This is a tough one

@marygmary O,O,O, I’m so sorry for what is happening to you. Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I think you will find that this is the best place for you. This is a wonderful group who will care for you. They will probably jump in tomorrow. Just know that someone is here at all hours and will probably read and answer what you written, but I’d rather you were sleeping. That’s what I should be doing! Becly

Mary,
I'm so sorry you are in this horrible situation. And your poor husband having dementia! That's awful for both of you! It's sad that he was unfaithful but sometimes we do stupid things in our life. I know I have! That is in the past. Forget the past and try and help your husband now when he needs you. He obviously is very frightened because he isn't the person he used to be. It sounds like he was a very successful person and now to be denegrated to having dementia must be awful for him. Perhaps you don't feel love for him now but do have compassion for him. It does sound like he still loves you and that's good. I'm sure there must have been some good times together for the two of you. Remember those and be grateful for them. There may come a time when your husband is no longer in your life. You will be very lonely then. I know because my husband died of lung cancer in 2024. So enjoy the time you now have together and help your husband as much as you can.

Also give your all of your problems up to God. Just talk to him like he's your best friend and he is. God is always there for us. I'll say a prayer for you too.

Mary, you will get through this difficult time and things will turn out good. You sound like a very nice person.
I wish you the best.
PML

@marygmary: I feel your pain. Life has its surprises… good, bad & ugly! You deserved a better partner in life that you could thoroughly trust with your love. I am sorry that you found those old remnants of his indiscretion, particularly now! Grieve… release your anger and disappointment… THEN put on your big girl pants and get to living the best you can everyday. That is your reality… I believe your love for your husband hasn’t gone away (it is hurting) and when you realize your choices are few, your love and compassion will bring you to see reality. You decide.
Your husband has a disease that does not get better. He needs you for you have always been his lifeline… his anchor. You are his caretaker. The Calvary is not coming… you are the one who will struggle through and manage life for the two of you. I wish I could tell you a solution less hurtful, but he didn’t plan to have dementia - his disease is not his fault. He needs you to make best decisions for him. You are his caretaker.
Mary, your life has had many challenges which has made you stronger. Be realistic. You decide how you will go forward in this life. You are not alone. We are here and will help you through. You decide!

What an awful situation. Do you feel like putting him in a nice local facility is an option? He spent all those years focused on making money, so maybe the money can take care of him? It's possible he would come to enjoy the activities and social interactions of such an environment. You could look into it and see if it feels right for you.

@val64 at this point he’s not at that stage yet so I would never be able to get him. When the time comes, I will absolutely consider it.

I can't imagine what you are going through. Caring for my DH with dementia was the most difficult thing i have ever done. I think getting past infidelity in the midst of it would be unbearable.

It sounds like you haven't found anyone to share this with and that worries me. Carrying all that pain, anger... so many emotions... alone is not good for you. And you do need to think about you or you won't survive this caregiving journey.

Can you find a therapist you can talk to? It will be well worth it so you aren't carrying this burden alone.
Advice to just move on and think of him, while well meaning, is not helpful. Holding all of this is in is not healthy. It can come out in very negative ways, affecting your mental and physical health.

I pray you will find support through all of this.

To Mary,
I also am very concerned about you carrying all that anger and sadness . You have every right to your feelings. What you do with them, I think, will determine your mental health going forward. Your story struck a nerve with me. I too was crushed by finding out that my husband was unfaithful. In my case he left me to go be unfaithful with an old high school friend. He wanted to come back after three months. He found out that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence. In our case I believe that he was experiencing a midlife crisis. Sort of a "Is that all there is?" moment. I was also extremely angry at him. This all happened 16 years ago after he retired. Before dementia set in. I had a choice to take him back or divorce him. I took him back and I am grateful that I did. He has apologized for hurting me. He screwed up (literally) but I forgave him because I love him and realized that no one is perfect. My husband was a successful OB/Gynecologist used to women giving him lots of positive feedback and like your husband was not home a lot. I, like you, ran the household and the daily childcare, then teenagers (ugh) by myself. It took me several years to let this betrayal go. Everyone's situation is unique. I would encourage you to keep posting and sharing your feelings. This site has helped me deal with my husband's dementia especially the loss the person he used to be-brilliant, funny, active and very loving. I am choosing to look at the whole 45 years that we have been married which have been largely wonderful rather than focus on the lapse in his judgement. I hope that in time you might be able to do the same. Keep posting here and perhaps find some more ways to vent your feelings? Journaling helps me.

I appreciate all of your responses. This blog really is a wonderful place to speak honestly with others who are in similar situations. I am grateful for all of you. I have started with a therapist and it is helping. I have to remind myself that I can choose how much or how little I want to do. I will continue to take care of him but I do need to try to have time for myself. So many of us know how hard and at times completely unrealistic that is.

I am so sorry for your heartache. It is hard enough being a caregiver to someone we care about, but to learn something like you have at this point in your marriage…I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. You need to talk with someone, perhaps a pastor if you are affiliated with a church or if not, a professional therapist. Please do talk to someone for your health’s sake.

@jehjeh
I totally agree with this advice...because the times that are coming will seem impossible with this holding on to your heart. Hoping you can find a good therapist you can connect with...God bless - this is hard.