Toxic adult children

Family estrangements involving adult children refusing contact with parents and siblings, is more common than most realize. Many families do not speak of it due to shame.
Deep rooted resentments and anger stemming from childhood erupt. As the adult children marry and begin their own families, it seems to trigger hate and rage of their memory of events (accurate or not). Holidays are no longer gatherings- but obvious separations. Precious years are lost due to this toxic impasse.
Grandparents and grandchildren miss the opportunity to bond or even get to know one another.
While this dynamic occasionally gets better. More often, there is no desire for reconciliation by the adult child who is convinced they are justified.
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I’m very sorry to read this but you have to try to find your inner self and stay strong, you have a good husband who loves you and is also being hurt by your son. I believe that it’s the world we live in and so many things are happening, some of them are frightening and young people are very affected as well. I know you are hurting badly but it’s important that you protect yourself and your husband from letting this destroy your lives…I truly know how you feel because I went through similar situations and I thought I would die from the pain but I didn’t, if you can contact your son let him know that you are there for him and you love him, perhaps eventually he will come back and you can talk about what happened and how you can help him to work through this without running away from it, I’m sure he is scared and uncertain about what he is doing so it’s important that he knows that you’re there for him. I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out for you.

I know it hurts really bad. You are not alone. Something similar happened to me with close extended family I thought I had great relationships with. The worst part is that there are no good reasons at all for them to do that. I can take a guess why they did but even if I'm right there would be absolutely no reason for them to do so. I treated them so well all the previous years, I was always "there for them" and gave up lots of my valuable free time to spend with them.

That was very painful but I realized that their behavior shows who they are. Unless they apologize to me I don't care about them at all now. The saying "You choose your friends, not your family." or something like that, is timeless and true.

having gone through similar rejection from sons i want to let you know that in my case it did not last forever. aybe it is luck that it turned itself around. a therapist told me that allowing my son to be angry with me was a good thing for him, i guess. and like in the movie beaches, i tell him that i know he loves me. it's his inner battle. it happens to many people. try something new, surprise everyone, maybe even yourself! in y case i threw myself into getting a bfa at 62 years young. good luck, than you for sharing with us.

I want to add that when this happened to me I looked into the subject and was surprised to learn that about 25% of people are estranged from at least one family member at some point. Many of those people reconnect though. So there is definitely hope.

When I thought about people I knew, it was also surprising that a fair percentage do not speak with others members of their family. The reasons vary from childish reasons, jealousy, real or perceived abuse, to alcoholism.

In my case one family relationship is irreparable because what they did "went to the heart" and had no value other than try to hurt me. I also realized that this was so good for me as it allowed me to never have to spend (waste) time with them and never take on any of their influence, which would not be good for me.

Hi,
What a sad situation you have! That is too bad. My son hasn't spoken to me in 27 years and I'm not sure why. It seems to be a trend in today's world. My husband recently died of lung cancer and none of his 3 kids would come to see him or even call. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband. He seems very caring. Concentrate on him and forget your ungrateful children. Also put all your feelings and hurt in God's hands. Just talk to God like he's your best friend and he is! You don't have to go to church to find God; although that's a nice thing to do. But he's right there anytime you ask. God will get you through this difficult time.

I'll say a prayer for you also.
PML

Thank you! I recently have gone back to church and it's helping so much. Being in the presence of God gives me peace and comfort.

I really feel what you feel. My oldest son was raised by his grandparents, and raised them to dislike me. My wife forced us to live with them, because she felt insecure without them. My other three children were not, they allowed them to stay with us at times, the reason being fairly credible, partly because both my wife and I worked.

My youngest son committed suicide and my youngest daughter was od’d by phenyanyl out of jealousy, they both used.

My oldest son has begged me to come to live with us , going through a divorce, and he looked appreciative, but now he has stopped talking to me, and shows signs of an outdated oedipus complex, hating me if she shows more feelings to me then him.

I am 80 years old, my wife 71, and she is trying to manipulate us within the context of this situation.

At one time I told my son I do love him, but really don’t like him.

I have partially taken care of his four grandchildren, and we get along, and they are on to collage next year, hoping they will be ok in spite of all this upheaval.

I try to stop this silent treatment, by being the first to come from a ‘higher ground’, and he does react minimally at first, but after a very short time he clams up again.

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear of your sad situation! That is very sad that your children died. But they are up in Heaven now with God and Jesus and you will be reunited with them eventually. It's not easy when you lose loved ones. That is also sad about how your oldest son treats you.

I haven't seen my son in 27 years. I'm not really sure why. I gave him back to God and told God to straighten him out since he made him. I do look my son up on Twitter or X just to see if he's dead or alive. This is a different world than it used to be. Children often don't act right.

It's nice that you still have contact with your grandchildren.

What I found works best for me is to pray and pray a lot. I just talk to God like he's my best friend and he is! My husband died of lung cancer in July. He was 83. I'm 78. I know he's up in Heaven and we'll be together eventually. However, I ask God daily to help me get through life and the loneliness. God has really helped me a lot and has answered a lot of prayers.

Ignore your son's impolite actions. If he's nice, then be nice back. But otherwise just act like you don't hear him if that's possible. Doesn't your son realize that the two of you won't be here forever? Someday he will be all alone and will feel awful for not treating the two of you better.
You and your wife should just enjoy this time of life and each other. It's too short not to. Ask God for help. He's always there for us.
I'll say a prayer for you also.
PML

My children didn't die