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What is a diplomatic way of responding?
I'm a caregiver of an Alzheimer's spouse. As those who are in the same situation know, this involves everything from changing soiled diapers to paying bills. I'm looking for a diplomatic way to respond to a healthy friend who constantly mentions how much she has to do and how little her healthy husband does to help (from my observations, he does a lot). She is seemingly unaware of what being a caregiver involves.
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@marie I get it! Mom lived in assisted living nearby, and my sister and I were her main caregivers.
My brother couldn't understand why it could take 3-4 hours to prep my Mom's meds for a week (she was in assisted living and we were trying to avoid the $75/week charge for the task.) I asked him to take over the job, and while showing him how to do it he got to see her "help" by messing with the med packs, interrupt for several "While you are here could you please..." and wander down the hall without assistance or her walker - THEN he got it!
Another brother couldn't understand how hard it could be to take her shopping for a much needed winter coat - until we sent him and his daughter out with her to do it - THEN he got it!
Does your friend live nearby? Maybe you can ask her to spend a day or half day with you, where she can see exactly what your life is like now. Perhaps ask her over to help you with a small project like organizing your kitchen things (even just a few drawers or the spice cabinet) and let her observe the constant interactions required with your spouse, and how it eats your life.
Is this a possibility? If not instead of excusing yourself from her call while assisting your husband, maybe put her on speaker phone and let her hear a typical interaction?
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2 ReactionsImo, unless you live the life of a 24/7 caregiver for a person who has dementia, you can’t possibly understand. Sometimes, I would share my frustration, exhaustion, etc., with friends, but only those who live it can really understand. They could see how exhausted I looked. I’d get hugs and words of sympathy sometimes from people I didn’t confide in but they knew. Your friend may never have to deal with what you do.
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1 ReactionImo, unless you live the life of a 24/7 caregiver for a person who has dementia, you can’t possibly understand. Sometimes, I would share my frustration, exhaustion, etc., with friends, but only those who live it can really understand. They could see how exhausted I looked. I’d get hugs and words of sympathy sometimes from people I didn’t confide in but they knew. Your friend may never have to deal with what you do.
Oh, I just recalled something I used to use as an analogy…..I felt spread very thin as a caregiver. Imagine you are a doctor….so, you go to work one day and must take your child with you to the office. When you arrive you discover patients lined up to be seen, but there is no staff, so you must register patients, answer the phone, see patients, take vitals, and then the toilet breaks….so you must clean rest rooms too while you change your kid’s diapers, make bottles, do the books, pay bills, and clean the building. It’s too much to do all those things, but most family member caregivers do it. We got outside help to come in. I hope you have that.
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1 Reaction@sueinmn Thank you. Excellent suggestions.