The Driver's License Discussion...

@lkbous
My husband has Lewy Body Dementia and Vascular Dementia and hasn't driven in 8 years. I'm a retired lawyer and I quietly explained to my husband that if he was in an accident it would not matter if it was his fault or not if someone sued us. That the attorney would obtain his medical records and his diagnosis would make it his fault. When he continued to want to drive I explained that I had worked just as hard as he had and that I was not going to finish my life in poverty when someone sued us for everything we had after he injured someone. He gave up driving but would periodically bring it up. The next response he received was that if he really wanted to drive I would prepare the divorce papers giving me everything and then I would buy him a clunker to drive. I don't think at that point he was sure if I was serious or not. After that if he brought it up I would just say that we had had that discussion and I wasn't revisiting it and then I would change the subject. This went on for at least a year and periodically for several years after. Letting the BMV be the bad guy is a great idea. It is not a pleasant topic. We are all so used to having a vehicle and all the freedom it provides that it is very difficult to give up. I would suggest being careful in promising to drive your loved anywhere anytime. That can back fire on you very quickly.

Can you please explain how the insurance situation unfolded? Does a diagnosis automatically take them off the policy?

@dig2dye2 I have misunderstood the language in the policy. I'm no more encouraged that at this stage of Hubby's Alzheimer's, he may be OK. We both attended our support groups for the first time tomorrow, and apparently, I fell victim to some incorrect assumptions - mostly on my part. I'm not going to be complete satisfied that he can drive until we have the results of the driving simulation.

One of the suggestions that came out of my session yesterday is to have an evaluation done by someone that is familiar with dementia and Alzheimer's early stages. They suggest annually, which might be fine in the beginning, but I'll be more comfortable with at least semi-annual. If my insurance will cover it, I'll much prefer the driving simulation at Stanford. His is scheduled next month, and we're going to talk with our insurance. He hasn't been dropped yet - what I understood was that the diagnosis was enough to drop. What we actually need to do is confirm with the insurance - I should have notified them right away of the diagnosis - which I didn't know at all until last week - which terrified me.

At this moment, I am filled more hope than I have been in a long time. Hubby's driving is still very good in my opinion, which is why this has been so hard for both of us. Next step, inform our insurance company. Thank you all for your valuable input and support.

Hi. I am glad that you raised this point about driving. Not quite your scenario - but some similarities. I am now full-time caregiving along with my father to support my mom. She was recently diagnosed with late onset Alzheimer's with moderate dementia. She has been driving all this time until shortly before the diagnosis. Unfortunately, Dad didn't approach the conversation about driving very well and it blew the situation wide open. Mom is strong-willed and very independent so telling her what she can't do never goes over well and definitely not with her dementia brain - its just her X1000.

A week later, mom had an accident that literally drove the point home (no pun intended) that she shouldn't be behind the wheel. Her car was pretty banged up while the other car had a scratch. The day she had the accident she was still angry with my father about his stance on her not driving and most of that week she'd refused to hydrate or eat in protest. The day of the accident she had not idea what to do - so she ended up having to call my dad. She couldn't even explain where she was. Thanks to Findmyphone, we located her and it was actually me who called the police. The other driver thought my mom had called the police and they were simply waiting for them to arrive at the scene. Her car had to be repaired by a body shop - which took about a month. We got the car back and surprisingly - she wasn't asking about driving. She asked us whenever she needed to go anywhere and we would just drive her. All was calm.

A couple of weeks later, all that quiet was over...One three separate occasions within the same week, she pull out her keys, went to the garage, and started the car and attempted to leave the house although we shared safety concerns and that we can all ride together where ever she needed to go. On this third attempt - I took her keys away and this has created even more of a problem since then.

I shared all this to say - we just don't know what the next plan of action should be because even if we get written confirmation from her neurologist and her PCP that she shouldn't be driving - I think that as long as she has car keys - she will take the car and drive. We were also planning on the option for the occupational therapist evaluation too. But in hindsight, on all three of those occasions that she was trying to drive the car...either I was not home but dad was and he was not paying attention or I was home and I was temporarily occupied with something and she slipped right out and took the car out of the garage. So it was clear that there was absolutely no comprehension in the safety risks involved because in her mind she could drive and she is just fine.

It is really just tricky. Her current agitation always comes back to the fact that she is not driving. It will always come up in her outbursts. Her anxiety is through the roof now and with her annual check up, her cholesterol is a huge problem and she is also pre-diabetic. None of these things are good because - with anger - she stops eating and hydrating. So honestly, it's all madness and it feels hard to imagine a silver lining here because she cannot drive - it is a risk and the accident last month was a gift because no one was hurt - it could have been worse. To ignore that red flag - it would be on us.