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Ready to throw in the towel ... never imagined I'd be this sad
I hope I didn't write this before, but I'm at my wits end. I'm 71, have lived in PA and then in MD for 35 years. Two of my 3 kids and their families live in VA. and they kept hounding me to move down. I didn't want to do it. Finally after 4-5 years, I decided to do it. So here I am, and I hate this place. I wish I'd have never moved. I love being with my kids and their families, but they have lives so it's only about once a week, which is understandable. I am so very sorry I moved here .... it's been nothing but upheaval and trouble for me since I did. One thing after another. I see a therapist and Psychiatrist every other week for therapy and meds., but that's 3 hours away. My kids just don't "get it" ..... they don't want to hear anything about me that might even be slightly negative. HIP HIP HOORAY! That's my life as they think it should be. Well, it's not. They have no idea what I mentally go through, and this move has just turned my world upside down in every possible way ..... physically, mentally, emotionally, financially (big time!). It feels like I'm just here, waiting for the end. I know this sounds like a pity party and I guess it is ..... I'm sorry. I just never imagined this point in my life would be this sad.
Abby
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Abby,
A general comment...do what makes you feel good and at peace. Your desires are very important and should be respected.
I've spent most of my life and still struggle with the "pleasing others" syndrome. For me, it is a way that I can assure myself that if I do what others want of
me, I will have their love and acceptance. What I've found out as I've lived my life is that this belief is a bunch of "crap". It seems I always end up giving up a lot and not getting much of anything in return. It's hard to change this belief though as most of the reinforcement I have gotten throughout my life has been related to what I can do for others. I would really like for people to like me for me (whoever that is). I just feel like if I don't have a purpose (and this has always been in the helping field), there's no reason for me to exist. I've been able to deal with this most of my life because I have devoted myself to my work, which involved helping others. However, now, due to physical and mental health issues, I'm unable to work. This has been extremely difficult for me and has taken a huge toll on my mental health ( I deal with major depression and mild anxiety). The only way I've been able to cope is by volunteering. I'm convinced if I did not have the responsibilities I have in my various volunteer roles, I would've gone off the deep end by now.
Sorry, I got off the point somewhat, but maybe my experience will help someone else who's experienced losses in later life (death of loved one, unemployment, inability to be mobile, etc.) can think about volunteering as a way to deal with grief, loneliness, lack of sense of purpose, etc.
To everyone who reads this, I wish you peace and contentment in the new year.
Sharon
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3 ReactionsThank you all so very much for writing ... I just got home last night from about 5 days in Frederick. I stay with a girlfriend when I go up. She lives in the opposite end of the city than I did, and I no longer have the temptation to "just go and see how my condo looked" obviously not from the inside, just the street. I did that 2x and decided it was just a stupid thing to do. It's not mine anymore, so Barbara, get over it! No, I didn't want to move down here - it was purely out of duress, but I'm finally beginning to feel at home. It's so obvious to me that both of my girls, who live down here, are so glad I'm here, it would be like kicking them in the teeth if I moved back. They are so sweet. I ask for nothing, but they just see things and do them. While I was in Frederick, one of my girls came and took care of my cats for me, washed a sink full of dishes (I didn't ask her to do that!, it's just the way her heart is), and tidied up a bit. She also told me that she hid a "little something" somewhere in my condo to see if I could find it. It's been 2 years now, and it's been a rough, long haul, but I think I've finally gotten over the hump. I'll always love Frederick and have wonderful memories of it, and if it ever became necessary, I would go back. But, I do think the sting is gone. And I owe that all to my girls ..... they have been like real angels to my soul and heart.
abby
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1 Reaction@amberpep Abby,
The ability to adjust to new situations is a gift and a blessing. I'm glad that you found a way to do that! Best wishes to you in 2018!
Teresa
@amberpep -- I'm so glad to see that some of the darkness of the move is lifting, It's also wonderful to hear how your girls do thoughtful things for you and really want you nearby them. My mom left her friends across the country and started her business over near my sister and me 14 years ago, and I count it as a great blessing.
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1 ReactionWell, here we go again. I'm going to be moving .... holy cow! I feel like a transplanted tree that people keep moving. But, this is my decision. I live in a low income apartment complex .... the apartments are really nice, but the environment is literally scary. There's a crack house, a woman who "sees" men on Saturdays every 45 min. (hmmmm.....), young girls being taken away in police cars in handcuffs, syringes lying on the ground, some people just ready for a fight at a moment's notice, and the kids ..... oh my the kids ..... they are obviously left to themselves. The behavior, language, they try to run one over when I'm walking my dog ..... WE are to move because they won't. Last night it was about 11 PM there was quite a ruckus at the bottom of the steps. I waited awhile and went to check what it was. Here it was a man with 2 little girls, I'd say about 4 years old, telling me that "they were trying to catch fireflies." 11 PM? Really? I've never seen 1 firefly since I've been here. I think he was doped up. I told him I'd like to take my dog down there to go out before we went to bed, and if they were being so loud, she might try to bite them (admittedly, she doesn't bite). It got quiet, I took my dog out and came back up. Then there was a loud knock on my door, I looked out the peep hole and saw nothing. I carefully opened the door and here stands this large, tall woman, arms folded across her chest saying "I understand you told your dog to bite my kids." I tried to tell her what really I said, but she wouldn't hear it and just said to me, "that's disrespectful to my family," obviously wanting a fight - verbal or otherwise. I closed the door, and went back to my room with a book and a cup of tea .... I was totally shaken. I've been very scared here since the get go, but it's getting worse. So, my name is on a waiting list for a senior apartment. I don't want to live like this anymore ..... it was a long night of no sleep.abby
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4 Reactionscall police is the best way forward if the children have been hassling your dog
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2 Reactions@amberpep Hi Abby, I am so glad you will move! No one should feel unsafe where they live. I lived in a similar situation. It was a converted school so the apts were old classrooms. My neighbor across hall was a drug dealer just released from federal prison for armed robbery. I saw a female coming out of a man’s room smiling and counting her money. The police were called frequently as the residents were prone to low life screaming fights. I was so happy the day I left. You will have this feeling soon! Good for you!............Karen
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3 ReactionsThanks Karen …. right now I'm sitting in my bedroom with one little light on. I hear a ruckus in the hallway … I have no idea who or what it is but I'm not about to find out. Til I get out of here, I'm keeping totally to myself.
abby
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1 Reaction@amberpep Be careful. Do document what happens in case there's any question later on. It also helps you realize that it's not all in your head! Please be safe and let's hope that the wait list is short for you to get into a senior apartment.
Ginger
Hi everyone. I don't know how much I've told you about this, but I live in a government subsidized apartment for seniors. Since I don't get alimony - married 45 years and raised 3 kids - stupid me didn't ask for any because at the time I had a substantial inheritance from my Dad and half of when my now X-husband and I sold our paid for house. Well, I bought my own condo, and of course had to buy furniture for it, and pay my lawyer - a woman who in town was considered a "pit bull" in fighting for womens' rights. Well, stupid me, thinking I'd be fine didn't ask for alimony ... obviously she disagreed. Well, on the advice of a "friend" I placed my money with an Investment Manager and thought all was well .... he turned out to be a crook (think Bernie Madolf). When I saw my resources going down quite quickly, I called him and he totally blew his stack. Needless to say, I took all of what was left out and placed it with an Investment Counselor who was highly recommended by a friend of my son. Both are lawyers. I am pleased with the new IC. The SEC caught up with the original Money Manager, he was fined $2 million dollars, lost his house, his wife, and his kids went off the rails. Now the SEC can go in anytime, day or night, unannounced and go through his files. Now I am living on my S.S. (which, after being home with 3 kids for years) - worked for a church for several years, for a Psychologist for 6, and a dentist for 4, once my kids were either in college or in high school. Back then the pay wasen't great, so my own S.S. is meager. If it weren't for my son sending me money each month, I wouldn't make it.Long story, I know ..... I got divorced - my X is a Narcissist, lives in a big house he built, and is just full of himself as N's usually are. Me? I live in an apartment, subsidized by the government. When the local mental hospital gets "full" they send them here! Most of these people are benign - I don't even know who most of them are - there are 5. But, one man is outright dangerous, and quite obviously does not belong here, and does not take whatever medications he is on. He prowls around outside at night trying to peek in first floor windows, creeps up on people (me one evening when I was taking my dog out) and just stares at you, he beat up a woman in one of the rooms and broke her nose and cheekbones (he then went back to the mental hospital for a period of time). He's back again doing the same creepy things he did before, and .... he is threatening to kill people .... several of the elderly ladies (who are really afraid of him) and a man. When anyone says anything to the Manager here, she says, she knows and "be patient, we're taking care of it." We have been hearing that for at least 2 months and so far ..... nothing! She said that when the government tells you that you have to take someone, you have no choice, but "we're to be patient, they're working on it." I was furious and talked to both my girls who have their MSW's, and my son, who is a lawyer, about this. They all said to contact Adult Protective Services. So I did and within 2 days a woman showed up at my door. She came in and we discussed this situation in depth. She did give me names of 2 other places to contact for a different living facility, and asked me who he had threatened. I told him the names of 2 of the women and one man. Both of the women were very eager to speak to her. Well, when she went to speak with the man, I have no idea what he said to her, but ..... within 3 days I was sitting in the laundry room waiting for my laundry to dry and in he walks. He railed me up and down, threatened that he would be evicted and so would I, and the other 2 women, and I had no right to contact the APS. He shook his finger at me like I was a child and I just let him rant before I said anything ..... then I stood up and let him have it. I told him exactly why I called them and I would do it again if I had to. He was furious with me. I called my son, and there's no way none of us can be evicted .... someone had to do something because the Management was not doing anything. Were we waiting for someone else to be beaten up or killed? I am so done with this place .... the cockroaches, the dirt all over the halls, people dying monthly (many should be in a nursing home) .... the ambulance is here almost every night taking someone to the hospital, and we've got hoarders who draw still more bugs and mice. I've told my girls about this and they just say, "Oh Mom, you're fine." I absolutely refuse to live like this until I am frail and feeble, so I'm contacting the other 2 places the Social Worker gave me, and staying in my apartment, not answering the door or phone, unless I know it's one of my kids. One of my big problems when I went into therapy was "trust" issues, especially of men. This has really stirred things up, and (excuse me to all you guys out there) but I could kick everyone of them "there" until they couldn't walk. I should have stayed in MD where I'd lived for 30 years instead of moving to this place in VA, near my daughters. I'd love to move to Charlottesville, but there's no way I can afford it. I know this is long and I'm sorry .... I'm just scared and depressed, and just about in hiding.Barb