The Driver's License Discussion...

@cyds I do. It sounds like our husbands are on a parallel path with driving. I push to be the driver when we’re together and he is on board with that. I AM nervous about the implications of him driving, but haven’t pushed for anything yet. It’s a can of worms that I’m too chicken to open.
But also, I have thought about a paper divorce to protect our assets (home and 401k) in case there are future, large care costs, and I don’t know much about that. We are seeing an elder lawyer Friday so I should put that on my list of questions.
Good luck to you. I’ll try to post to you if I find some good info on that.

@lkbous Please do let me (us) know what the lawyer says. I'll be looking for an elder lawyer myself... Thank you for that!

My mother had the same issue for years. Lately, my dad just hides the car keys. She hasn’t complained

Hi, just from our frightening experience I suggest you push for your husband to surrender his license voluntarily.
It took us nearly getting into a bad accident and a loud fight with tears (just on my end; my husband shows little emotion anymore), before I convinced my husband, really demanded, that it was time to stop driving. I told him his brain is not giving him correct info anymore, and it is unsafe for him to drive. It was an awful and dangerous experience that I wish on no one.
Also remember you'd be liable if he hurts or kills someone because you have knowledge of his issues.
Protect yourselves and those around you. 🫂

@judimahoney

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry you experienced that. I’m hoping the driving simulation at Stanford does some of the hard work here. Hopefully make it seem to Hubby less like I’m doing this to him. But, if after all this and angry words if it gets to that and he still insists on driving , I’ll need do whatever I need to to protect my future. I really hate feeling this way.

In the last five years my husband ( moderate dementia) has had two accidents where he was at fault because he says he didn't see the other car. I have also been in the car with him and observed his driving that made me anxious. I didn't know that with dementia a person can lose their peripheral vision and eventually end up with tunnel vision. After he came home with the passenger side rear view mirror missing I asked him what happened. He didn't know it was gone and had no idea what happened. It was at that point last year that I told him that I would take him anywhere he wanted to go anytime he wanted to go but that it wasn't a good idea form to drive anymore. I was expecting some resistance but he just accepted it. I have much less anxiety when we are in the car together because I am not worried about his driving and I no longer worry about him being held liable and sued for causing an accident. I am not sure if this is true in your state but here you can ask your doctor to inform the DMV of the concerns about his driving or you can contact the DMV anonymously to report your concerns. Your husband would likely receive a letter to come in for driver testing. Good luck with this issue. We are here to support you.

Insurance companies usually have a clause that requires the client to report any significant changes. You may not have insurance either, the company could deny paying you when they find out about his AZ.
Tell your husband you are reporting his condition to the drivers license. Dept, and then follow through. They will cancel his license and report it to insurance.
This should be much better than divorce, which has its own pitfalls. I think he will see the light.

@skw95 - I would hate it if neither of us have insurance! Our life would basically come to a halt... I'll need to act quickly. I was going to wait until the driving simulation in November to drop the hammer, looks like I'll be doing it sooner. We had another discussion about it this afternoon, and it is so clear he just doesn't understand the precariousness of our situation. He has his first support group Zoom call tomorrow, I hope he brings it up and gets feedback from other folks that are diagnosed and at around the same stage he is.

Thank you all for your support and great insight and advise.

I was faced with the issue of getting my father to stop driving. None of the family could get him to understand that it was not safe for him to drive. He had Alzheimer's and it was progressing, but he and my mom still lived at home. I enlisted the help of the state Department of Motor Vehicles of the state where he lived. I wrote to them and asked if they could call my dad in for a driver's exam. They responded by letter wanting to know his driver's licence number which I didn't have. But I had his date of birth, his address, his full name, etc. Before long my mother reported that Dad had been called in for a driver's license exam. In this state, a person has three chances to pass the written test. Twice he went and he failed the written test both times, saying he couldn't remember the question when presented with the multiple choice answers. He declined to go back a third time. I got a phone call from my mother asking me to come get their car because he would forget he was not to drive, but if the car weren't there, it would be easier for her. (That won't work for you because you can still drive.) A friend and I drove over on the next weekend, about 130 miles each way, picked up their vehicle, decided I didn't want to keep it and subsequently sold it. Yes, it was a bit of a hassle, but it kept Dad from driving when he was no longer capable of driving safely. I never told my mother that I was the one who contacted the Department of Motor Vehicles, and now that they are both gone, I can share this. I felt that if the Department of Motor Vehicles felt that his was sufficiently cognizant to drive, then he very likely was.

I understand how hard it is to get a person to give up their license if they don't see the need. But in the case of dementia I think as hard as it is we need to do what we need to do to keep everyone safe. Reporting him anonymously to your state Department of Motor Vehicles is the easiest way to take care of this.
If you are concerned enough right now, I would hide the keys until he gets evaluated by the DMV. Much easier to deal with that than a lawsuit.