Thank you all for your kind words. These conversations between people who have, either directly themselves, or someone close to them, experienced these most sensitive of situations (for the lack of a better word).
I was interested to see how or what others had experienced as far as reaction from their spouses and families? Surprisingly, my husband at the time called me a coward, and his parents took our names off of of their Wills' (we were the Trustees) and stopped speaking with us for a time (???) My mother who thinks she is somewhat of a Psychologist because she had to do some training in that respect for her Child & Youth Worker Diploma (she use to work with troubled teens in a group home), was happy to tell me not to worry, that she had told my brother, aunt and grandmother that I was in the hospital because I had hemorrhaged due to another medical condition that they knew I had!! First of all she didn't even need to tell them anything! If she hadn't called them
they would never know any way! I wasn't embarrassed by what I had done, but she sure was!!! But she still wanted the attention that she could get out of me being in the hospital. I even remember my mother constantly threatening to commit suicide when ever she had a big fight with one of her boyfriends.
She would often blame me for the breakup as well.
I think that my grandmother & my aunt would have understood to a certain extent. You see my grandmother (paternal) apparently had suffered some severe depression and had said that she would have killed herself but she was too much of a coward. Also my paternal great grandmother hung herself in my grandparents house. Unfortunately, it was my grandfather that found her when he came home after work.
Go forward 16 years & my now ex-husband commits suicide!!!!! I guess HE's the coward after all !!
So you see, it has been virtually impossible to have a conversation in relation to the depression that I find myself falling deeper & deeper into.
The one thing that may differ from some is that I believe that I should have a right to commit suicide if I want to. All this talk about people & suicide near end of life! What about the ones who still may have a lot of life left. A lot of life left to live in this terrible pain!! We treat animals that are in pain better than we do humans!!! Why do we have so much compassion for them and not for ourselves?
When I got together with my second husband I thought, finally I am in a good place after year & years fighting the big "S"!!!!
Then the CRPS came and managed to devastate my whole life!! Physically. & mentally!!!! I gained over 145 lbs, due to side effects from several of the medications along with the inability to get around much or exercise due to the pain. The dry mouth caused by a few of my medications caused me to lose many of my teeth to the point that I now need dentures! I lost my job after over 21 years! My job was who I was, (sad but true) if that makes sense. Losing my job was a big blow, although as my condition progressed I knew that there was no way that I could have continued doing my job & working the hours that I was working! It was a definitely big part of my mental downward spiral. Going from making six figures to now living below the poverty line on disability was a real wake-up call. Then when my husband died everyone said you can apply for his pension, so I did and it got me a whole $30 more a month!!!!! It's just so crazy.
Anyway, I am very sorry if I started to ramble, I really, really do not have anyone to talk to.
So I DO really appreciate the support and conversations and sometimes education that happens here.
I apologize if I have been too blunt for some, and appreciate those of you who continued to read and understand.
Thanks you.