What should I do in my situation?

Posted by 210030sa @210030sa, Jul 15 7:36pm

First thing is first, I couldn’t decide of a category for this so if this is moved I apologise. So I am currently 16 years old. Back when I was 9 a hurricane blew a tree in my house and was very close to hitting my mother. It was a scary night. After that I had PTSD and behavior issues. I couldn’t control myself. I was diagnosed with PDD as a young child and when I turned 16 my psychiatrist said that I had mild Asperger’s. After the hurricane I was put on lexipro for PTSD. This is where things went wrong. I started doing lots of things that I shouldn’t have like doing too much of something, such as eating, gaming, and I was always running around in my bike. After my PTSD had been treated I was at a horrible weight because after the hurricane I was always hungry (I think it was the medicine but I am not sure because I was 9-12[I don’t remember exactly]) after I started gaining weight the depression and behavior issues skyrocketed and I gained 50 pounds a year and it was only increasing. I started to do bad in school in 5th grade, which I’m guessing was lack of motivation (very serious). And in 5th grade the last friend I had moved away. I was then alone throughout middle school, and not having friends for years is very painful and can change a person. I had gotten to a point where I hardly went to school. (Also another thing to mention, I’m capable of getting A and A+ and was constantly told I was smart and I managed to make it into the advanced classes only to fail them later on and I also skipped a grade which only made my social issues worse, but my mind state was so bad I did nothing with it hence why my grades went down. 5th grade is when I got my first C. Every year later my grades went down and down.) I was a big burden on my parents because my feelings were so strong I couldn’t control myself or how I was feeling. Nothing really helped so I saw a psychiatrist and was put through almost all of the SSRI and SNRI that was supposed to help with depression. Throughout those medicine, nothing seemed to help. In middle school is also when I started to get bullied which only made me worse. During tests I would always get a 90-100 but even though I aced everything, the homework really brought things down. At 14 I got a job and started making friends online(because I had none in person and online was the only escape). I was and still am averaging 16 hours a day online which is very bad for my health. I never ate the right foods. I was always eating, even through the night. My triglycerides and some vitamin levels were horrible and I managed to have a fatty liver- similar disease because of the food I ate(I never drank alcohol, and refuse to). So after I got a job I had some money, but because of my severe depression I spent every cent I earned in an attempt to make myself feel better (still happens now). Also I didn’t know it at the time but I believe I had social anxiety because I could never start a conversation with someone new. So with the money one of the first things I had gotten was I bought computer parts and build my own computer. That is when I really started to try to make things better but only made things worse. I had played Minecraft from 2013-2020 (currently, and I know it’s lame but it’s the only thing I know besides watching videos all day long). I made some good friends many times but I ended up losing some because I was too sad and they didn’t want me. I did stupid things like cutting myself for reasons I don’t remember or understand. I posted those online. Now through the years I had made many friends but almost every time I made a friend I lost them in a very harsh way. (I say almost because of the friends I have currently online). So high school came around. I had finally made a friend and was introduced to a friend group. (And I should also mention I always felt left out, always, and it was the worst feeling because it felt almost like I still had no friends). My friends from high school were very nice although I only really am friends with one, because I feel left out with the rest of the group, including the friend who introduced me into it. In high school I started with advanced classes and did good for half a year (averaging 98 across all classes) but at some point I broke down and stopped doing homework causing my grades to plummet horribly. I started doing stupid things in high school, which I know I should not do but I do/did it anyways to try and make myself feel better. I started vaping and at first it was to look “cool”. I had never breathed it in, just pulled it into my mouth. Later on I got to a point where I started vaping and getting off it was a pain. (I managed to literally quit in 1 day). But I also made trouble for my teachers. And the friend group I had I felt left out of so I felt that I only have one friend. I always managed to start the year good In attempt to fix things, but later in the year it would all go downhill again. I quit my job for reasons I don’t even remember. I was working at a fast food restaurant and I was eating horribly but I managed to lose 25 pounds in a month. After I quit the money disappeared because I was so sad that I didn’t care about my life and spent all my money that I had for random people I met online because I didn’t feel like living. In sophomore year is when I started stupider things. I was in very bad health and I believe I weighed up to 320 pounds at one point (currently). Junior year I started to get better with depression. Miles better. But it wasn’t happy feeling, or good feeling. Junior year is also the year where I finally managed to control my behavior better, and acting more civil. I have irrational thoughts when I am in such a bad mind state. Hence why I did so many dumb things. And currently it is summer and I am genuinely worried about my future. I know what field I want to work in, what degree I want, etc. But I feel hopeless as if it’s going to go wrong because of my grades from messing up so bad. And the thing I really came here for is what should I do now that I am a senior. At the moment I managed to sweat to my knees with playing video games all day. I took a shower and 10 minutes later I was the same as before I took it. Soaked in sweat. My health is bad and I don’t know what I should do for my future. And I don’t know what I should work on first, college planning or my health. What should I do?

@210030sa There is so much I want to say to you and wished someone had said them to me years ago. Try, try and try again!
My home environment instilled such fear of life, but 2 weeks after high school graduation I had a one way ticket from NY to Los Angeles to get away from abuse but more so to experience life, get a college education (a first in my family), travel. I wish I could go back in time to do more, experience more, have more people in my life, and find me (not what others think I should or shouldn't be), to know ME! It's your time of discovery and in trying many things you discover what you enjoy, what gives you fulfillment, and dare I say happiness for YOU.

I admit that I did let fear, my family, or society's expectations, or depression (any illness) keep me from experiences of youth that help one discover and determine who we are. Life is definitely a challenge but one worth seeking and encourage you to do so!

Liked by jodeej, mwsa1945

REPLY
@marjou

Sometimes I feel my accomplishments for any given day change. Like walking for 5 minutes in the house using Leslie Sansome's walking video on YouTube. She also has longer and shorter versions. Today my goal is to make my bed and clean, wash refrigerator. Not exciting but my accomplishment. So what's your accomplishment for today? Wishing you well.

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Good thinking and a very good start. I did the same and it does work.

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@marjou

Sometimes I feel my accomplishments for any given day change. Like walking for 5 minutes in the house using Leslie Sansome's walking video on YouTube. She also has longer and shorter versions. Today my goal is to make my bed and clean, wash refrigerator. Not exciting but my accomplishment. So what's your accomplishment for today? Wishing you well.

Jump to this post

What is a NeuroPsychiatrist and how do I find one in DesMoines,Ia.?

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@mariajean03

What is a NeuroPsychiatrist and how do I find one in DesMoines,Ia.?

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@mariajean03 Here's an page with an explanation of what a neuropsychiatrist does — When patients ask … what is neuropsychiatry?: https://neuro.psychiatryonline.org/doi/abs/10.1176/jnp.1.4.362?journalCode=jnp

Here is a site that lists Neuropsychiatrists in Des Moines, IA – https://trustoria.com/doctor/Neuropsychiatrist/Des-Moines-IA

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