Showering refusal

A friend of mine was having that same problem with her mother-in-law with dementia. She asked a friend to come over wearing a white lab coat, like a doctor (try to look/dress as much like a doctor). The “doctor” told the MIL that she must shower. It was required. (Use whatever doctor/nurse like words you can think of). The MIL went and showered because the “doctor” told her to. Your dad may respond better to a male “doctor” friend. The “doctor” can wait in another room - or maybe doesn’t need to stay.

The MIL had known the friend who was dressed as the doctor, but because of dementia no longer recognized her as a friend, and accepted her as a medical professional.

If you’re uncomfortable play-acting doctor, the friend could be a medical assistant, or nurse assistant.

If you’re amenable, you could discuss with doc meds to help with behavioral issues that accompany dementia, especially if becomes verbally abusive.

I discovered with my mom, that her refusal to shower was because she didn't remember all the steps that are involved. She was very overwhelmed and so it was easier to say no to a shower. I successfully helped her to shower using a few techniques. First I use a shower chair. It is comfortable and gives my mom confidence that she will not fall. Second I use a modesty shirt for her since she was shy. This is a long light weight short sleeve big T shirt. This shirt is only for her showers. She mostly showered herself as I spoke each step. I was so happy that I cracked the "shower code" for my mom and that the months without a shower are now in the past.

Refusing showers is quite common with dementia and can be so frustrating. The suggestions above are very good. My dad also went through this. I sensed it was due to him not being comfortable turning on the right faucet, getting dressed and undressed…..avoiding falls….it was just too much for him. Plus…some just don’t like the water on the skin. You might try the disposable washcloths. You can bathe the entire body that way. It’ll be some help until you figure out how to get the shower problem resolved.

My dad refused to allow a bath aid to help him. We had several who came to the house…men and women. Finally after he became bedbound he didn’t protest being bathed.

One thing that worked a little was we’d tell Daddy that his doctor appointment was the next day and he had to shower per doctor’s orders. We would not take a dirty person to the doctor. He believed it and would let my mom assist him into shower chair.

If he’s agitated, I might discuss it with his doctor. There are meds that help.

Another couple of tips:
As suggested, put a shower chair in the shower. Your community probably has a medical equipment loan closet and you could borrow one. Second, don’t start at the head! Start with the feet and move up from there. Depending on the stage, your LO can do the bathing with your hand on top to guide if needed. Also - there are great bathing cloths available (Amazon) that have cleansing/soap in them….. but no rinsing required! That can be a life saver. (And baths every single day also not a must-do.). Look for an online video with Teepa Snow about bathing - good tips there. I’ve forgotten the trainers name but “Bathing without a battle” was helpful.

Showering is a problem for many.
I found that the best time for my husband to be agreeable is when he first gets up in the morning. With a big smile on my face, I say, Why do we get you freshened up? (Instead of getting a shower)
I always stand to the side and give encouragement and simple directions. If you think about it, it's a complex process with numerous steps.
It doesn't always work. If he really doesn't want to, I'll act like it's not a big deal, and I'll try again tomorrow.
I have ordered the no-rinse cleanser and shampoo from Amazon, where a wide selection is available. The large disposable cleaning clothes are handy, and I also purchased a package of fluffy, white washcloths that are soft and stay warm longer. For his face, head, and upper body.
If you type in showers on the Mayo Clinic Connect front page under Search Topics, there are quite a few helpful showering topics that will pop up.

There are a some good suggestions here that may help. I had a situation with my husband, where he just stopped showering one day. I guess it’s part of the “slow decline” with the Lewy Body dementia - one day something that he took care of independently, suddenly just stops. When it dawned on me that he hadn’t showered in over a week, by my estimation, I knew that we needed to do better. He is not active and rarely goes outside except to sit on the deck if I coerce him, so I knew showering every day wasn’t necessary. We discussed the issue and agreed that Friday would be his “shower and shave” day. He is still doing these activities mostly independently (he uses an electric shaver), he misses some spots and I have to help him trim his mustache due to the tremor from the Parkinson’s. He didn’t think it was at all concerning that he wasn’t showering on his own, and wasn’t even 100% on board with the once a week routine, but eventually he agreed. We write it on his reminder calendar every Friday, and I still need to remind, encourage and prod, but he is showering at least once a week now with minimal fuss, We picked Fridays, because he likes to go out to a restaurant for dinner on the weekends, and I told him I didn’t want to take him out if he was all unshaven and smelly. So basically, no shower, no restaurant. That made sense to him, and has helped to keep him on track. I don’t know what activities or things your Dad might like but maybe there is a similar “carrot” you can use to help ensure some compliance with showering (even if it is reluctant!).
Bless you for helping your Mom in caring for your Dad. All the best to you and your loved ones.

Yes, offering a reward worked for my cousin. I promised her ice cream, movie or a drive, if she would bathe. It didn’t last though.

I used to tell my Dad I’d give him $50. if he’d allow the bath aid to help him shower or shave! He would agree initially, but then decide against it. Lol. My Dad was very frugal so I was shocked he forfeited $50.

These are all so helpful! I wish I could thank each of you individually. Even if none of these ideas works (but we are surely going to try them!), it has been so encouraging to communicate with others who have walked or are walking this path. Thank you!!!

I have found that if I brag on my husband about how handsome he is after he shaves, it seems to help sometimes. I put a spray of cologne on him and kiss his cheeks and tell him how good he smells. It mellows his mood.