I survived suicide attempts

Perhaps I'll be able to respond to you tomorrow. Thanks for your words.<br><br>Jim<br><br>

Thank you all for your kind words. These conversations between people who have, either directly themselves, or someone close to them, experienced these most sensitive of situations (for the lack of a better word).
I was interested to see how or what others had experienced as far as reaction from their spouses and families? Surprisingly, my husband at the time called me a coward, and his parents took our names off of of their Wills' (we were the Trustees) and stopped speaking with us for a time (???) My mother who thinks she is somewhat of a Psychologist because she had to do some training in that respect for her Child & Youth Worker Diploma (she use to work with troubled teens in a group home), was happy to tell me not to worry, that she had told my brother, aunt and grandmother that I was in the hospital because I had hemorrhaged due to another medical condition that they knew I had!! First of all she didn't even need to tell them anything! If she hadn't called them
they would never know any way! I wasn't embarrassed by what I had done, but she sure was!!! But she still wanted the attention that she could get out of me being in the hospital. I even remember my mother constantly threatening to commit suicide when ever she had a big fight with one of her boyfriends.
She would often blame me for the breakup as well.
I think that my grandmother & my aunt would have understood to a certain extent. You see my grandmother (paternal) apparently had suffered some severe depression and had said that she would have killed herself but she was too much of a coward. Also my paternal great grandmother hung herself in my grandparents house. Unfortunately, it was my grandfather that found her when he came home after work.
Go forward 16 years & my now ex-husband commits suicide!!!!! I guess HE's the coward after all !!
So you see, it has been virtually impossible to have a conversation in relation to the depression that I find myself falling deeper & deeper into.
The one thing that may differ from some is that I believe that I should have a right to commit suicide if I want to. All this talk about people & suicide near end of life! What about the ones who still may have a lot of life left. A lot of life left to live in this terrible pain!! We treat animals that are in pain better than we do humans!!! Why do we have so much compassion for them and not for ourselves?
When I got together with my second husband I thought, finally I am in a good place after year & years fighting the big "S"!!!!
Then the CRPS came and managed to devastate my whole life!! Physically. & mentally!!!! I gained over 145 lbs, due to side effects from several of the medications along with the inability to get around much or exercise due to the pain. The dry mouth caused by a few of my medications caused me to lose many of my teeth to the point that I now need dentures! I lost my job after over 21 years! My job was who I was, (sad but true) if that makes sense. Losing my job was a big blow, although as my condition progressed I knew that there was no way that I could have continued doing my job & working the hours that I was working! It was a definitely big part of my mental downward spiral. Going from making six figures to now living below the poverty line on disability was a real wake-up call. Then when my husband died everyone said you can apply for his pension, so I did and it got me a whole $30 more a month!!!!! It's just so crazy.
Anyway, I am very sorry if I started to ramble, I really, really do not have anyone to talk to.
So I DO really appreciate the support and conversations and sometimes education that happens here.
I apologize if I have been too blunt for some, and appreciate those of you who continued to read and understand.
Thanks you.

safetyshield, The task I was sharing with Jim -ref: Suicide Intervention and ways to help change ones desire of death- to life and how ( and ways we can help change some of that way thinking- through various techniques - believe this what your asking about) ? Let me know so I can answer with the back ground you are looking for. i can tell you most of what I do, I learned at the Army War College and the various schools I was blessed in going, for the main purpose of Suicide Intervention- if that helps any. John James

I resonate way too much to say anything critical about you or your situation. I know quite well what it's like to have people say terrible, insensitive things about the pain and about depression. Some of those remarks caused me to sink even deeper into the dark pit of depression.

I suppose you've heard the Catholic position on suicide, which is shared by many non-Catholics. The belief is that suicide is murder, and it ends a life on a human's calendar, rather than on the timing of God. Thus, it's a sin that will prevent that person from entering Heaven.

I don't hold to that view. My limited experience has shown me that the decision to commit suicide is not, as a rule, a rational one. The decision to commit suicide is usually made under very difficult circumstances, whether it's physical pain or psyche ache or another desperate response to life issues. I believe that God's grace and mercy and forgiveness would embrace and welcome us, not condemn us to an eternity in the torments of Hell.

Suicide is not a subject I can bring up with my wife or other family members. If you want to see a roomful of people become silent, just say something about suicide. It really puts a damper on party conversation. Often, people say that talking about it only makes us think about it more, and makes us more likely to act on it. So, it's good to have a place where it's safe and acceptable to share our thoughts and feelings with others. Perhaps we can learn to acknowledge the pain and find ways of coping.

SShield- The history of the study of Suicide, is a Graduate level in Thanatology,// the study of the dying process- the meaning of death itself- It investigates the Mechanisms and forensic aspects of death, such as Bodily and emotional changes, and the wider psychological and social aspects related to death- no matter how a person died- you investigate how the person lived and what factors ( if any- that the person plays a roll in their own death) it also is an extended study of grief counseling for Suicide Victims ( referring to the family or any loved one affected by their death) Also the compassion in any situation where you can help the family with whatever needs they my have. The Military started looking into the practices and the Buddy system for a program to teach all soldiers to some degree about suicide intervention and how to become a ( what we call) Battle buddy. Always being near and listening to the soldier who maybe thinking of suicide, is this the history you are thinking-or the history of the church and suicide, JJames

Colleen- how can one send you an e-mail ? in order to run something by you- thanks JJames

@johnjames You can send me a private message. Here's how:
1. Click the member's @username.
2. Click the envelope icon in their profile.
3. Write a subject and your message.
4. Click Send Message.

Or write to me using the contact form found in the footer https://connect.mayoclinic.org/contact-a-community-moderator/

I've been watching and reading this thread, since it started. Until now, I have only thought about replying or adding to it. I suppose in part because I've never "attempted suicide". Suicidal Ideation however has been a very large part of my thoughts, throughout the years. (Presently, as I write this, I have not had such thoughts in quite some time.) I would consider myself, as having "Passive Suicidal Ideation"- a desire to die, without a specific plan to carry it out. Suicide, at some point in my life, became an "option", if I could not withstand the battles of my life... I work hard to remain a survivor.
At the age of 27, I had a beautiful, curly red headed baby girl. Joy, renewal, and a vow... to raise her without abuse, harm, or as an outlet for my anger. She is 20 years old now, and I'm SO very proud, to be her Mom. (My vow to my daughter will make more sense, if you choose to read on.)
I have shared, in another post, that I journal. I have since I was very young. Looking back through some of those journals, I see a dark side in my words, helplessness, in my writing... and I recall writing those words and feelings, from those times. Pleading, and begging to have it ALL go away. I DO see a therapist presently. I've been to many over the years, as I seek "help" when I KNOW my thought patterns are again, shifting.
My paternal grandmother died when I was 13yrs old. She was literally my "lifeline", as only she gave me the support, and compassion that I unknowingly sought, the years before she passed. Her passing was like the end of the world, for me. I vividly recall the middle of the night phone call, my father received... letting him know, she had died. Seeing my father cry. To this day, I am deathly afraid, of middle of the night phone calls.
After her passing, I lost a lot of weight (diagnosed as anorexic) I started "cutting" and graduated to burning. (From the MAYO clinic; ~Cutting- Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It's typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger, and frustration. ~) (I have been in "cutting" sobriety, for many years. IT has NOT always been easy.) Depression, chronic anxiety/panic attacks... PTSD. These diagnoses did NOT just come about because of my Grandma's passing. Her passing, and the sudden realization that my lifeline was gone, exacerbated my feelings of being empty, totally alone, unlovable and lost, and brought to the surface, the deep emotional pain, I had endured since before I was 5yrs old.
I was SO young, my relationship with my mother was very "strained', I realized we were NOT close before I was 5. She was not afraid to shout the words, "I wish you had never been born!" My father, so much like my grandma, (his Mom) was my rock. Never was I unsure if he loved me, or was proud that I was his daughter. (I was an only child for 5 yrs before my middle sibling was born.) I felt I lived in a war zone, when my parents were together. My mother is/was very insecure, jealous, and hateful. Especially toward the relationship between my dad, and myself. She was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. (Accusations of extra-marital affairs, against my Dad, were a nightly "dinner topic") EVERY day, I lived this. I witnessed Domestic Violence, ALL night arguing, and dysfunction, in all of its horrifying grandeur. My mother was my enemy, and I was one of her targets. * I will leave gaps of my story, as some parts; induce great panic attacks/anxiety, for me, to this day. As an example, when my Mother became enraged she would grab my hair, wrap it around her fist, clench it tightly, and RIP it out of my head. My scalp would bleed. She would laugh, and "promise" I would "get" it again. *
I was introduced to the concept of "suicide', at the age of 4. Of course I didn't understand it, or what it meant but my mother, used the words, “I will kill myself, and then you'll be sorry", to my Dad, several times during their daily/nightly arguments. My mother would make phone calls to my Dad's work, EVERY day, tell ME what to say when the receptionist answered, and when my Dad would pick up the call, I was coached to tell him; “Daddy, you need to come home. Mommy is going to kill herself". At first, he would. He would leave work, and come home. They would fight. I would hide.
As time went on, and my mother continued this behavior, my Dad would NO longer take the calls I was forced to make. I TOOK the brunt of those "NO longer taken phone calls", and I feared my mother and being alone with her. This was in the early 70's, and I was only 4/5. (I was threatened, by my mother, when I became school aged, threatened with agonizing physical repercussions, IF I ever said a word about MY home life. I never did.) My parents had 2 more daughters. My mother targeted neither of them, as I became their protector.
At 47, I am still haunted by everything I endured. (MY PTSD diagnosis) Memories get easier, but do not go away.
My mother attempted suicide, one time, which I know of. My Dad, spoke to professional's re: my mother's chronically abusive behaviors, and she was put on medication, evaluated, and mandated to work with a therapist. If she did not, she would’ve been placed in an "institution". She "played" along, and NEVER was seen, as who she truly was/is. My mother continued her "targeting" of me, until I graduated HS, and moved out, 2 months later. Her behaviors toward my Dad NEVER ceased. She will be 69 in a few short weeks. 50 yrs of marriage. (My birthday candle wish, every year was; “I wish that Mom and Dad will get divorced.” It never came true.)
My Dad..., who I have spoken of proudly, IS chronically sick. He is in the hospital, with Stage 4 kidney failure, survived 3 open heart surgeries, served in Vietnam, ALWAYS saying, " I am a soldier"... and HE endured my mother’s abuse his entire adult life. He has also been one of my strongest lifelines, and he IS going to die. He recently made his "end of life" choices. DNR is in place.
He CAN return home, to live what time he has left. He CHOSE NOT to. His reason; “I can NO longer live with your mother, or her abusive ways. I do love her BUT I am tired, and I am done". His 3 daughters, my 2 younger sisters, and I support and accept his difficult decision. Yet, OUR hearts are broken.
Yet, I know that even the strongest soldier, one-day finds, that it's his time to rest.
My Dad has been in Palliative Care, for just under 1 month now. I am proud of my Dad. It is the first choice he has made for himself, OVER my mother's blatant disregard FOR his needs/wants. After 50 yrs, of "unknowingly enabling and 'giving in' to my mother, out of his love for her, ( and his concrete explanation of, " Your mother is sick, I can’t leave her.") My Dad has stood up to her.
She has told him he is selfish, abusive and has never loved her, for the choice he has now made. She has stated she will commit suicide, when he dies. *By my young adult years, I knew just how very conniving, and manipulative my mother was/ and still is. And, YES... how VERY mentally sick she's been her entire life.*
My "wish" has now become, that MY dad lives his last days, weeks, or months, the way he chooses. He has limited the amount of visits my mother is allowed, to see him. A difficult, yet necessary decision.
AS I read your post's @overwhelmed, and @jimhd 's, regarding suicide, my heart heard your feelings, thoughts, and worries. Very loudly. My OWN memories, emotions, and deepest fears surfaced. BUT I didn't panic. I felt NOT so alone. I know, being told, "You are NOT alone" and "Feeling totally and hopelessly alone, during those times... are a battle fought, in a troubled, fragile mind. I know. I get "it". I "hear" you. I have "felt" it.
And @johnjames, you have a truly incredible and compassionate knowledge base, filled with empathy and genuine concern. NOT only because you have studied such areas of life, but because you have lived through, witnessed, and experienced so much, as a man. A human being, beyond all else that you have become, throughout your life's journey, thus far. Your very first post, in which you shared some very deep experiences from your military career, and as a Chaplain, drew me in, more than you may realize. Maybe, I was directed to your posts and words by something larger than myself. (I have copied and saved, many of your replies to others, and to myself, so that I can look at them, read them, and draw strength from them.) They have given me a "new" perspective, on many subjects, and for that, I’m grateful.
I seem to post in Connect when certain posts just draw me in because I truly "feel" them. Almost like, I am meant to read them. Not just in this thread but in several others, as well. And as I read them, I "feel" them because the "emotions" that they display are similar to my experiences, or I feel a need to reach out, and offer some light, in a dark moment. Because I HAVE been there, and I am sure, I will be again. Yet, I live to be as positive as I can be, see the big picture, in the smallest things, or see the simple things in the big picture, and realize that I DO have a purpose here, in this world. Even if I don't always see it. Sometimes I feel that we don't always see our own purpose at times because it is meant for others to see.
Dealing with suicide, suicidal ideation, cutting, etc... It is not easy. Especially, when the demons you wish to escape, come from within your darkest experiences, or thoughts. We are NOT our demons. We DO have a purpose here in life, and we ARE survivors. We must be extra gentle, yet sometimes stern, with ourselves. Nurture ourselves, yet urge ourselves to get back up.
We are the ONLY person that will be with US, every day, all of our life.
What I have shared isn't even a quarter of my experiences. But I AM HERE. I've ridden the terrifying roller coaster, and I am STILL here. And no, journaling doesn't always get rid of those feelings. Sometimes, I just want to rip the pages out... and I have.
The fall down a ladder, is easier than the climb up a ladder. YET, we have re-climbed our ladder, one rung at a time. Many times, for WE are here. We don't have to get back to the top of OUR ladder, in one day; we just need to hang on to ONE rung, of OUR ladder, at a time. Even when, the "hanging on" part is the MOST difficult thing in the world. Sit on the rung of the ladder, even if it's at the bottom sometimes. When you're able, start the climb, to the next rung, don't look all the way to the top of your ladder... just concentrate on that very next rung... getting back up is a process, NOT a race.
I see "your" purpose, in your posts.... With genuine appreciation, ~ KIM

johnjames I am always interested in different approaches to mental health issues. I know that there are different types of depression and different kinds of treatment. Some do overlap. Thanks for sharing your approach. It enhanced my base of knowledge both as a person and a therapist

I was born with a disability and still have it today. While I was growing up I was bullied in school for 7 years without a let up. I knew since I was disabled that the school itself did not want me there because of my disability and feel that they allowed me to be bullied without doing anything. I spent almost every other year in the hospital upto my senior year in school. I had counselors talking to me and psychological tests from what I know now were all BS. It wasn't until my 7th grade that the same bully took to the brink of emotional fedupness. I went to the football coach and told him about my being bullied and he had the football team talk to the bully. To no avail. Than the gym teacher that was teaching me gymnastics had me demonstrate on the parallel bars for the class. From the time I got off the bars the bulling from this one child ended. Just like that. A couple of other students tried to bully me again. But once I tasted the feeling of self worth I stood up to these guys and it stopped. Through out my life I always meet an adult mostly at work and where I live who bullies me. But not wanting to go through this BS again. I just stand up to them. Not through threats but action that is good for me. I do on and off having feelings of depression. That is normal. But I will go to a friend neighbor or even go for counseling when I feel that way. No one should feel less of a person for needing help or going for help. I have not really contemplated suicide. But that is just me. I just feel that suicide for me would make those who care about me sad and the others maybe empowered. Just hanging on to there will be a tomorrow and doing what empowers me (like these conversations) and doing activities that I like to do keeps me satisfied happy and moving forward.