What is the best thing to say?

That’s tough news to get. I understand why hearing the news everyday would bother him. He probably forgets he was told the day before.

I can just offer what I experienced with my cousin, who I cared for until her death. Initially, she seemed to understand, even when the neurologist diagnosed her with significant dementia, but she forgot. I decided to keep her as happy as possible, so I was positive when she worried or seemed upset over the way she was. I would say that she was behind on her nutrition and we were going to get that back on track and she’d get stronger…and, her medications needed adjusting. That would help get her feeling better. I told her that her memory was poor, but none of us have a perfect memory, nor bladder (she became incontinent). Not to be embarrassed. I said don’t worry, you are cared for and your family loves you. (I will say that with dementia, a lot of people fall away…no one offered to help me with her care. No one came to visit. Fortunately, she forgot about them early on.) So, try to get your own support system. Even after placement in Memory Care, the caregiving duties were enormous.

You can try various things and see what works best. Everyone is different.

My mother recently moved to a memory unit from an assistant living facility so they are apart now. Her memory loop is about 5 minutes. She has been very angry that we shoved her in there. She would constantly yell at all of us asking why we put her here. We told her that we told a hundred times and she said tell her another hundred times. We ended up printing out a note for her and laminating it. She carries it everywhere. It has made a major difference.

May I ask what you wrote on that card? Thanks.

Thank you. That's helpful for me.

@unclescotty Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! You also provided the others with a great tip to use if someone doesn’t hear you!

Mom,

We love you.

We are only acting out of love.

You have Alzheimer’s, a form of dementia.

Your short term memory is about 5 minutes.

You were not eating, drinking water or taking your medications downstairs.

You fell many times and had to go to the hospital.

We can no longer provide the level of care and attention that you require.

We moved you to the memory floor.

There are professionals and an increased staff here to help.

They will give you better care and attention than we can.

We feel that this was the best way for you to get better.

You can’t remember or understand how much help you actually need.

We know you don’t agree with this decision.

We discussed this with you before you were moved.

It was a very difficult and painful decision.

We are just as upset about this as you are.

Remember this.

You will always be loved!

That should be published; excellent!

My mother was moved to assisted living on Feb 1 of this year. At least 5 times a day she would call me and ask if she was living there permanently. Each time I would simply answer yes. Then after every 'yes', she would reply 'oh, I am not going back to blank-city? And I would reply, 'no'. Unfortunately this created a loop of grief and sadness for her since she was missing her home of 60 years. This past week I made some signs for her (at her request) and placed them in locations that I know she would see them. They simply say 'I am permanently living at the blah-blah community. My home in blank-city is now too big and unsafe for me.' Fortunately this worked, and I no longer get asked these difficult questions and she doesn't go into grief mode.

@unclescotty
Thank you so much for sharing this. I loved how loving your message is. Your action has given me inspiration in how to deal with the stage of dementia my husband is in--between this and that, wherever that is!? And also to use the written word vs just being verbal. Thanks a million.

That’s amazing that your loved ones are able to notice the writings, read them and understand what they have read! Wow,….the people I know who have had dementia couldn’t do that. They could read the words, but not incorporate what they mean.