Help! My husband refuses to shower. It’s been 2 weeks now.

Someone gave me a baby wipes warmer so those wipes are always warm and ready.
Also, one of the most freeing things I read was, “Nobody dies from not taking a shower “. So I bathe what he will let me, when he will let me. His doctor prescribed a very low dose of Ativan which helps. He is still resistant to changing or bathing but doesn’t get so angry.

Thank you for sharing ideas that may work. I appreciate every one and will use them whenever I can.

That can be frustrating. I dealt with something similar with my older cousin when she had dementia. Initially, I tried to care for her in her home, but it became too much for one caregiver in the home. I would talk positively about bathing and promise all the good things that would happen afterwards, like a drive, her favorite music video, ice cream, etc. She would whine and protest, but we got through it. Later, she would refuse help bathing in the regular assisted living facility. Resistance to care in general became a problem and then wandering. So, I had her moved to Memory Care. There, they knew how to manage her care and she got 3 showers a week. No problem. The staff are trained professionals and they did an excellent job of managing her care, including bathing.

An aversion to water is common with dementia. Many experience it. For some people it might fade.

I hope you can find help. Some people get outside help, like a bath aid. We got my dad that, but he refuses to allow it. So, I’m looking at facilities for placement now.

Thanks Celia for sharing your experience. You were fortunate to find a memory care unit with staff who knew how to do this. They are not all like that, I’ve found. Actually if you are in the NYC area, would you mind sharing the name of the facility. I will also look into finding a bath aide. He won’t let his regular aides touch him at all.
I so appreciate your advice.
Happy Holidays.

I’m afraid it wasn’t in the NYC area. It was in NC. I was surprised at the number of residents at the AL and MC that were from the north. Apparently, the costs is much less in rural areas of NC. The place at the time was privately owned and small. They had little staff turnover. It was ideal. They gave us the Downton Abby welcome when we arrived. Director and staff standing at the entrance (outside) with smiles and a wheelchair . They never called me to complain of her behavior. They managed it. She was immediately happier there.

It’s been several years since my cousin died, so I don’t know their status now. I will PM you the name if you request it.

Sounds like a wonderful place. Yes, the costs up here are astronomical. I think a place with the caliber of staff you wrote about would probably be too costly here.
I am lucky to have good aides to work in my home and perhaps eventually we’ll break through his resistance or perhaps he won’t be so resistant when the disease progresses. (And I get to move on to a new set of challenges.😱)
Thanks again Celia for your generosity.

My cousin was very opposed to AL initially, but the fact her doctor said she needed it to get her strength back, better nutrition, PT, medication regulated, etc. convinced her. By the time she got to MC a couple months later, she was accustomed to it and not long after that she thought it was her apartment and she had no memory of her previous house. She thought she worked in the office. But everyone is different. I’m trying to get my dad into a facility now. He says he needs to go, but then reneges. Sigh.

Best of luck with your situation, i know it’s tough.

I totally understand. My spouse is not interested in doing anything related to bathing. I put my foot down to the this one. I try by using myself and how he would feel if I gave up on caring how I bathe, etc. Oh, believe me he gets upset ..but he realizes that he usually cannot win. His sense of smell is not there.So with much persuasion I finally have been able to reason with him. Sometimes I change up the time to get this out of the way. I think my spouse is so afraid of falling he just plays being safe..but it is harder as caregivers to persuade..I have learned how to get my point across by saying how would you feel if I gave up? He looks at me and seems to suddenly understand. This is the one that gets me the most and of course the way we are treated unfairly with anger and mean word's! I start to walk away and he suddenly says ok. Not always. But I cannot imagine what you are dealing with. One day is too many. Hugs and know that I really care!

Thanks sillyblone for your input. My guy is too far gone to respond to this approach. He did let me wash his back and one arm pit with a washcloth. I’ll try some other body parts and maybe eventually get him all washed.

I’m struggling with this issue with my husband as well. He’s reliant on Dude wipes and thinks this is compensatory over a fresh shower. So I’ve started offering him a reward of going out to dinner once he’s cleaned and sharp looking. This is a bribe, but it worked. I also gave him the advice of showering every two days. This meets him half way. Still a challenge, but some wins here and there.