Caring for my husband with late-stage lung cancer

Posted by turtle115 @turtle115, Wed, Mar 25 11:14am

My first time here. My husband has lung cancer that has spread to liver, stomach and pelvis. Originally showed spot on lungs and liver August 2019. He is now 78 and has been a stroke survivor for 20 years…aphasia, walked with cane, no use of right arm. We decided not to proceed with cancer Treatments. But after Christmas things took a turn for the worse….he can stand but Can only move a little to the wheelchair bed or chair. We had CT in January which showed lung cancer, liver, stomach and pelvis. He is DNR so we wait. He is home and Hospice comes here twice a week. He has had a sore on his chin for over a month and recently, about the size of a dime, on the back of his head. He is not a complainer….. he is coughing up thick, white phlegm a lot now. He also has many tumors on his back…more every day, not open soreS but I see And feel them and some getting larger. Any one have thoughts that the sore on his head and face that maybe it has spread to the brain? How long can one survive like this? He is ready mentally and spiritually to leave this earth…..it is the waiting and watching him lose weight that is so hard. Any thoughts, help or prayers will be appreciated.

@gingerw

@turtle115 My heart aches for you, and for your husband. Is there any music that would comfort you both, or recitations that may ease you? Are you able to do Facetime or Skype type family gathering? We are here for you.
Ginger

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Yes….so glad for FaceTime……andrew enjoys seeing the children every day.

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In reply to @turtle115 "Sleep....lol" + (show)
@turtle115

Sleep….lol

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I'm sure you do need sleep, @turtle115. Is there anyone you can hire to stay with Andrew for the night so that you could sleep through the night?

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@hopeful33250

I'm sure you do need sleep, @turtle115. Is there anyone you can hire to stay with Andrew for the night so that you could sleep through the night?

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As tired as I am I know myself and I wouldn't sleep well not being here. I know, the caretaker has to take care of herself. But I have to do what I have to do. Thanks for the suggestion.

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@turtle115

As tired as I am I know myself and I wouldn't sleep well not being here. I know, the caretaker has to take care of herself. But I have to do what I have to do. Thanks for the suggestion.

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@turtle115– I agree, you have to do what you have to do. I think that we are just hoping to protect you from becoming ill. I hope that you slept some last night.

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@turtle115

As tired as I am I know myself and I wouldn't sleep well not being here. I know, the caretaker has to take care of herself. But I have to do what I have to do. Thanks for the suggestion.

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You are right, @turtle115, I am concerned for your well being. It would be sad if you were to become ill in this process of his transitioning from this life to the next.

Having said that, however, it is important at this time in Andrew's life to be true to yourself and to the relationship you have built with your dear husband. You must carry on in the way that gives you the most peace.

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@turtle115– Hi. How was your night? I know that this is not the right time to ask how you are but is there anything that you need that Connect can help with? Any information that you need or a confusion?

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@merpreb

@turtle115– Hi. How was your night? I know that this is not the right time to ask how you are but is there anything that you need that Connect can help with? Any information that you need or a confusion?

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No, I am fine. Just never thought dying would take so long. Now that we are confined because of the virus it seem I just sit here watching……at times I think the way he is looking, acting, reaching And Breathing I am sure he will pass. But this has been days and it is exhausting for both of us. I go through moments of tears…..other than morphine, pain pill, and something for agitation he has only had sips of water and applesauce. He doesn't want anything and I am told this is normal. I think I mentioned we live in an assisted living and I finally have them changing him……he was able to use the urinal up until three days ago….now I just sit, watch and pray.

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@turtle115

No, I am fine. Just never thought dying would take so long. Now that we are confined because of the virus it seem I just sit here watching……at times I think the way he is looking, acting, reaching And Breathing I am sure he will pass. But this has been days and it is exhausting for both of us. I go through moments of tears…..other than morphine, pain pill, and something for agitation he has only had sips of water and applesauce. He doesn't want anything and I am told this is normal. I think I mentioned we live in an assisted living and I finally have them changing him……he was able to use the urinal up until three days ago….now I just sit, watch and pray.

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@turtle115 I was just thinking about you today and wondering how you both are . It sounds like it wont be much longer then you both will be at peace . Do you have other people there to talk to in the assistant living place? Can you leave and get a cup of tea ? I know you dont want to leave him but it would be good for you to see some other scenery . May God hold you both in his arms Thoughts and prayers for you both

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@turtle115

No, I am fine. Just never thought dying would take so long. Now that we are confined because of the virus it seem I just sit here watching……at times I think the way he is looking, acting, reaching And Breathing I am sure he will pass. But this has been days and it is exhausting for both of us. I go through moments of tears…..other than morphine, pain pill, and something for agitation he has only had sips of water and applesauce. He doesn't want anything and I am told this is normal. I think I mentioned we live in an assisted living and I finally have them changing him……he was able to use the urinal up until three days ago….now I just sit, watch and pray.

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@turtle115– As I watched my mother die I learned that death wasn't an event but a process. It can take a while for a body to slowly shut down. This is also a time for you to prepare for your inevitable loss. I know that you have been mourning him but now it's different. Here are some signs that might help you
https://www.crossroadshospice.com/hospice-caregiver-support/end-of-life-signs/
I found it a time that I faced my fears of dying. It didn't resolve until much later, but for me, it was a bit of a break-through. I spent the time sitting on my mom's bed and holding her hand. I talked to her and told her things that I probably never would have if she were cognizant. We had a rocky road together as mother and daughter. I made sure that her lips were moistened and I used a spongie type thing to keep her mouth a bit moist. I wanted to keep her comfortable and know that she was loved and well taken care of.
My moods were all over the place too and I just went with it.
It's exhausting and sad and also very special. I have found it an honor to be with someone when they die.

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@merpreb

@turtle115– As I watched my mother die I learned that death wasn't an event but a process. It can take a while for a body to slowly shut down. This is also a time for you to prepare for your inevitable loss. I know that you have been mourning him but now it's different. Here are some signs that might help you
https://www.crossroadshospice.com/hospice-caregiver-support/end-of-life-signs/
I found it a time that I faced my fears of dying. It didn't resolve until much later, but for me, it was a bit of a break-through. I spent the time sitting on my mom's bed and holding her hand. I talked to her and told her things that I probably never would have if she were cognizant. We had a rocky road together as mother and daughter. I made sure that her lips were moistened and I used a spongie type thing to keep her mouth a bit moist. I wanted to keep her comfortable and know that she was loved and well taken care of.
My moods were all over the place too and I just went with it.
It's exhausting and sad and also very special. I have found it an honor to be with someone when they die.

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@merpreb The transitional time of a person is indeed a period where those who caregive are so needed. As a family member, be it spouse or child, it is an honor to assist that person, even if they may not appear to be aware. Hearing is the last sense to quiet, so comforting words or music often quiets the stress. I know for both of my parents, they each waited until I wasn't looking [literally] before they took their last earthly breath.
We each have a wide spectrum of moods and emotions as we go through this, just like the patient does. And conversations can run the gamut.
@turtle115 My wish is for peace for both of you.
Ginger

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@merpreb

@turtle115– As I watched my mother die I learned that death wasn't an event but a process. It can take a while for a body to slowly shut down. This is also a time for you to prepare for your inevitable loss. I know that you have been mourning him but now it's different. Here are some signs that might help you
https://www.crossroadshospice.com/hospice-caregiver-support/end-of-life-signs/
I found it a time that I faced my fears of dying. It didn't resolve until much later, but for me, it was a bit of a break-through. I spent the time sitting on my mom's bed and holding her hand. I talked to her and told her things that I probably never would have if she were cognizant. We had a rocky road together as mother and daughter. I made sure that her lips were moistened and I used a spongie type thing to keep her mouth a bit moist. I wanted to keep her comfortable and know that she was loved and well taken care of.
My moods were all over the place too and I just went with it.
It's exhausting and sad and also very special. I have found it an honor to be with someone when they die.

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@turtle115 What merpreb said is true I was with my husband when he died and passed over to the other side It was an honor to be there with him . My Mother died during the night I got the call about 5 a.m. but I think she knew the time was coming . The night before she pulled me toward her like in a rush and gave me a kiss. You may find this with your husband or similar . The after my husband I was always seeing hawks everywhere and deer . His Mother planted flowers on our bank they all never grew but that spring they all grew it was like a flower rug on the ground there . Take notice or things your husband liked . Stay strong now and when he is gone . We are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers . Post when you can

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@merpreb

@turtle115– As I watched my mother die I learned that death wasn't an event but a process. It can take a while for a body to slowly shut down. This is also a time for you to prepare for your inevitable loss. I know that you have been mourning him but now it's different. Here are some signs that might help you
https://www.crossroadshospice.com/hospice-caregiver-support/end-of-life-signs/
I found it a time that I faced my fears of dying. It didn't resolve until much later, but for me, it was a bit of a break-through. I spent the time sitting on my mom's bed and holding her hand. I talked to her and told her things that I probably never would have if she were cognizant. We had a rocky road together as mother and daughter. I made sure that her lips were moistened and I used a spongie type thing to keep her mouth a bit moist. I wanted to keep her comfortable and know that she was loved and well taken care of.
My moods were all over the place too and I just went with it.
It's exhausting and sad and also very special. I have found it an honor to be with someone when they die.

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I am so glad I was with my husband when he passed Feb 8. He was in a care center and I spent the last two days with him. It would have been so much harder to get that call in the night. They helped keep him so comfortable and although he was very quiet, I know know he knew I was there. He is at peace and no longer in pain.

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@rmftucker– Hello. I think that being with someone as they pass allows us to say a final goodby. I missed being with my dad as he died in his car in the driveway. I think that our feelings are more profound and we bond even closer with that person. I'm glad that you can look back and feel the way you do. It's comforting to know this. Thank you.

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@gingerw

@merpreb The transitional time of a person is indeed a period where those who caregive are so needed. As a family member, be it spouse or child, it is an honor to assist that person, even if they may not appear to be aware. Hearing is the last sense to quiet, so comforting words or music often quiets the stress. I know for both of my parents, they each waited until I wasn't looking [literally] before they took their last earthly breath.
We each have a wide spectrum of moods and emotions as we go through this, just like the patient does. And conversations can run the gamut.
@turtle115 My wish is for peace for both of you.
Ginger

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Thanks for the support from everyone. Andrew passed away this evening…..peacefully…. we had a couple bad days….but glad to know there is no more pain and suffering. So thankful for the 56 years we did have. May he soul Rest In Peace.

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@turtle115

Thanks for the support from everyone. Andrew passed away this evening…..peacefully…. we had a couple bad days….but glad to know there is no more pain and suffering. So thankful for the 56 years we did have. May he soul Rest In Peace.

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@turtle115 Im so sorry to hear this but he is at peace now . You had a long marriage with lots of memories rely on the good ones . At first this memory will be all consuming but you will get through it with our Lord,s help if you believe . This is what we are promised no more pain and suffering . We are here for you when you want to talk be safe and be kind now to yourself.

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