To Visit or Not To Visit?

Very tough! I don't envy you.

Here's my question:
How guilty will you feel after she's gone and you didn't visit?

My instinct says to visit. But you know best.

@scottrl I don't want to not visit. I just need some suggestions on helping her the day after I visit. And yes, it is tough.

Hello:
My Mom was in a memory care facility during COVID lockdown, so we could not visit.
The staff helped us do virtual calls so Mom could see and hear us through their Facebook page video messaging.
Do you think if your Mom sees you when you're not there, that this may help a bit?
Hopefully technology can come to your rescue.
By the way, these calls did not usually go well because my Mom was so confused, but I felt better just seeing her and hearing her voice.
All the best. 🪻

Great idea. Yes, in the past, seeing me helped. When my photo popped up on the staff's phone, she thought it was me "live" which actually helped. I'll suggest facetime.

Our calls don't go great either, she is so confused but overall, it helps.

Thanks a ton for the suggestion.

If there is nothing you can do that's right, then anything you do is right.

@shmerdloff Now that's a great way to view things! Love it.

Dear @tracidw

I took a look at your other posts and it I was sorry to see the fast steep decline in your mother's capabilities. On top of that is the fact that she has LBD. From what I have gleaned from the experience of others in my local support group, that is a form of dementia which brings major mood swings and sadness.

If I am right in understanding that she has not been in the memory care facility for very long, you have that factor complicating her mood too.

I'll go out on a limb to actually offer advice since you asked for some. There was a stage of Alzheimer's in which it became clear to me that if I left my husband to his own thoughts it was cruel because those thoughts were confused and therefore anxiety-producing. I also firmly believe that expressions of love and connection with people who genuinely care for them is the most nourishing and helpful thing that we can offer our loved ones. So. It seems to me that you should:
1. Do what your heart seems to be telling you, which is to be with her when you can. Just holding your hand and hearing your voice present must trigger some positive impressions in her.
2. Extend your presence with the video visits that Judi suggested.
3. Don't let her post-visit distress guide what you do. It takes months for people to settle into a memory care setting. One thing that helped when my husband was in a memory care unit for a few months was Music. It provides an alternative to the jumble of anxious thoughts in their heads. In my case, because we have Prime, I bought the cheapest Echo speaker ( a little ball-shaped one) and posted a one page sign listing our Pandora stations that he liked by category -- lively stations for times when her spirit needs the boost, soothing sleep supportive music, gentle but familiar anytime stations. That one page also had the very simple instructions for the staff of what to say to the speaker to have it play those stations. I also bought one of those Joy for All companion pet cats ( electronic cat) which gave him another thing to focus on. It cane left on and when it senses presence, the cat mews, sighs, raises its paw as if to lick it and rolls on its back. Very engaging.
4. Discuss anti-anxiety meds (or increased dosage of them if already used) with her doctor.

I hope something in that list is helpful.
Wishing you both the best.

@memoriestomoments Thank you., I appreciate the suggestions. My heart is to visit as much as possible. I won't let the post-visit distress guide me, that's helpful.

I've tried music but her attention span is about 30 seconds. She usually can't comprehend it any more. She has a baby doll that seems to give her comfort.

Once again, thanks for the input. I'm always open to ideas.

Hi Traci,
I'm so sorry your Mom is having such problems! That must be very hard for her and for you. I think it is good that you are visiting your Mom even though there are some negative reactions afterwards. Your Mom needs to know that you are there for her. I'm certain she must be very frightened. Things aren't right with her mind or her body and she's in a strange place. It isn't home. It's different and as we age we don't like change. I'm 79 and I hate change. Having you visit her is something that is normal for her. It probably makes her feel safer.

My Mom was very ill with Pulmonary Emphysema towards the end of her life. I visited her everday in the hospital. She said it meant so much to her that I came everyday. She died in 1991. I still miss her. But I know she's up in Heaven and we'll be together again one day in God's time.

So, visit your Mom as often as you can. One of these days you won't be able to. Prayer helps too. Just ask God to help you and your Mom get through this difficult ordeal. I'll say a prayer for both of you also.

I wish you the best.
PML

@pml
Wise words.