When you truly, honestly hate yourself

I have compassion for you that you seem stuck in "Self." Very Simply try doing for others and you won't have the time to be so fixated on you. Your world is about you; how self-centered is that? You are responsible for the way you feel; do for others and wake-up!

Dear Fellow Human,

Your agony is writ large in these lines...I am not sure how many have read your post not felt stunned or paralyzed, by the hurt that drips from your every line. Your starting line can freeze many of us -- as it did to me.

But it also made me look for What Can Be Done.
So I've scanned through some five dozen pages on Google reading in detail a few that are credible. They also say some of the same things other sources have said. And one of them is that childhood trauma (emotional and or physical abuse) that they endured by "learning" to explain Why they are bad as others around them Think they are. Accepting others' opinion of yourself we begin to explain with 'clever' phrases like Because we are "shty" ... even though on a second thought (if we get to it) we know we are just Repeating what have been said about us.

Soon it grows. We even begin to "explain" that the Creator, the God, whatever your belief system is, is also Agreeing with your negative assessment of yourself.

And Yet, did you notice you already told us to Show Us, the Mayo readers: "I am not suicidal as I am to chicken and don't want to hurt my kids and ex wife, but I feel like I'm already hurting them." You may never know how many it brought tears into their eyes, feeling helpless what to offer to you... even as it was a Clear sign of YOUR being Human and Your Caring Decision for Others. Don't YOU see that you are showing us -- and Yourself Without Realizing -- that You Are Capable of Being a Good Person?

Indeed this is what the readings I did today tells me. The Self-Haters are unable to see what Goodness Exists in them because they Constantly bombard themselves with self-loathing labels and false explanations, leaving no space for helpful alternative opinions, their own or others.

So since you say you have tried therapies and meds without any positive results, how about becoming your Own Therapist?
Let's start with simple steps -- by Questioning Every Label you give yourself. After all every claim, every idea, is only as good, as true as it can be Proven. And if You can't prove it to be true, can you be at least open enough to Accept, "well I cannot prove I am [put each one of those labels] so I will accept For Now that I am 'Not Sure' if I'm blah blah blahs.

I'd be looking forward to your next (baby) steps.

Here's one source I found credible:
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-self-loathing#google_vignette