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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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Are you or your husband a veteran? They offer in home and in hospital pallative and hospice care.
If the VA benefits apply to either of you, call the closest VA hospital to you and ask to speak to a social worker.
My husband has stage 4 lung cancer and I will be reaching out to them when the time comes.
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6 ReactionsAre either you or your husband a veteran. If so, call your nearest VA hospital and ask to speak a social worker.
If not, ask to speak with a social worker wherever you receive your healthcare. Social workers are suppose to help you find resources that can assist you.
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2 ReactionsCall your Dr's office and tell them you need to speak to a social worker. They should be able to help you with resources to assist both of you.
If you or your husband are a veteran, call the nearest VA hospital and ask for a social worker. The VA offers caregiver help too.
Also, pallative care can be very helpful. You don't need to have a terminal illness to receive their help.
Hoping that you receive the help you need.
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4 ReactionsThank YOU!!!
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1 ReactionMy husband served in the NAVY! Navy Reserves for 9
Years ! Reserve ready ! He was never called for ACTION !
In turn he does not qualify for any VA help!!
Thanks again !
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1 ReactionI would double check that. Any veteran that served and was discharged honorably should be eligible for some benefits. Call the county VA office closest to you and ask.
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4 ReactionsThank you!
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1 ReactionAll too often a snarl or snarky comment from the recipient of my care is met with an equally snarly (if not more) retort. It can end in tears. I go away hating myself for not having enough empathy --- she is the one really suffering, not me. How would I like to be in her position? I am such a jackass. They say no one does guilt like a Catholic. Maybe that exacerbates it for me.
I have dumped my guilt for the day and will make it a great one!
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4 Reactions@rockydijohn
I am sorry. I can relate, as the caregiver to my father for over four years now (and to some degree for my mom and dad for three years before that). Reading here, it seems this can happen to all of us. I think it is the constant stress that is our daily reality, on so many levels. As a grateful believer, I too, hope to respond with patience and positivity in the face of frustration, pessimism, bad humor, or self pity. But unfortunately, as a human I think we can once in a while all fail our best intentions! I think it’s a must to extend ourselves the same grace we want to extend to others, pray for forgiveness and strength and peace, and get back up and keep trying. It is very very hard. Of course, I expect we are just talking about snark-for-snark. Anything crossing the line to verbal abuse (care recipient or care giver), needs intervention like counseling or some form of help….I pray you have a really good day and are blessed with some appreciation and peace!
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6 ReactionsI bet if you checked with all of the caregivers on this site they would say they messed up and said something or just being human can totally get what you said. Hugs to you. My spouse says he is sorry when he is aware of what happened. I have learned that he is not the same person that I married. Not his fault. I have stuck my foot in my mouth more than I would like. Hugs to you from a guilty spouse. Not perfect! 💙
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9 Reactions