1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Husband diagnosed MCI: He is in denial and personality is changing

Posted by civvy @civvy, Mar 7 8:26pm

Spouse diagnosed with MCI and he is in denial that there is any problem. In spite of his forgetting appointments and getting lost
He has had major changes in his personality and is often irritable and hostile.

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boppi | @boppi | Jul 11 7:18am

You ARE young. You obviously have no love left in this relationship to be the soldier so leave him if doing so will give you the relief you feel you need. I would think you have much to consider like financials, legal matters, and just who goes where and gets what the two of you own. Dropping the emotional part of all of the issues may allow you to think pragmatically and make decisions which will give you peace. You only get one life and at the stage you are, you may have to look elsewhere to live your life.

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gloro | @gloro | Jul 11 10:21am

I am not in the boat you are in. My husband is cheerful and still tries to be helpful even as I have to direct him through the minor details of what he perceives as useful to ease my day. Even with his pleasantness, it is difficult managing his colostomy, incontinence, and cancer, being the driver, doing the shopping, paying the bills, and overseeing the maintenance of a house that we love but often needs repairs. I frequently want a life that does not revolve around another's needs 24-7. I might get into trouble here, but one of the platitudes said to make those who are dying on the inside is "God does not give you more than you can handle." I don't believe anyone has the right to tell you how much is enough. Only you know what your limit is. I recently had an 87th birthday. So, I think I have a little wisdom to pass on. Weigh your options and responsibilities carefully. Be decent with your choices. Try everything in your power to make the situation better. If, in the end, nothing changes and leaving is the only option, do it. There will be sadness, but sometimes the only thing that can be salvaged is the knowledge that you have done your best. -- GloRo

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1 reply
jehjeh | @jehjeh | Jul 11 1:50pm
In reply to @cathyfrench99 "Hello. I’m 57 and my partner is 64. In brief, I got breast cancer 6 years..." + (show)
@cathyfrench99

Hello. I’m 57 and my partner is 64. In brief, I got breast cancer 6 years ago - mastectomy, chemo and radiotherapy, the lot He was pretty hopeless during my treatment - didn’t know or want to care for me. For some reason, maybe Covid, we stayed the course. Fast forward 6 years and he was diagnosed with MCI by one consultant and told he’d simply ‘ lost his mojo’ by another and that his brain scans were reassuringly clear . All I know, is on a day to day level I mostly hate him and feel too guilty to leave. He makes nice days awful, refuses to go places and tells me “ I don’t like you” We’ve been together 23 years and I left my husband for him. Why oh why does no one on here just say, I’ve had enough, I’m done and leave their MCI partner? This is NOT the person we knew, would we stay with an alien? Aaargh xx

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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My husband can sometimes say mean things that he would never have said before dementia took it's toll. But mostly he's still loving and grateful for any little thing I do for him. I can't imagine living with mean hubby 24/7.

If you need to prioritize your own well being, do it!

I would recommend speaking with an attorney so that you are protected legally and financially.

We are not professionals and at some point it may come to a place where it's best for both partners to be apart.

Praying you can find the peace you need and for your health . Blessings

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Jul 11 4:33pm
In reply to @cathyfrench99 "Hello. Thank you for your kind message. I’ve tried to manage all this for too long..." + (show)
@cathyfrench99

Hello. Thank you for your kind message. I’ve tried to manage all this for too long and now I just want out. I have a 30 percent of my breast cancer returning- I can’t help that, just like he can’t help what’s happening to him. I resent the inference that the spouses of partners of someone with cognitive impairment- mild or otherwise- are somehow meant to soldier on and be supportive. If you met someone and they were a socialist and then. over the course of your relationship , became a fascist, would you stay with them? No. I reject the notion that the partner must suffer at the expense of the one with MCI. I have a supportive and loving friendship network- that’s where my heart is, not with this person I no longer recognise . I know longer care that this sounds brutal - yet another night alone while he goes to ‘his’ room

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@cathyfrench99 Have you given any thought to taking a 1-2 month sabatical? It could be a wonderful chance to get your health and sanity back. This time could also be used to plan for the future—with your husband or alone. you could call the Agency on Aging in your town and find out about respite care facilities. Do you have any caregiving support groups in your area?
Contact all the groups in your area and see what you can learn from them.
whatever decision you make, it will be your decision alone. how do you think you husband would react to your leaving, even for a short time?

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Scott R L | @scottrl | Jul 11 8:08pm

Forgive me for saying this, but...

If I thought, even for a moment, that I was causing my wife the kind of grief you are experiencing, I would check out.

Better an end in horror than a horror without end.

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2me | @2me | Jul 12 7:09am
In reply to @gloro "I am not in the boat you are in. My husband is cheerful and still tries..." + (show)
@gloro

I am not in the boat you are in. My husband is cheerful and still tries to be helpful even as I have to direct him through the minor details of what he perceives as useful to ease my day. Even with his pleasantness, it is difficult managing his colostomy, incontinence, and cancer, being the driver, doing the shopping, paying the bills, and overseeing the maintenance of a house that we love but often needs repairs. I frequently want a life that does not revolve around another's needs 24-7. I might get into trouble here, but one of the platitudes said to make those who are dying on the inside is "God does not give you more than you can handle." I don't believe anyone has the right to tell you how much is enough. Only you know what your limit is. I recently had an 87th birthday. So, I think I have a little wisdom to pass on. Weigh your options and responsibilities carefully. Be decent with your choices. Try everything in your power to make the situation better. If, in the end, nothing changes and leaving is the only option, do it. There will be sadness, but sometimes the only thing that can be salvaged is the knowledge that you have done your best. -- GloRo

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GloRo,it is clear you are a caring person, who has a LOT of wisdom to share! Thank you for doing so for the rest of us.

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