Slipping further away

Gosh, my initial reaction is to get someone at night, other than you, who can administer her meds. Or can you take a bit of applesauce and safely crush it or is the medicine in liquid form? As the thought of the pill might be alarming to her. Ask the doctor if there is a way to adjust her medicine schedule to a calmer time of day. It just sounds like it's a tough situation for you to be in, day in and day out and one where you might be walking on eggshells with the family, if you don't follow her schedule. You mention "her family, and I'm wondering, what role do they play in all of this in helping you? I'm not sure if they are local, near where you are, but can they help you at all? When you ask if there is anything else you could do? It sounds like you need, at minimum, to have a family discussion to determine, just what they want you to do, if she adamantly refuses to take her meds at night. So everyone is on board, with the outcome, if she doesn't take them. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's overwhelming.
Best, Karla

@kjc48 Well, I just lost a very good answer!! Dang! I just agreed with kjc48 on the need for a family discussion. I also added: ‘who cares for mom on your days off?’ Are you earning a living wage? Would the possibility of your leaving get them to make changes?
Just think of all the things you want to say and the calm, quiet way you want to say it. Write down your wishes. Don’t let them ‘brow beat’ you.
I hope you catch on to what I’m saying. AND WE’RE ALL BEHIND YOU!!

@milkjuggles1 I have to agree with kjc48. You really need a family discussion. And write down what is agreed upon. Are you maybe concerned that they would let you go? Is the salary important to you or could you live without it? Answer ONLY if you want to! Do you get some time off? Who takes care of Mom then? You are in a very difficult place here but you Can solve this.

I’m so sorry reading your post, @milkjuggles1. It sounds like you have nowhere else to go if you didn’t live with and be the sole/primary carer of your foster mother? I take it you don’t get much or any help from the rest of the family and you get board in return for providing care?

If so that makes it so very hard for you especially where your foster mother has always been abusive towards you. A difficult situation anyway made even more so by family stuff.

I’m glad there are some good tips on here especially to slip her meds into some of her favourite treats.

I’m sorry if I’ve read this incorrectly. But if have got it sort of right I hope you can find somewhere else to go and can then pass over the care to the rest of the family and help out as needed ❤️‍🩹 In the meanwhile you have this community to support you

@milkjuggles1 I agree with the previous posts in suggesting that you write down what you see as a problem with the current situation. ie. that she is refusing her meds. You want the family to give you a written set of instructions when this occurs. For example a.) just let it go and try the next day so as not to make her anxious and defensive. This may not be ideal depending on what meds she is on. b.) contact them when this occurs- designate a specific person to deal with this issue hopefully the person with Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare. c.) give you permission in writing to contact her doctor regarding this issue. As someone else suggested some or all of the meds may be able to be crushed and put in a small amount of sweetened applesauce or her favorite pudding. There are some that should not be crushed because they are time released. These could be put into a slice of canned peach by slicing an opening in the peach slice and slipping the pill/capsule inside. My Mom use to do this for me when as a child I had to take some horrible tasting asthma medicine. I would also ask if you don't already know who in the family has the Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care for your foster mother. This is the person who should be responsible for making any healthcare decisions regarding your foster Mom. In the meantime consider what you would do, where you could go if the situation became intolerable/unacceptable for you. Look into temporary shelters in your area, ask the local Alzheimer's Association for suggestions. There is a 24/7 Helpline where you can speak to a live person. The number is 1 800 272-3900. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We all understand your frustration and fear.

Dear @milkjuggles1
First, just a tweak on some of the suggestions about pill-hiding. My husband ate them just fine WITHOUT crushing, as long as we put them in spoonfuls of ice cream. Once you crush them, the pill dust makes the ice cream, pudding, etc. bitter.

Important: If you see her declining at an accelerated rate, she may be entering the final stage of her life. It may be worth discussing this with her doctors. If they agree that the decline you are seeing and her overall health condition suggests that she has less than 6 months to live, then she qualifies for hospice and that would bring you a lot of helpful resources. It is worth checking in with the doctor. I found myself facing an uphill struggle to keep my husband going when he suffered from myoclonus (involuntary muscle spasms) related to seizures and generally declined. His gerontologist reviewed the situation and told me it was the beginning of the end, and that was so helpful. I was able to focus on making his final decline comfortable instead of struggling with him to keep him mobile and "getting better". The hospice people and processes were great.

All the best to you.

I understand and feel for you. Caregiving for someone with dementia at the stage you describe is bigger than any one person can handle. I hope and pray you can get assistance from family and friends.

In the meantime, are you aware of the GUIDE program? link below…..
https://www.cms.gov/priorities/innovation/innovation-models/guide
I was made aware of and received help applying for this program through a very understanding and helpful Social Worker. The GUIDE program even provides compensation for being a caregiver. To be clear, the financial compensation you can get through the GUIDE program is when you are caring for a person at home, but stops if the person goes to assisted living or memory care. I highly recommend getting connected with a Social Worker; they are invaluable helping with multiple means of support for caregivers in addition to navigating coordination and contacts with doctors.

@milkjuggles1, thinking of you and sending a virtual hug from a stranger.

I crush my wife's meds with a small coffee gdrinder. Then I mix them up in a protein drink. I use premier but there are other brands. I use a small hand held battery operated mixer cost 5 bucks.. My wife likes the drink. I tell her it is a shake.I also use a cup with a lid and a straw for her.If not a straw they have sippy type cups for adults

@trav77 You sound very pleased with getting these protein drinks into your wife! I don’t want to burst your bubble, but be very careful about crushing the medications. A medication meant to be a “long term” one, your wife gets all at once and that can be harmful. You may want to talk to her doctor, or send a note through the portal ( a way to communicate with the doctor when you are not together). Her doctor can tell you which medications can be safely crushed and which cannot.
How long has your wife not taken her pills without crushing them?