Toxic adult children

What a frustrating and painful situation you’re in and my heart goes out to you, it’s all true what you say because you’re looking at the situation more objectively however, this is not the case with your poor husband. I understand that you want to protect him from manipulation at the hands of his own children, this is truly a tough spot to be in because of the risk involved, I hope that you won’t let it destroy your relationship with him because you’ll both lose. I feel that therapy could be helpful for both of you, it will allow you to get your feelings out and he may want to do so, this will help to strengthen your relationship and deal with the family situation together, best wishes on your journey to happiness.

We were in therapy when we had similar issues years ago with daughter who’s out of state and I’ve already pulled up same therapist’s name to see if he’s still in business as we last saw him before Covid. I do worry about our relationship but we’re in our 70’s and we still love each other and I don’t want him to feel he has to choose between me or his 50+ son and daughter.., yet we both have a great relationship with my daughter and her hubby who are out of state so on some level he can compare a mutual loving connection vs dysfunctional connections. It’s hard for me to pretend everything is ok as I’m the energy and emotions in this marriage yet I see how the latest issue w son is affecting both of us. Yes therapy is next at least for me and for 39 years the times we’ve been in therapy have been caused by his kids. Thx again.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve always had a good relationship with all my kids until my eldest daughter decided to blow me off by not coming to an important dinner I arranged for her family to meet her sister’s fiancé and see her other siblings she hadn’t visited with for a few years. She never said she wasn’t coming or even let me know the day of the dinner. She just never showed up. I’m 77 and this took place the evening before another daughter’s wedding. I had spent hours cooking and baking etc. I, like you, was devastated. I wasn’t even angry just heartbroken and suffering terrible pain and grief. That was 6 months ago and she still hasn’t apologized or reached out to talk to me about it. I’m left racking my brain to figure out what I did. There is lots of back story but we always have had a good relationship. I can only pray for help, pray for her, and stay in therapy. I never thought this would happen. I get along great with my other 4 children. Thank goodness I have an excellent relationship with her kids and they keep in touch and let me know that they love me. She has always been my most difficult child and I have put up with her disrespect and thoughtless behavior in the past, making excuses for her. Maybe that was my mistake. I can tell you that it gets better. I’ve gained perspective and grown in wisdom from this experience. I know that our life on earth doesn’t end at death. We have an eternity to see things change. This is only a small moment in time. My best wishes to you and for your recovery.

i truly believe that we may not ever understand the behavior of our adult children and if they're not willing to rectify the disconnect, there's little we can do besides constantly questioning ourselves, what we did, or even assigning blame to them but it takes both of you wanting to reconnect or re-evaluate the situation. for me, at 78 with many post covid long haul symptoms that have affected me emotionally and physically, i've got to take care of me; keep my marriage in tact, and seek the help of a therapist to help me understand my part in the disconnect or to eventually let go. the older i've gotten the more wise i've become and hear about so many family disconnects...we are not alone tho we may feel alone very often.

I totally understand what you’re going through recovering from post covid symptoms and long haul covid. It’s extremely hard at our age. I hate thinking about it impacts the last part of my life. I hope you have full recovery and relief.

Thx for your kind reply. Long covid for nearly 5 yrs has been so life-changing with little help from doctors and then combine adult step-children issues makes my life almost in overwhelm; however, I’ve dealt with adult step- daughter years ago and thankfully our therapist is still in practice and I have a FaceTime session Monday. Hubby is going to find a therapist as he is in denial of both his adult children’s issues so I’m set up to be the bad guy for expressing my perception which is too painful for hubby to deal with so I must work on my part in this as hubby probably won’t change his behavior at age 77 and he avoids conflict and confrontation…. But he’s a wonderful caring supportive hubby as we deal with my long haul issues.