~ Side effects from anti-anxiety meds (Lamictal)~

Because of a troubled home life I have often felt "less." Now many years have gone by. My husband passed away. So now there is deep depression and grief. I am alone - by choice. I am not good with people. Never have been. But there is something that I know in my gut. Drugs are not the answer. I do not take any. At this time I am 90 years old pushing 91. I am independent. I can and do look after myself and I can and do drive. My mind is clear. I can and do make my own decisions. Still depressed and grieving, but I repeat: Drugs are not the answer.

How are you? Sometimes being busy can help in not thinking about life's circumstances. Have you noticed anymore of a difference now that you have been on the lamictal for longer? My thoughts are with you and I hope that you are feeling better. It is so important to find the right medication. I know that physical activity raises endorphins as well as dopamine. These both fight depression naturally. Please keep us posted. As you can see, there are many of us that care how you are doing.

You, my dear, are an inspiration! Thank you for posting.

Unfortunately, the busy-ness that I'm experiencing is part of my grief and depression, so it's not helping.

Yes, for some people, being busy with distractions can be helpful.

This has been a difficult week. Busy during the day, deeply crying at night. Very little sleep. Too much going on! Taking one moment at a time and trying to plan/prepare ahead of time.

@autumn2025 Please be gentle on yourself. A lesson I found very difficult to learn is "don't 'should' on yourself".
-I should do this because people/myself are telling I should
-I should take this medication because the dr says this will work
-I should feel better because ...[fill in the blank]

There is no specific timeline for feeling and healing. This I know. One thing that has been good for me over the years when it all feels so overwhelming, is to address or express my thoughts and feelings by doing something creative. Write a letter to what is bothering me. Draw a picture of how I feel, how I could feel if the burden was lifted. Grab a coloring book and see what can be done. Making something for someone else [I crochet and quilt], and offer them positive vibes as I do that. It all seems to take some of the power away from those negative energies and thoughts.

Would you think about trying to be gentle on yourself, and perhaps creatively addressing those thoughts?
Ginger

After decades of chronic pain and surgeries and the usual experiences aging brings to us, this past winter seemed to go on forever. Keeping up with home maintenance is beginning to overwhelm me. Helping my 96 yo mother through her aging who isn't always cooperative, I feel like quitting everything. For the first time I see leaving this world isn't far off. Facing things that suck and not improving is just the way it works. Every time I bump into an old acquaintance we have the same stories. Pain and medical stuff. I think I've found accepting a lousy life is better when it's warmer, sunnier and I'm somewhere away from my TV and house. I'm fortunate that I have a place that relieves the head stuff. It's a place called Longwwod Gardens. They have mobility scooters there and it's heaven on earth. That's the distraction that makes everything okay for a few hours. I see a lot of other older, limping, worn down folks there that enjoy a chat about good things like kids and how the grandchildren are doing good things. Good luck finding something.

I just had to comment on your post. It's such a small world, I use to live 20mins from Longwood Gardens. It's a gorgeous place. I miss being able to go there. It is truly heaven on earth. I believe that if you can get outside and see the beauty in nature, God's creation it will lift your spirits. At least it does for me. God Bless

Suggest you look at their site and any other pictures and comments as they've had huge upgrades over the last ten years (maybe more?). We live 30 miles away in NJ and I've been looking at homes near there forever. Problem is it's in the wrong direction from our children and rest of family. Another positive is that it's close to medical providers from Philly to Wilmington area. Thanks for the blessing, never have enough of them. Take care... PS: planning a visit this Friday if the weather holds.

I never had thoughts of suicide until I started taking anti-depressants. They flick a switch in your brain that control inhibition, in other words nothing matters, and you don't care. I even become aggressive over trivial matters. I stopped and conservatively take medicinal cannabis oil.

It doesn't matter if I take meds or not. I have suicidal thoughts with and without meds.

I had taken a combo of antidepressants that worked for years - regular life and no suicidal thoughts. The combo stopped working. I was off all meds for about 3 months and became really concerned when the suicidal thoughts came back. This year has been the most depressed I've ever been. When I became desperate, I
decided to try something again. I retried Lamictal. It isn't working either. I've been on it for 5 weeks. In the last 2 weeks I've had intermittent suicidal thoughts. Today was really bad. When I think I'm a burden to everyone who means the most to me and I think I just can't try again to make anything right again, my thoughts change to it would be better for everyone if I just disappeared.
I tried reaching out to my spouse and he didn't give me a hug or tell me things were not as bad as they seem. I can see he's tired of my depression too. I cried histarically in my car, alone with my dog, convinced that I need a plan. I tried calling a friend, but they didn't answer, but then she reached out via Facebook messenger. I told her that mental illness was winning. We talked. She said what I've been trying to do isn't working, that I need to try something different instead.
I feel that I've burned so many bridges, I don't how to recover. My diabetes is out of control, my parents are dealing with a new chapter in their life that I'm grieving over, my siblings and I are not getting along, my kids are seeing a side of me I don't want them to see, my spouse is tired of being supportive, and I can't function in most situations that are outside my room. I am broken and I have a real hard time seeing a way out.