. is meager. If it weren't for my son sending me money each month, I wouldn't make it.Long story, I know ..... I got divorced - my X is a Narcissist, lives in a big house he built, and is just full of himself as N's usually are. Me? I live in an apartment, subsidized by the government. When the local mental hospital gets "full" they send them here! Most of these people are benign - I don't even know who most of them are - there are 5. But, one man is outright dangerous, and quite obviously does not belong here, and does not take whatever medications he is on. He prowls around outside at night trying to peek in first floor windows, creeps up on people (me one evening when I was taking my dog out) and just stares at you, he beat up a woman in one of the rooms and broke her nose and cheekbones (he then went back to the mental hospital for a period of time). He's back again doing the same creepy things he did before, and .... he is threatening to kill people .... several of the elderly ladies (who are really afraid of him) and a man. When anyone says anything to the Manager here, she says, she knows and "be patient, we're taking care of it." We have been hearing that for at least 2 months and so far ..... nothing! She said that when the government tells you that you have to take someone, you have no choice, but "we're to be patient, they're working on it." I was furious and talked to both my girls who have their MSW's, and my son, who is a lawyer, about this. They all said to contact Adult Protective Services. So I did and within 2 days a woman showed up at my door. She came in and we discussed this situation in depth. She did give me names of 2 other places to contact for a different living facility, and asked me who he had threatened. I told him the names of 2 of the women and one man. Both of the women were very eager to speak to her. Well, when she went to speak with the man, I have no idea what he said to her, but ..... within 3 days I was sitting in the laundry room waiting for my laundry to dry and in he walks. He railed me up and down, threatened that he would be evicted and so would I, and the other 2 women, and I had no right to contact the APS. He shook his finger at me like I was a child and I just let him rant before I said anything ..... then I stood up and let him have it. I told him exactly why I called them and I would do it again if I had to. He was furious with me. I called my son, and there's no way none of us can be evicted .... someone had to do something because the Management was not doing anything. Were we waiting for someone else to be beaten up or killed? I am so done with this place .... the cockroaches, the dirt all over the halls, people dying monthly (many should be in a nursing home) .... the ambulance is here almost every night taking someone to the hospital, and we've got hoarders who draw still more bugs and mice. I've told my girls about this and they just say, "Oh Mom, you're fine." I absolutely refuse to live like this until I am frail and feeble, so I'm contacting the other 2 places the Social Worker gave me, and staying in my apartment, not answering the door or phone, unless I know it's one of my kids. One of my big problems when I went into therapy was "trust" issues, especially of men. This has really stirred things up, and (excuse me to all you guys out there) but I could kick everyone of them "there" until they couldn't walk. I should have stayed in MD where I'd lived for 30 years instead of moving to this place in VA, near my daughters. I'd love to move to Charlottesville, but there's no way I can afford it. I know this is long and I'm sorry .... I'm just scared and depressed, and just about in hiding.Barb

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You may be eligible to get Social Security based on your ex-husband's earnings. The most you can collect in divorced-spouse benefits is 50 percent of your former mate's primary insurance amount, but that may be more than you're getting on your past earnings.—https://www.aarp.org/retirement/social-security/questions-answers/ex-spouse-social-security.html

I'd also file a complaint/report with Adult Protective Services letting them know 1) that the case worker may have revealed your identity to the very person you're afraid of and 2) that he confronted you.

REPLY
Profile picture for theai
theai | @theai | Mar 15, 2022
In reply to @amberpep "Hi everyone. I don't know how much I've told you about this, but I live in..." + (show)
Profile picture for Barb @amberpep

Hi everyone. I don't know how much I've told you about this, but I live in a government subsidized apartment for seniors. Since I don't get alimony - married 45 years and raised 3 kids - stupid me didn't ask for any because at the time I had a substantial inheritance from my Dad and half of when my now X-husband and I sold our paid for house. Well, I bought my own condo, and of course had to buy furniture for it, and pay my lawyer - a woman who in town was considered a "pit bull" in fighting for womens' rights. Well, stupid me, thinking I'd be fine didn't ask for alimony ... obviously she disagreed. Well, on the advice of a "friend" I placed my money with an Investment Manager and thought all was well .... he turned out to be a crook (think Bernie Madolf). When I saw my resources going down quite quickly, I called him and he totally blew his stack. Needless to say, I took all of what was left out and placed it with an Investment Counselor who was highly recommended by a friend of my son. Both are lawyers. I am pleased with the new IC. The SEC caught up with the original Money Manager, he was fined $2 million dollars, lost his house, his wife, and his kids went off the rails. Now the SEC can go in anytime, day or night, unannounced and go through his files. Now I am living on my S.S. (which, after being home with 3 kids for years) - worked for a church for several years, for a Psychologist for 6, and a dentist for 4, once my kids were either in college or in high school. Back then the pay wasen't great, so my own S.S. is meager. If it weren't for my son sending me money each month, I wouldn't make it.Long story, I know ..... I got divorced - my X is a Narcissist, lives in a big house he built, and is just full of himself as N's usually are. Me? I live in an apartment, subsidized by the government. When the local mental hospital gets "full" they send them here! Most of these people are benign - I don't even know who most of them are - there are 5. But, one man is outright dangerous, and quite obviously does not belong here, and does not take whatever medications he is on. He prowls around outside at night trying to peek in first floor windows, creeps up on people (me one evening when I was taking my dog out) and just stares at you, he beat up a woman in one of the rooms and broke her nose and cheekbones (he then went back to the mental hospital for a period of time). He's back again doing the same creepy things he did before, and .... he is threatening to kill people .... several of the elderly ladies (who are really afraid of him) and a man. When anyone says anything to the Manager here, she says, she knows and "be patient, we're taking care of it." We have been hearing that for at least 2 months and so far ..... nothing! She said that when the government tells you that you have to take someone, you have no choice, but "we're to be patient, they're working on it." I was furious and talked to both my girls who have their MSW's, and my son, who is a lawyer, about this. They all said to contact Adult Protective Services. So I did and within 2 days a woman showed up at my door. She came in and we discussed this situation in depth. She did give me names of 2 other places to contact for a different living facility, and asked me who he had threatened. I told him the names of 2 of the women and one man. Both of the women were very eager to speak to her. Well, when she went to speak with the man, I have no idea what he said to her, but ..... within 3 days I was sitting in the laundry room waiting for my laundry to dry and in he walks. He railed me up and down, threatened that he would be evicted and so would I, and the other 2 women, and I had no right to contact the APS. He shook his finger at me like I was a child and I just let him rant before I said anything ..... then I stood up and let him have it. I told him exactly why I called them and I would do it again if I had to. He was furious with me. I called my son, and there's no way none of us can be evicted .... someone had to do something because the Management was not doing anything. Were we waiting for someone else to be beaten up or killed? I am so done with this place .... the cockroaches, the dirt all over the halls, people dying monthly (many should be in a nursing home) .... the ambulance is here almost every night taking someone to the hospital, and we've got hoarders who draw still more bugs and mice. I've told my girls about this and they just say, "Oh Mom, you're fine." I absolutely refuse to live like this until I am frail and feeble, so I'm contacting the other 2 places the Social Worker gave me, and staying in my apartment, not answering the door or phone, unless I know it's one of my kids. One of my big problems when I went into therapy was "trust" issues, especially of men. This has really stirred things up, and (excuse me to all you guys out there) but I could kick everyone of them "there" until they couldn't walk. I should have stayed in MD where I'd lived for 30 years instead of moving to this place in VA, near my daughters. I'd love to move to Charlottesville, but there's no way I can afford it. I know this is long and I'm sorry .... I'm just scared and depressed, and just about in hiding.Barb

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you are filled with so much stress from different parts of your life. please calm down and take it slow. i feel for you very much. you have a lot on your mind. you are taking the right actions. but perhaps you should seek out counseling to help you sort out all the problems you have had and free your mind from the past.

REPLY
Profile picture for Ingegerd Enscoe, Alumni Mentor
Ingegerd Enscoe, Alumni Mentor | @astaingegerdm | Mar 15, 2022
In reply to @amberpep "Hi everyone. I don't know how much I've told you about this, but I live in..." + (show)
Profile picture for Barb @amberpep

Hi everyone. I don't know how much I've told you about this, but I live in a government subsidized apartment for seniors. Since I don't get alimony - married 45 years and raised 3 kids - stupid me didn't ask for any because at the time I had a substantial inheritance from my Dad and half of when my now X-husband and I sold our paid for house. Well, I bought my own condo, and of course had to buy furniture for it, and pay my lawyer - a woman who in town was considered a "pit bull" in fighting for womens' rights. Well, stupid me, thinking I'd be fine didn't ask for alimony ... obviously she disagreed. Well, on the advice of a "friend" I placed my money with an Investment Manager and thought all was well .... he turned out to be a crook (think Bernie Madolf). When I saw my resources going down quite quickly, I called him and he totally blew his stack. Needless to say, I took all of what was left out and placed it with an Investment Counselor who was highly recommended by a friend of my son. Both are lawyers. I am pleased with the new IC. The SEC caught up with the original Money Manager, he was fined $2 million dollars, lost his house, his wife, and his kids went off the rails. Now the SEC can go in anytime, day or night, unannounced and go through his files. Now I am living on my S.S. (which, after being home with 3 kids for years) - worked for a church for several years, for a Psychologist for 6, and a dentist for 4, once my kids were either in college or in high school. Back then the pay wasen't great, so my own S.S. is meager. If it weren't for my son sending me money each month, I wouldn't make it.Long story, I know ..... I got divorced - my X is a Narcissist, lives in a big house he built, and is just full of himself as N's usually are. Me? I live in an apartment, subsidized by the government. When the local mental hospital gets "full" they send them here! Most of these people are benign - I don't even know who most of them are - there are 5. But, one man is outright dangerous, and quite obviously does not belong here, and does not take whatever medications he is on. He prowls around outside at night trying to peek in first floor windows, creeps up on people (me one evening when I was taking my dog out) and just stares at you, he beat up a woman in one of the rooms and broke her nose and cheekbones (he then went back to the mental hospital for a period of time). He's back again doing the same creepy things he did before, and .... he is threatening to kill people .... several of the elderly ladies (who are really afraid of him) and a man. When anyone says anything to the Manager here, she says, she knows and "be patient, we're taking care of it." We have been hearing that for at least 2 months and so far ..... nothing! She said that when the government tells you that you have to take someone, you have no choice, but "we're to be patient, they're working on it." I was furious and talked to both my girls who have their MSW's, and my son, who is a lawyer, about this. They all said to contact Adult Protective Services. So I did and within 2 days a woman showed up at my door. She came in and we discussed this situation in depth. She did give me names of 2 other places to contact for a different living facility, and asked me who he had threatened. I told him the names of 2 of the women and one man. Both of the women were very eager to speak to her. Well, when she went to speak with the man, I have no idea what he said to her, but ..... within 3 days I was sitting in the laundry room waiting for my laundry to dry and in he walks. He railed me up and down, threatened that he would be evicted and so would I, and the other 2 women, and I had no right to contact the APS. He shook his finger at me like I was a child and I just let him rant before I said anything ..... then I stood up and let him have it. I told him exactly why I called them and I would do it again if I had to. He was furious with me. I called my son, and there's no way none of us can be evicted .... someone had to do something because the Management was not doing anything. Were we waiting for someone else to be beaten up or killed? I am so done with this place .... the cockroaches, the dirt all over the halls, people dying monthly (many should be in a nursing home) .... the ambulance is here almost every night taking someone to the hospital, and we've got hoarders who draw still more bugs and mice. I've told my girls about this and they just say, "Oh Mom, you're fine." I absolutely refuse to live like this until I am frail and feeble, so I'm contacting the other 2 places the Social Worker gave me, and staying in my apartment, not answering the door or phone, unless I know it's one of my kids. One of my big problems when I went into therapy was "trust" issues, especially of men. This has really stirred things up, and (excuse me to all you guys out there) but I could kick everyone of them "there" until they couldn't walk. I should have stayed in MD where I'd lived for 30 years instead of moving to this place in VA, near my daughters. I'd love to move to Charlottesville, but there's no way I can afford it. I know this is long and I'm sorry .... I'm just scared and depressed, and just about in hiding.Barb

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Hi Barb! I remember your situation well. What a shame that you can’t feel safe where you live.
I remember that your daughters wanted you to move closer to them- how far away are they? And your son?

REPLY
Profile picture for Barb
Barb | @amberpep | Feb 16, 2025

About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my kids, as I'm getting older. Since then I still have not been able to adjust to my new home ..... a senior apartment. I left everything behind I loved ... our house (later my own condo), my church, my friends, and a city I knew like the back of my hand. I have 3 kids down here (all in their 40's and one in her 50's) and when I try to say anything to them they just say, "oh Mom you're fine." I'm not one to speak up, but inside it feels like they are just blowing me off. Yet, I know there's nothing I or anyone can do about it. The apartment bldg. in which I live is full of all sorts of people - some who should be in Assisted Living and some even in Nursing Homes - it's depressing. I no longer have a car as a young man ran into the front of my car in a dug-induced state and totaled it. I don't know whether, at 80 I should get another one or not. I feel alone and useless and like "my time is up." No car = I can't get out freely, and I only see 1 of my kids once a week. The other 2 - rarely. Sorry for the self-pity, but I am so very sorry I left my home. Thanks for listening. Barb

REPLY
16 replies
Profile picture for gloaming
gloaming | @gloaming | Feb 16, 2025
In reply to @amberpep "About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my..." + (show)
Profile picture for Barb @amberpep

About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my kids, as I'm getting older. Since then I still have not been able to adjust to my new home ..... a senior apartment. I left everything behind I loved ... our house (later my own condo), my church, my friends, and a city I knew like the back of my hand. I have 3 kids down here (all in their 40's and one in her 50's) and when I try to say anything to them they just say, "oh Mom you're fine." I'm not one to speak up, but inside it feels like they are just blowing me off. Yet, I know there's nothing I or anyone can do about it. The apartment bldg. in which I live is full of all sorts of people - some who should be in Assisted Living and some even in Nursing Homes - it's depressing. I no longer have a car as a young man ran into the front of my car in a dug-induced state and totaled it. I don't know whether, at 80 I should get another one or not. I feel alone and useless and like "my time is up." No car = I can't get out freely, and I only see 1 of my kids once a week. The other 2 - rarely. Sorry for the self-pity, but I am so very sorry I left my home. Thanks for listening. Barb

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Barb, you are unhappy. You make a clear description for the unhappiness the changes in your life have made for you.
It sounds like you have, but wish for more, autonomy, and one of the drawbacks is that you miss driving. Almost every one of us does. Some can do something, including purchasing a vehicle that they desire, used or new, while some have been told they must never drive again. I have no skin in this, but why have you not replaced the car? It was insured....yes? It seems to me that a car would brighten you up considerably, give you something to enjoy each day, any time you wished, and it would bring you back to 'early days' when you enjoyed the thundering of an open window at 60 mph.
You know you want one...don't kid yourself. 😀
Then, there's the problem of a dated driver's license. At some point, the state will require you to pass a physical and also a driver's exam. Best to be sharp and up-to-date on those, unless you're willing to let it all go... Your call.
As for your children who seem to blow you off, tell them it hurts you when they are dismissive. Do they want you around or not? If not, go back and enjoy the rest of your life where you have friends and familiarity working for you at least.
Sometimes you must make a decision, or UNDO one. If this was a mistake, own it, and then do something concrete to fix it. Nobody is stopping you, unless there's something in your conscience that's eating away at you.

REPLY
Profile picture for joanland
joanland | @joanland | Feb 17, 2025
In reply to @amberpep "About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my..." + (show)
Profile picture for Barb @amberpep

About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my kids, as I'm getting older. Since then I still have not been able to adjust to my new home ..... a senior apartment. I left everything behind I loved ... our house (later my own condo), my church, my friends, and a city I knew like the back of my hand. I have 3 kids down here (all in their 40's and one in her 50's) and when I try to say anything to them they just say, "oh Mom you're fine." I'm not one to speak up, but inside it feels like they are just blowing me off. Yet, I know there's nothing I or anyone can do about it. The apartment bldg. in which I live is full of all sorts of people - some who should be in Assisted Living and some even in Nursing Homes - it's depressing. I no longer have a car as a young man ran into the front of my car in a dug-induced state and totaled it. I don't know whether, at 80 I should get another one or not. I feel alone and useless and like "my time is up." No car = I can't get out freely, and I only see 1 of my kids once a week. The other 2 - rarely. Sorry for the self-pity, but I am so very sorry I left my home. Thanks for listening. Barb

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Dear Barb, If you would like to have a car, and a driver license is a reasonable expectations to be able to obtain, then a replacement car would probably reduce your sense of isolation. Get the driver license first, you'll need to have one to test drive a vehicle, so you might as well take care of that early on.
As to the adult children who seem to not understand, perhaps it is necessary to stop them to let them know how their responses are affecting you. If they continue, then you have another reason to head back to where you came from. Or realize that it is up to you to make new friends, which is hard if you are trapped in a building and not able to join activities, a recreation center, or other place where you'll meet other people. Wishing you the very best!

REPLY
Profile picture for Kathy
Kathy | @tcokeefe | Feb 17, 2025
In reply to @amberpep "About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my..." + (show)
Profile picture for Barb @amberpep

About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my kids, as I'm getting older. Since then I still have not been able to adjust to my new home ..... a senior apartment. I left everything behind I loved ... our house (later my own condo), my church, my friends, and a city I knew like the back of my hand. I have 3 kids down here (all in their 40's and one in her 50's) and when I try to say anything to them they just say, "oh Mom you're fine." I'm not one to speak up, but inside it feels like they are just blowing me off. Yet, I know there's nothing I or anyone can do about it. The apartment bldg. in which I live is full of all sorts of people - some who should be in Assisted Living and some even in Nursing Homes - it's depressing. I no longer have a car as a young man ran into the front of my car in a dug-induced state and totaled it. I don't know whether, at 80 I should get another one or not. I feel alone and useless and like "my time is up." No car = I can't get out freely, and I only see 1 of my kids once a week. The other 2 - rarely. Sorry for the self-pity, but I am so very sorry I left my home. Thanks for listening. Barb

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I understand what you are feeling. I lived somewhere else for 45 years. As you say, I knew it like the back of my hand. I moved there in my early 20s and feel as if I basically grew up there. I was a part of the community and had many friends and memories. We decided to buy an house in New England 20 years ago, in order to be closer to our son and his wife and kids. The first few years were fine because we went back back-and-forth, but after that, it was full-time here is the medical care where we used to live is terrible andI have Stage three heart failure. Anyway, long story short, for the past 20 years I have felt as if I have no home even though we have a lovely house here. I do not feel grounded or connected. The people here have often been here all their lives, raised their children here, and really are not interested in making new friends. And if I'm honest, I don't feel like I have a lot in common with them. The one good thing is I get great medical care where we are now, but my life for the past 20 years has had a pervasive sense of loneliness. And let's face it. Kids are not like friends. They have their own lives and are in a completely different stage than we are. Yes there is a connection, but you can't rely on them to build your social life. At least not in our case. I have managed to connect with a few women, and joined a Bookclub and some activities at the library. But I just don't have those deep wonderful connections that I left behind. It's hard. I have yet to come across a real solution.

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1 reply
Profile picture for minnesota10
minnesota10 | @minnesota10 | Feb 17, 2025
In reply to @amberpep "About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my..." + (show)
Profile picture for Barb @amberpep

About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my kids, as I'm getting older. Since then I still have not been able to adjust to my new home ..... a senior apartment. I left everything behind I loved ... our house (later my own condo), my church, my friends, and a city I knew like the back of my hand. I have 3 kids down here (all in their 40's and one in her 50's) and when I try to say anything to them they just say, "oh Mom you're fine." I'm not one to speak up, but inside it feels like they are just blowing me off. Yet, I know there's nothing I or anyone can do about it. The apartment bldg. in which I live is full of all sorts of people - some who should be in Assisted Living and some even in Nursing Homes - it's depressing. I no longer have a car as a young man ran into the front of my car in a dug-induced state and totaled it. I don't know whether, at 80 I should get another one or not. I feel alone and useless and like "my time is up." No car = I can't get out freely, and I only see 1 of my kids once a week. The other 2 - rarely. Sorry for the self-pity, but I am so very sorry I left my home. Thanks for listening. Barb

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Why don’t you check into another place. Where you are at is not right for you.
We should never move to be close to our kids. I know a lady who kids did that to her. She never see them just like before. Do what’s right for you.
In today world 80 is not old. Talk with your doctor. They can check you over and can give you a better answer.
Not far behind you
Wish you the best

REPLY
Profile picture for projfan
projfan | @projfan | Feb 17, 2025
In reply to @amberpep "About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my..." + (show)
Profile picture for Barb @amberpep

About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my kids, as I'm getting older. Since then I still have not been able to adjust to my new home ..... a senior apartment. I left everything behind I loved ... our house (later my own condo), my church, my friends, and a city I knew like the back of my hand. I have 3 kids down here (all in their 40's and one in her 50's) and when I try to say anything to them they just say, "oh Mom you're fine." I'm not one to speak up, but inside it feels like they are just blowing me off. Yet, I know there's nothing I or anyone can do about it. The apartment bldg. in which I live is full of all sorts of people - some who should be in Assisted Living and some even in Nursing Homes - it's depressing. I no longer have a car as a young man ran into the front of my car in a dug-induced state and totaled it. I don't know whether, at 80 I should get another one or not. I feel alone and useless and like "my time is up." No car = I can't get out freely, and I only see 1 of my kids once a week. The other 2 - rarely. Sorry for the self-pity, but I am so very sorry I left my home. Thanks for listening. Barb

Jump to this post

I caught two things (well, maybe three) in your note, aside from: Congratulations for figuring out your issues so clearly!

-- Have you experimented with Uber or Lyft? I still drive, but they are options I know I need to pursue. I suspect that the reason I've been putting it off is the learning curve, but really, how hard can it be, right? The first couple of times I expect I will fumble through it and feel like an idiot, but they have to have figured out how to make it pretty easy by now. Alternatively, a lot of places still offer taxi service. Back in the day, I even set up an account with my mother's local taxi service and kept it topped up, so she didn't need to handle money.

-- You mentioned church at your old community. Have you found a new church to settle into? Again, the church was my mother's home away from home. I've got a friend who is exploring new temples now, to find one that she feels a good fit for. I've got another friend who has really enjoyed being part of their local senior center.

-- Forgive me if I'm out of line here, but it sounds like you may be struggling with having the energy to tackle this level of change. I take an online basic balance class offered here (https://www.lifespan-roch.org/new-events), and they are likely to offer another starting in June or July. I hate exercise, but I know that doing it helps give me energy for other things. If you are feeling more intellectually ambitious, you could explore here (https://www.futurelearn.com/subjects) for online classes; I've taken classes on a variety of these topics for fun, and found the comments among the students (including people in their 80s and 90s) to be really engaging, and if you stick with a subject area, you may get to know the other students, who come from around the world. Finally, perhaps it's worth asking your doctor for an antidepressant, to see if that helps? Everything looks (and is) so much harder to tackle when we are suffering from depression.

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wmehan | @wmehan | Feb 17, 2025
In reply to @amberpep "About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my..." + (show)
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About 7 years ago I moved from one state to another, to be closer to my kids, as I'm getting older. Since then I still have not been able to adjust to my new home ..... a senior apartment. I left everything behind I loved ... our house (later my own condo), my church, my friends, and a city I knew like the back of my hand. I have 3 kids down here (all in their 40's and one in her 50's) and when I try to say anything to them they just say, "oh Mom you're fine." I'm not one to speak up, but inside it feels like they are just blowing me off. Yet, I know there's nothing I or anyone can do about it. The apartment bldg. in which I live is full of all sorts of people - some who should be in Assisted Living and some even in Nursing Homes - it's depressing. I no longer have a car as a young man ran into the front of my car in a dug-induced state and totaled it. I don't know whether, at 80 I should get another one or not. I feel alone and useless and like "my time is up." No car = I can't get out freely, and I only see 1 of my kids once a week. The other 2 - rarely. Sorry for the self-pity, but I am so very sorry I left my home. Thanks for listening. Barb

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Get the car! I am 85 still driving and can’t face it when I should stop. It is a feeling of freedom. Fortunately for me everything I need is within 5 miles & I go through some of the back streets to keep away from those crazy drivers. Get to a church or check with county or towns’ or local library for programs for seniors or things that might be of interest. Start a program where you live. Your children are busy in their own lives. Ours live are 900 miles away. Get phone calls. This is the new normal. Sorry if my suggestion sounds so idealistic.
These are the things I would strive to do. But I am here taking care of my husband who has dementia. He is tired wants to sleep most of the day. If I go out he needs to go with me. He needs to know I am near.

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