Post ICU Nightmares / Hallucinations

Hello I had a very similar experience as you & would love to connect! I was in the ICU for severe double pneumonia, acute hypoxemic respirator failure, Sepsis, intubated, the whole 9 yards. Horrific hallucinations i was being tortured by my nurse & that she was trying to kill me. I can’t stop thinking about it & it’s affecting my whole life.

I’m sorry for everything you have been through . I can’t quite compare to your story , but I had a very long , complicated spine surgery that lasted for 16 hours . My head and neck were swollen like a pumpkin and I had to remain intubated on the ventilator for about 3-4 days . According to my husband and reading my ICU notes , I was obviously completely crazy and fighting fir my life the whole time . I thankfully don’t really remember the ventilator , but I was placed on a drip of anesthesia for the intense pain . I had a very odd and scary experience with this drug a few years ago but it was only a brief experience . However that feeling stayed w me a long time . The surgeon asked my husband if I had ever woken up from surgery that way and he said no , but explained the experience I had on the infusion I was receiving . For some reason they continued the infusion and I think I just went that much more crazy . I don’t remember anything sane for about a week after I got out of ICU and the drug was stopped . What I remember is this really dark place I was in and I thought none of my family stayed w me and I didn’t think I was in a hospital , it was like I was in a strange house and it was dark and I slept on the floor and whoever caring for me just ignored me . When I did start to come around the next week I had no idea my husband was there for two weeks at my side and then my sister took his place . She calmly tried to tell me that she thoight the nurses had been caring for me and that maybe I had been confused . I would hear nothing of it but with time I tried to make myself believe that I was being taken care of , my family was there with me and I indeed in a hospital room . It’s been six months and I still feel that my experience was that I was in a home , sleeping on the floor , no one in my family was there and the nurses ignored me. And I don’t know how to resolve this . I talked to my surgeon a few times . My husband seemed very understanding that things were terrible for me , but he did not want to discuss it with me after I got out of the hospital . I think it’s too hard for him to renember seeing me that way . I did have an offer for therapy from Mayo while I was in the hospital but I refused it for some reason . There is just this dark place in my mind that lingers there . And I still believe no one took care of me . That is my reality . It might not have happened , but it’s my reAlity .
I do hope if you have had a strong marriage otherwise , that you two get some counseling . I imagine he is as freaked out as you about what happened .

It’s not uncommon for relationships and marriages ending due to medical issues especially ones that involve long stays in the ICU. I wound up getting divorced just a few months after getting out of the ICU for ARDS.
I found out that isn’t uncommon at all. The entire relationship changes when a sick partner isn’t 100%
the same after hospitalization.
Very often near death experiences (NDE) drastically changes the former patient. They don’t worry about the same things they did when they were healthy. Often, things like arts become very important after a NDE and goals with a partner are now changed.
I try to be up front and tell a potential partner this is what I can and can’t do in my new life post a serious illness. If you’re not open with them resentment usually follows.
Finally, don’t be so hard on yourselves. You survived something horrible and you came out the other side. Be kind to your body’s new limitations and enjoy the company of others who aren’t judgemental of the new you.
Hope this helps.

Hi. I have had many similar feelings. I was flight for lifed to the hospital with septic shock from a port. I have retrograde amnesia for over 3 months but the few times I was conscious went into a non induced coma for two weeks . But before I went into coma I had this fear of going to sleep because I thought I wouldn’t wake up again, they needed to give me meds for an arterial line and I was terrified to let them give it to me. I had this block in my mind though, I couldn’t express the fear, or the confusion bc I didn’t even know why I was at a hospital or what or where. Justified fears bc that’s when I did go into the coma, multiple organ failure and a stroke and another blood clot. When I did finally start coming out of coma I couldn’t talk, or move.. my mom was told I was most likely going to have severe brain damage but I started communicating with my eyes, then talking and finally moving several days after fully waking up. But the fears and questions stayed locked in my head so no one knew I had no idea why I was there or what put me there. Still don’t know why. But the fear persisted and when I was going into coma and in it and coming out I had some extremely traumatizing feelings and experiences. I thought I was in some black cold void in space and sleeping was equivalent to accepting death. I thought I was in a purgatory and needed to choose to stay awake and fight to live and sleeping meant I wanted to die… and the few doctor and nurse experiences I remember, were the actual hallucinations to me. Remember in the coma I could smell and sometimes feel my mom though, the only reprieve from it all but I couldn’t get to her. But it wasn’t until I was given my paperwork when leaving the hospital that I saw what all had happened. No one ever explained it since I didn’t ask, they assumed I remembered. Once I got home and was talking with my mom was when we realized I had lost overs 3 months of my memory, and was just pretending to know the what and when and where’s of it all, and started talking with her about what happened in my mind. It’s terrifying to think I had lost all that time, but that block of not being able to express or ask or understand was something I still don’t comprehend about. Never talked about it with anyone else because I thought I’d sound ridiculous. Thanks for sharing. Since my mother passed I haven’t told anyone else so no one who could fill in the blanks is there anymore. I’m sorry you went through that but it is a relief that I Am not alone and wasn’t losing my mind over this.

I shared my story a moment ago but had some of the same experiences. It’s my reality, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t in an induced coma so my experiences and thoughts were not explainable by meds and doctors just treat it like a mental break but I’m still traumatized honestly.

Yoa are not alone in this steuggle