Time for Memory Care

@cmk1952

I could have written your comment; my heart is breaking!
My husband and I have always been so devoted to each other. But he has become so difficult for me to handle in the late afternoons and nights.
No one should ever have to make that horrible decision to put a loved one in memory care, especially a spouse.

I haven't reached this point with my husband yet but did have to do for my parents what your daughter has done for you. I'm so glad you have her support.

I knew our decision was right when he didn't realize the other residents were impaired. There were some tough visits at first but he quickly settled in and I enjoyed our visits.

I'm praying for you and your family. I hope you will be able to rest knowing your husband is in good hands.

@jehjeh

Speaking of tough visits.
Another worrisome concern for me are the visits.
Do I wait a few days to let him adjust a little before I visit the first time?
The facility does not really have any answers. They say it’s up to the families to decide when and how often they visit.
I know he’s going to be angry and will want to go home with me.

We visited on day 2 and brought a few items from home. This gave us some conversation starters. We were able to walk outside for a bit and got him settled in for lunch before we left.

At one visit we found he had packed everything in his bedspread and wanted to go home. We were lucky that my husband joined me and mom for first few weeks and shaved my dad. It was a soothing distraction for him and gave me time to put things away. Between me, mom and siblings saw him at least 3 times a week. We sent cards and photos so he would get mail. We stopped letting him call mom because it was too upsetting for her and affected her health. One sister and I took calls if he needed to call. Assurances that he would see us the next days always calmed him.

Around month 2 or 3 he began to think of it as home and visits were easy. I would often bring a lunch and eat/share with him.

I posted about my experience with my dad. That doesn't mean I'm looking forward to making the decision for my husband. I'm right where you are with the fear and trepidation. I have no children to help so it's been easier to put it off.

One thing that helped was that we gave his doctor a heads up about moving my dad. When his appointment came due the Dr. addressed his confusion (( my dad was aware that something was wrong. Said his brains were like scrambled eggs). Dr. mentioned going to a place where they specialize in this. I told him the name of the place we had chosen and he agreed that they were very good. This allowed us to reassure my dad that this was short term. Just until he got better. The lies helped reassure him.

I have given the doctor a heads up and the plan is to discuss memory care at our next visit in two weeks. I have been researching some in home respite care. Has anyone had any experience with Visiting Angels or Family services or Elder Network? I am not worried about the cost, but not sure how he would react to having a stranger come to our home. At the same time, I just want to be able to be free to do things around my house without being called to sit by him - he is becoming very insecure. He is constantly asking him if I love him - I am very worried about his reaction if I take him to memory care. How can I do that without him thinking I am abandoning him? Every day his dementia seems a bit worse and he is worried every day about not taking care of things from his business life. Paying his employees and getting things done for his customers or paying the invoices. I really think his worries are making him decline faster. Just wish someone would tell me what to do and take it out of my hands. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Tomorrow 2 people from a memory care facility are coming to evaluate my husband. I'm heartbroken at the thought of putting him into memory care. He's 74, sweet, congenial and an outside guy. He walks around town, but needs help putting on a shirt and eating with utensils. He scored a 4 on his latest SLUM test. But I feel like a Benedict Arnold. I feel guilty that I'm not a better and more patient caregiver. I'm so sad I can't stop crying. Part of me just wants to get it done so I can stop suffering with the decision.

Please share how the evaluation is given. I will be facing this decision soon enough. Patience isn't one of my virtues, and I often feel lacking in this caretaker role. We've moved to a lovely one level home near one of our daughters, so I know his environment is a pleasant one. My concern is his lack of daily activity or stimulation, but anything I offer is turned down. Keep in mind, he no longer recognizes me as his wife; and I'm the only one here to push back. He was never a social person; always preferred to be working on projects rather than interacting with people. He is unable to do projects now. He lives in a state of confusion and befuddlement. So sad when I think that he designed airports, libraries, and embassies and now a kids' puzzle is too frustrating. Guilt is debilitating and I try to avoid it, but it pops up way too often.

@billiekip You mentioned your husband’s lack of activity and stimulation. Are there any senior centers or libraries in your town? Our town has many programs for seniors, including day trips and talks on current topics. It’s well worth looking into.