Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

Thank you. That was good of you to add that you use prayer and faith. I should have mentioned that I do pray also and it gives me comfort when other things I have tried don’t work.

Reminds me of a priests story about an older man wanting to be a priest after his wife’s sudden passing.
The priest questioned how he would handle the vow of chastity after so many years of married life.
Can’t recall the exact response but it something like “ oh father surely you know Marraige is the perfect training for the chastity vows!”
Tony

I should also have mentioned that I thought my idea of a same sex surrogate would in theory not complicate or compete with feeling that I have with my wife.

As a straight male I do not think I am predisposed to develop an adoration for a male that would compare to what I have with my wife.

I could be completely wrong about all of this.
Maybe there is no way to enjoy a sexual experience without developing feelings for the person that could complicate a marriage.

Maybe other people know more about the nature of sex than I do.

I think most women feel that for them the experience of sex is always about intimacy.

Maybe women need to have intense feelings of trust to allow themselves to be so vulnerable and not be self conscious about their body.

Maybe for many woman the whole nature of the act of sex with their spouse is that it brings them joy to do something that gives their husbands joy.

If that is the case then the desire will wain if she perceives that he is not worthy of it and feel he is not coming through on his part of the bargain.

Maybe most men need or at least want an affirmation that their wives feel the same physical attraction that they do. Maybe they will never get that from their spouse.

I have heard it said that women get the urge for sex if they think other women are attracted to their husband even if it is just the perception.
So when men take the initiative to be physically fit they will notice their wives take notice and have the desire back.
But if the man takes away the wrong lesson and thinks more working out equals more sex, he will squander away too much time on himself and then wonder what happened.

I am not that firm in my belief in evolution and natural selection but most of what seems to be true about human sexuality can be explained by it.
The rule of thumb is that men are aroused by visual cues.
Women take longer because they have an innate drive to consider the worthiness of a spouse.
If the drive is solely based on a mans ability to provide then they consider qualities that are genetically most likely to result in survival of the species.
Advancement in technology have out-paced the process of evolution of the species resulting in more variation in human behaviors.

Woman have to consider that the genetic material inherent in the biggest strongest male does not equate that they will be there to provide and protect during the period of gestation and nursing.
I am sorry that this developed into a lecture. You can tell that I enjoy analytical thinking.

Back to the initial problem of one physically ill spouse being unable or unwilling (for a number of complicated reasons) to have sex when the other spouse desires.
I think that this couple may be vulnerable to a lot of unfortunate and in my mind unnecessary pain and heartache.
Having not personally followed through with couples counseling, I do not know what kinds of suggestions they provide.

I have heard reports that people are having positive results from faith based programs.
It does make sense to me that there is a spiritual component.

Everyone's needs and wants in life are different at different times in our lives. Easy for people to sit back and judge without living our lives or being in our shoes. It's a fact that most woman's sexuality changes as they age as does a man just in a different way. We are in charge of our penis our whole life or so we think, and as we age it gets like an unruly teenager, stubborn and then we get angry at it. We still have the drive and desire but not a way of expressing it or reliving it. People are sexual creatures men for the most part more that women and I think that is by design. Another cruel trick is many women reach a sexual peak as men have passed that peak and are declining, which frustrates us as men. You can love your partner as much as ever but if the relationship has evolved to a one sided sexual relationship it can be damaging both mentally and physically. I think you should do what you need to that you can live with to make living with your partner you still love possible. I am in a similar situation with a partner who due to age, med's , physical issues, that our sexual relation once good as faded to an abyss. I do self pleasure and she is aware and gives me my space, but at times it fuels resentment which as time goes on gets stronger. There is no one size fits all answers for this complicated issue. If you factor in religion, society, (experts) on and on in the end the choice to make a move or not to is still yours. Good luck and the best to you.

Thank you arctic. Yours are my sentiments as well. A cruel trick of nature
it is.
But I have received good advice from therapists who recommended books. I
might be mixing my books but I read Mindful Meditation and A Road (or Path)
Less Traveled. I received some faith based advice too.
One or more of those source or possible all of them in different words said
to pay more attention to the acts of selflessness that your spouse does
like picking out things she/he knows you like at the store when they are
out. They could have easily not thought of their spouse at all. Those acts
are demonstrations of love.
I am not saying that the advice was completely effective against thoughts
of sex. August is always the worst month for me because in the midwest it
is when we have the hottest weather and when the summer clothes come out. I
have to avert my eyes or I will catch a glimpse of a woman that I can’t
shake.

I have to apologize because the original question was about one person in the marriage being physically ill and that was not the case for us.
My wife has a mix of personality traits that make her dynamic and appealing to me but also present problems.
She struggles with body image
issues and is not neurotypical.
We had our struggles with each other because we are both far from perfect but I guess we are still married for 30 years because we took the good with the bad.
It was a real struggle at times
but we both lived through it and chose to forgive each other for those times that our behavior was less then perfect.
I just realized that the I used the word struggle multiple times in describing our relationship. If I had to sum it up I would have to say it has been a struggle.
We have had some talks and have both came to the same conclusion.
We have come too far together and invested too much time with each other to change direction now.
We have both expressed in our own different words that we want to try and do better by each other.

I'm the I'll one and im male 44 and haven't had sex with my wife for 2 years. It's a major struggle for me. My Urologist has told me I need to relieve from time to time. I just feel guilty when I masturbate and I don't no why that it ? Anyone other guy have the same issue as me ? I don't masturbate to porn. I need to use a PVS device to ejaculate as well otherwise I can't ejaculate. I'm so down about that my sexual organs don't work like a normal person's. I needed to have my left testicle removed right epididmis and vasectomy do to a problem and 3 other operations there as well. I have been to the ER so many times for priapism as well.

The main issue here is should the spouse have a desire to have sex with someone else because their spouse is gravely ill.

Me think you heard too many incorrect views about women sexuality.

Me think your views that women ought to do this are that from a male perspective need to be removed from the equation since you will never know or experience the emotional, mental, or physical makeup of women.

As one who have been a caregiver to two moms, watching them go through the horrors of sickness and disease left me numb and unable to move forward at times.

Lord knows how I cannot imagine my beautiful husband who has taken good care of me being ill.

Sex would be the last thing on my mind. Giving him the best that I got and all I got to give to keep him comfortable and smiling until the end would be my goal.

Do unto the sick spouse as you would want them to do unto you. Treat the sick spouse like you want to be treated.

It's called unselfish love.

"In sickness and in health...". Remember those words, or similar ones?

Exactly! 🍻