Starved for affection/attention

Sometimes, the glass is half empty; sometimes, it is half full. There is much to miss, much to regret, and much to worry about when you are a caregiver, but up to the words 'when you are a caregiver' that pretty much covers much of a life. Sadness is inherent to the human experience. Aspects of my young life were truly awful. There is a litany of woes I could share but do not dwell on. Occasionally, they make a good story. Sometimes, in the telling of the pain, there is a good laugh. After all, I have earned the right to use them however I want. What I learned along the way was that not bouncing back only prolonged the misery. And more surprisingly, if good times do not last forever, neither do the bad times. It is all one Wheel of Fortune circle without a clue where we will land. -- In all this iffiness, when dementia comes along, somehow, we are caught short. If it happens late in life, it seems unfair because things are finally right. If it happens early in life, it seems unfair because there is so much more to do. More than ever now is the time to recall all those hard-earned lessons from the things you have survived. Fill the loneliness with effort that is useful. Find the spaces in your time and mind where there is peace and something lovely. Nurture a plant. Read a book ten pages at a time. Go outside and listen to birdsong. You will remember that you are still alive. The slow loss of someone you love is dreadful. The workload is insane. But here we are. Don't deny it. Isn't acceptance the first step towards any recovery? Then, try to make things better. What we do with it will tell us whether our glass is half empty or half full. GloRo

I know that feeling, too. It is difficult to reconcile the person he is, now, with the person he was. How long has he been affected?

One year now.

Does your husband still know who you are? My husband is at the point he doesn’t know who I am a lot of the time. Especially during the night even asking me to leave and go home, he even offers me money to leave. Breaks my heart!
Occasionally my husband still calls me by my name and it makes my day.
Maybe your husband isn’t sure who you are, so it makes him uncomfortable to be affectionate.
With this awful disease we lose them twice! When they no longer know who we are and when they pass away.

@judimahoney - The lack of intimacy can be devastating. It’s possible it’s a stage he will pass through. It’s not usual for the person with dementia to go through a stage of extreme self-centeredness. It can happen while they are still functioning fairly well. It’s a survival mechanism that helps them adjust to coping with everything that’s happening to them. I went through this with my husband when I was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year ago. When I shared the diagnosis with him, he rather callously answered “They can just cut it out and you’ll be fine right?” That was truly not the response I expected from my loving, caring, compassionate husband. I can’t speak for what would work for you but it was my faith that got me thru that season. He has since returned to being touchy-feely with both of us taking the initiative. Since the emotional, intuitive side blooms as the reasoning and rational side diminishes, I make sure that good feelings are associated with contact, sometimes in the form of complementing him, reassuring him, and telling him how important he is and how much I love him. Sometimes I get a chuckle and sometimes I get a loving response. It just depends where he’s at in the day. You’ll become more important in his life as he realizes how much he needs you. Use this time to build trust so he knows you’re there for him, and that could make the touchy-feely bloom again.

I danced with my wife more in her last two months then all the other years combined.
It called the gaits walts. Thankful for that. God I miss her.
It will be a year in a few days.

Jeff, that is a lovely, if sometimes painful, memory. I love the phrase Gait Waltz. Did you dance to a particular kind of music?