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This is a tough one

Posted by marygmary @marygmary, Feb 13 7:28pm

I tried to post this yesterday but I haven't seen it posted so forgive me if it's on here twice. My husband of 45 plus years has dementia. I believe he is in the middle stages. He was a top level executive for 40 years. I handled the children, all the household issues and worked part time and then fulltime. He worked on advancing his career and often was not around. His career took precedence over everything in his world and he was very successful. A few months ago we were cleaning out his office, as he has had to step down, and I found evidence of his infidelity in one of his desk drawers . It is indesputable. I grabbed the items and shoved them into my purse. When we got home I buried them in the trash.

I suspected this several years ago but he denied it and I had no proof. I stayed. Now I am dealing with tremendous resentment as he is home 24/7, very clingy, shadows me, is constantly telling me he loves me, staring at me, caressing me and always in my space. He is confused most of the time. I no longer have feelings for him as he was never there when I needed him and now I have the proof of his infidelity. I feel that at this point I have to endure and care for him. I cannot talk to our children about this and I am not comfortable speaking to my friends. I am miserable. I have no feelings for him anymore. I do not know how to cope with this. I am just wondering if anyone else is in this position of caring for someone who was not there for them and they no longer have feelings for.

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kjc48 | @kjc48 | Feb 15 11:47am

@marygmary ...... In response to "this is a tough one" - it's only natural to be resentful to someone you loved, and are now having to take care of, especially, after all these years you learned of his infidelity and the fact that he lied about it. I debated on whether to send this is a private note, because it is personal, but I think what you are describing many of us have been and/or are going through. So I'm posting it in the open forum. I'm taking care of my husband as well, his kids aren't involved and don't want to be, years ago, I had a similar situation with the infidelity years back. In fact, there were probably multiples, something I'm not proud to write or say. Without walking in on him, I caught him, I even talked with the person he was involved with, yet he still lied. Although he did apologize. I don't bring it up anymore to him, because it really doesn't matter. I somehow, got through the heart, the pain of infidelity, the realization, that I wanted my marriage to work even if he wasn't capable of telling the truth. Situational work affairs do happen, and this was the case. The lying was even harder for me than the infidelity although I realize now, that my husband just can't admit when he's done something wrong. I did sit with a therapist for a few years, where I gathered the infidelity and some other painful things, and she helped me sort through that. Especially, the issues with my son who had a drinking problem. At that point, it's easier said than done, but I'm not resentful with my husband anymore and I did learn how to handle my son differently. With my husband's MCI, and his potential progression, I don't expect that he will ever give me the respect to admit what he did. I'm sorry you had to find out about the infidelity the way you did. I remember the way I found out. You will find that over time, you'll tuck that away, and realize that it doesn't matter now, in the overall grand scheme of what you're having to go through as his caregiver. Even if you weren't with your husband, you'd still have to live and deal with the hurtful fact. Find it in your heart to care for him, and in doing so, make sure you care for yourself. As for no longer having feelings for your husband. That may just be a knee-jerk reaction to the hurt of finding out what you did. Please know I'm not downplaying your feelings because they are real, and they are your feelings. Seek out some professional help. I also read a few books, on affairs, but I found that those didn't make me feel any better. Especially because he would never admit it, and I was left with that "elephant" in the room. I love the other responses on this site on your post. Sage advice, just to try to move on with what you know but not have it alter what you do and how you think in your care for your husband. Just try to love him and the time we, as caregivers, have with the loved ones we are caring for. Thank you for your post. It's cathartic to be able to talk about this openly and honestly.

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marygmary | @marygmary | Feb 21 8:45pm
In reply to @kjc48 "@marygmary ...... In response to "this is a tough one" - it's only natural to be..." + (show)
Profile picture for kjc48 @kjc48

@marygmary ...... In response to "this is a tough one" - it's only natural to be resentful to someone you loved, and are now having to take care of, especially, after all these years you learned of his infidelity and the fact that he lied about it. I debated on whether to send this is a private note, because it is personal, but I think what you are describing many of us have been and/or are going through. So I'm posting it in the open forum. I'm taking care of my husband as well, his kids aren't involved and don't want to be, years ago, I had a similar situation with the infidelity years back. In fact, there were probably multiples, something I'm not proud to write or say. Without walking in on him, I caught him, I even talked with the person he was involved with, yet he still lied. Although he did apologize. I don't bring it up anymore to him, because it really doesn't matter. I somehow, got through the heart, the pain of infidelity, the realization, that I wanted my marriage to work even if he wasn't capable of telling the truth. Situational work affairs do happen, and this was the case. The lying was even harder for me than the infidelity although I realize now, that my husband just can't admit when he's done something wrong. I did sit with a therapist for a few years, where I gathered the infidelity and some other painful things, and she helped me sort through that. Especially, the issues with my son who had a drinking problem. At that point, it's easier said than done, but I'm not resentful with my husband anymore and I did learn how to handle my son differently. With my husband's MCI, and his potential progression, I don't expect that he will ever give me the respect to admit what he did. I'm sorry you had to find out about the infidelity the way you did. I remember the way I found out. You will find that over time, you'll tuck that away, and realize that it doesn't matter now, in the overall grand scheme of what you're having to go through as his caregiver. Even if you weren't with your husband, you'd still have to live and deal with the hurtful fact. Find it in your heart to care for him, and in doing so, make sure you care for yourself. As for no longer having feelings for your husband. That may just be a knee-jerk reaction to the hurt of finding out what you did. Please know I'm not downplaying your feelings because they are real, and they are your feelings. Seek out some professional help. I also read a few books, on affairs, but I found that those didn't make me feel any better. Especially because he would never admit it, and I was left with that "elephant" in the room. I love the other responses on this site on your post. Sage advice, just to try to move on with what you know but not have it alter what you do and how you think in your care for your husband. Just try to love him and the time we, as caregivers, have with the loved ones we are caring for. Thank you for your post. It's cathartic to be able to talk about this openly and honestly.

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@kjc48 Thank you for your heartfelt reply and I am sorry that you also had to go through this and more than once. I agree that there is nothing to be done now but move forward. I have committed to taking care of him and I am working on taking care of myself. As we all know in this situation with our loved ones, that is often very difficult.

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