The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business

Posted by Scott, Volunteer Mentor @IndianaScott, Sep 4, 2016

I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!

I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....

So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂

I'll start.

More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.

As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.

In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.

Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."

This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!

Feel free to have at it!

Peace and strength to all caregivers!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers Support Group.

jeanadair123 | @jeanadair123 | Mar 5 5:00pm

In reply to @rubyredkate "Exactly what I’m going through. I even booked 4 days at our time share for hubbys..." + (show)

Can you call Uber to pick them up at the airport or can they rent a car?

sillyblone | @sillyblone | Mar 7 4:37pm

In reply to @anthonym "Hello to Chris 20. It is hell on earth. You'd know what I'm saying. Whatever you..." + (show)

@anthonym

Hello to Chris 20. It is hell on earth. You'd know what I'm saying. Whatever you do, whatever you say, nothing is going to be the same ever again. That wonderful person we married, had a life, a good life, is gone. Total dependence both physically, mentally and emotionally and gives no hint that she is aware of what is going on, so I cannot imagine even after almost 50 years of knowing her, what is going on in her mind. She won't talk about it at all, for reasons that may have to do with the illness or whether by personal choice. I am, and I presume most carers are, given grand advice to go out, find other activities, be with friends etc. My activities are related to my health problems and I am "allowed" to go to those, with a huge amount of "thank God you are home". Any other "outing" has to be negotiated and accepted with "if you have to". She is always accompanied by paid carers 24/24 who are great and very caring. But I am the one she always calls to do whatever is necessary. Guilt, plenty to have and share if anyone would take it. Trying to protect children and grandchildren, but gladly they are all wonderful and will visit whenever possible when work or school or their various activities will allow. I love sympathy but much prefer physical company. WhatsApp helps interact with the kids and the very few friends. Psychiatrist, Psychologist help one hours at a time and with meds. And yes, i want to feel that I did everything possible to make her life comfortable until the end and for her sake, she should go first, then I think "for my sake as well" and of course the guilt comes in. Sometimes more than the guilt is the anger, usually directed to my wife, which provokes more guilt. I keep wondering why such a slow dying process. I do not feel inclined to accelerate it, but the suffering for her must be awful (or not, who knows), and for me, well one gets used to it (or not). I did not mean to ramble, but this seems to be an acceptable place to do it. I wish all a huge ☺ smile (bigger than the one that appears), a good laugh (bellyaching laugh) and a big dose of patience (which wears out rather quicky, so we need a lot!). Think of the past (I am doing that with genealogy of the complicated family) and be satisfied that all are doing what it takes and never thought we could. We are stronger than we think, and hope that the rut we find ourself in will reach a calm sea with gentle waves to caress us with a feeling of a job well done.

Jump to this post

Beautiful word's. I am tired , but I know it is what it is. Been married 52 year's. I know him so well. Sometimes he apologizes for his response. Which at least I know he is still here ! He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, but most of all he is my sweetheart!♥️

1995victoria | @1995victoria | Mar 9 9:18am

In reply to @rubyredkate "Exactly what I’m going through. I even booked 4 days at our time share for hubbys..." + (show)

Go to a hotel for a few days and pamper yourself, You don't need to "caregive" your sons, they can care for themselves, it's time to caregive yourself. I wish you peace

chis54 | @chis54 | Mar 12 8:02am

Just now found this site and I need input from others. My husband has dementia and is a nursing home for almost 7 months. Last week he was in ER and submitted to hospital very sick. Ever since he has been back to nursing home he thinks he is well enough to come home.

chis54 | @chis54 | Mar 12 8:06am

In reply to @chis54 "Just now found this site and I need input from others. My husband has dementia and..." + (show)

I am unsure of how to get it across to him that he can not walk (even though he thinks he can), he is conatively sick seeing and believing things have happened that have not. Has anyone else had to deal with anything like this and what did you do? It is only me and my husband in the immediate family. So, although I get support from nursing home, I feel so alone and overwhelmed with it all.

Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Mar 12 6:33pm

In reply to @chis54 "I am unsure of how to get it across to him that he can not walk..." + (show)

@chis54 (my fingers are crossed! This will be the 3rd time I’ve typed this welcome message! My iPad doesn’t like me today). Sorry for my outburst @chis54 . I wanted to welcome you to Mayo Clinic Connect! I’m so glad that you’re here. You say that you’re doing all of the caretaking by yourself and would like some help. Try calling the Area Agency on Aging and ask for help. They might also be able to tell you about in-person support groups. It would be so good for you!
You can also use the blue ‘back’ button at the near top of this page. It will take you to the index page where all the discussions are listed. Check them out!

where4 | @where4 | Mar 13 12:10pm

In reply to @chis54 "I am unsure of how to get it across to him that he can not walk..." + (show)

My father in law had similiar symptoms. When it was time for us to leave we would tell him he needed medicine that they could give him there and we could not keep it at the house. We also told him the attendants there could take better care for him 24 hours.

milocase | @milocase | Mar 14 6:48am

In reply to @becsbuddy "@chis54 (my fingers are crossed! This will be the 3rd time I’ve typed this welcome message!..." + (show)

Agency on Aging ! Gave me no
Help!
A case number is all! I
Am
86 years and my hubby is 89!
I have been his only care giver for the last three years ! And we are both on walkers !
My health has started to go
Down hill!
No
Help what so
Ever!!
Very disappointed !

elliottw | @elliottw | Mar 14 9:29am

We are not alone. Or as Pogo said, "We have met the enemy and he is us." AI stats:

"In 2024, approximately 6.9 million Americans aged 65 and older were living with Alzheimer’s disease.
Regarding caregiving, over 11 million family members and unpaid caregivers provided care for individuals with Alzheimer’s or other dementias, contributing an estimated 18.4 billion hours of unpaid care in 2023. This caregiving effort was valued at approximately $346.6 billion.

Approximately 78-83% of Alzheimer’s caregivers in the United States are family members. This includes spouses, children, and other relatives who provide unpaid care for individuals with Alzheimer’s or other dementias."

milocase | @milocase | Mar 14 11:44pm

In reply to @milocase "Agency on Aging ! Gave me no Help! A case number is all! I Am 86..." + (show)

Thanks 🌹

View More View Less

Please sign in or register to post a reply.

Aging Well

11658

1 hour ago

Caregivers: Dementia

3865

1 hour ago

Melanoma & Skin Cancer

347

2 hours ago

Loss & Grief

3414

2 hours ago

Sleep Health

8691

2 hours ago