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The First Time.... Mom did not recognize me
I knew the day would come. I knew it was close. I understood the process. Yet still.....it slammed the breath out of me and deflated my heart. Mom thought I was a nurse then refused to open her eyes or talk to me.
As she napped, I stayed by her side and read a book, resting my hand on her shoulder or arm every now and then. Occasionally, I'd give her a gentle hug and speak slowly in her ear just three words, "I love you."
Thankfully, I was more prepared. When it happened the first time with my gramma, I was shocked and hurt. This time, although it felt heart-crushing, there was no shock. Just simple acceptance, love and more grief.
Thanks for letting me express thoughts and feelings along this rough journey.
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Traci,
I'm so sorry that your Mom didn't recognize you! How sad for you; even though you were expecting it. That is so good that you stayed with your Mom and told her you loved her. She needs that now. She may not have responded but I'm sure part of her knew you were there for her and that comforted her. You did the right thing. You are a good daughter! It's hard when a loved one is so ill as your Mom is. My husband had lung cancer and there were definitely hard times during that period. He died in 2024. I always reminded him that I loved him and that helped him a lot.
Ask God for help for you and your Mom to get through this very difficult time. He will be there for you. I'll say a prayer for you both also.
I wish you the best.
PML
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5 Reactions@pml Thank you so much. Yes, I agree about part of Mom knew I was there. It might have been hiding below the surface but it's there. Love is through good and tough, when a person can laugh back with you or not say a word. I will go back tomorrow and hope to see that smile of recognition. Whether I do or not, whether I'm sad or grief-filled, my love never diminishes.
Just wish I could do more. I like to fix things, solve problems, make everything better. Perhaps love is most powerfully expressed when it's not wrapped in doing but in being... being present. Just being. Sorry, I tend to ramble. Thanks for responding. It helps to be heard.
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2 Reactions@tracidw I'm glad I could help a little. You are doing the right thing by your mom. Even though she isn't saying it, she probably realizes something is wrong with her and she can't change it. That's very frightening for a person. It's good that you are there for her and go visit her often. She needs to know there is someone who cares for her and is with her. I think she realizes it's you but for whatever reason she can't respond. You said you liked to fix things. By being there you are fixing things in a very good way. Your mom's lucky to have you. If you need to talk I am here. I'll continue to pray for both you and your mom.
PML
@tracidw I love your thought… “Perhaps love is most powerfully expressed when it's not wrapped in doing but in being... being present. Just being.” Like you I tend to be a fixer…not being able to “fix” my husband’s Alz has been hard. I have done so much reading, searching the internet, trying healthy food and products…maybe I just need to focus on being present. I recently started reading the book “Contented Dementia,” perhaps it will help me in this journey to be more helpful to my husband. Thank you for sharing.