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Showering refusal

Posted by kjogo @kjogo, Sep 6, 2025

My husband and and I just moved in to help my 82 year old mom care for my dad who has severe dementia. Dad is physically healthy and strong. However, he is becoming increasingly difficult to manage. He is often angry and talks to himself constantly—and it isn’t pleasant talk. Our biggest issue now is showering. Mom tries to help him, but he has gotten to the point where he absolutely refuses to get in the shower. Neither my husband nor I were able to get him to shower—either with firmness or reasoning. Mom is her wits end. He is physically fully capable of showering himself. Even if someone came in to help him shower, I think he would be just as stubborn, and then what? ANY advice would be so appreciated! Thank you!

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bayviewgal | @bayviewgal | Sep 15, 2025
In reply to @msbjean53 "I have found that if I brag on my husband about how handsome he is after..." + (show)
Profile picture for msbjean53 @msbjean53

I have found that if I brag on my husband about how handsome he is after he shaves, it seems to help sometimes. I put a spray of cologne on him and kiss his cheeks and tell him how good he smells. It mellows his mood.

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I tell my hubby the same thing 🙂 And when I wrap the towel around him after I've dried him off, i ALWAYS give him a kiss and tell him HOW good he smells and i get a big smile and a "thank you".

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bayviewgal | @bayviewgal | Sep 15, 2025

I keep a few "tricks" in my back pocket when my hubby doesn't feel like showering. I keep disposable washcloths on hand and give him a sponge bath... or wait until a different time later in the day OR wait til the next day, especially if he is really refusing a shower, cuz it's not worth arguing or insisting. But eventually he NEEDS to get washed with actual soap and water and then I tell him he's gonna feel good and warm, and cozy and smell sooooo good. And when I'm done I give him a kiss and ask him if he feels better and he always says "yes! Thank you". I've also had to change it up at times... morning or night time showers. You'll find your way just like I did. As much as we all want to keep routines, some days just don't allow us to and we just have to go with their flow. You'll find your way just like I did... I know it's not always easy but you'll find your way 🙂
Strength, Peace , Love and Hugs to you

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ellesea01 | @ellesea01 | Sep 21, 2025
In reply to @mm180 "There are a some good suggestions here that may help. I had a situation with my..." + (show)
Profile picture for mm180 @mm180

There are a some good suggestions here that may help. I had a situation with my husband, where he just stopped showering one day. I guess it’s part of the “slow decline” with the Lewy Body dementia - one day something that he took care of independently, suddenly just stops. When it dawned on me that he hadn’t showered in over a week, by my estimation, I knew that we needed to do better. He is not active and rarely goes outside except to sit on the deck if I coerce him, so I knew showering every day wasn’t necessary. We discussed the issue and agreed that Friday would be his “shower and shave” day. He is still doing these activities mostly independently (he uses an electric shaver), he misses some spots and I have to help him trim his mustache due to the tremor from the Parkinson’s. He didn’t think it was at all concerning that he wasn’t showering on his own, and wasn’t even 100% on board with the once a week routine, but eventually he agreed. We write it on his reminder calendar every Friday, and I still need to remind, encourage and prod, but he is showering at least once a week now with minimal fuss, We picked Fridays, because he likes to go out to a restaurant for dinner on the weekends, and I told him I didn’t want to take him out if he was all unshaven and smelly. So basically, no shower, no restaurant. That made sense to him, and has helped to keep him on track. I don’t know what activities or things your Dad might like but maybe there is a similar “carrot” you can use to help ensure some compliance with showering (even if it is reluctant!).
Bless you for helping your Mom in caring for your Dad. All the best to you and your loved ones.

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All these tricks of the trade tips showing up here reminds me of these words (not sure who said it 1st)

Re 'Necessity is the Mother of Invention'.

Bravo to all of you for helping your loved ones every day • 24/7 really. That is one heck of a 'job'.

Way to be all of you. .!! 💐

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ellesea01 | @ellesea01 | Sep 22, 2025

This would be very difficult for all of you. I hope people here will have some tips to help. I've heard of instances where a certain person can reach through for some reason. Is there a friend or family member that he's known to respond to? Let us know how things go. Glad you're all trying & have each other. Air hug..

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ellesea01 | @ellesea01 | Sep 22, 2025
In reply to @bayviewgal "I tell my hubby the same thing :-) And when I wrap the towel around him..." + (show)
Profile picture for bayviewgal @bayviewgal

I tell my hubby the same thing 🙂 And when I wrap the towel around him after I've dried him off, i ALWAYS give him a kiss and tell him HOW good he smells and i get a big smile and a "thank you".

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That's awesome thinking around a delicate area. Bravo to all of you using some of the most positive methods in the book.

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sillyblone | @sillyblone | Sep 30, 2025
In reply to @ellesea01 "That's awesome thinking around a delicate area. Bravo to all of you using some of the..." + (show)
Profile picture for ellesea01 @ellesea01

That's awesome thinking around a delicate area. Bravo to all of you using some of the most positive methods in the book.

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@ellesea01
I tend to choose my battles. I have wipes, gloves if needed and when my spouse ask me to help him get cleaned up I talk to him and praise him..not always pleasant conversation. I will say he does smell great and I tell him so..he cannot smell anymore. Not always easily done. 😊

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ellesea01 | @ellesea01 | Sep 30, 2025
In reply to @sillyblone "@ellesea01 I tend to choose my battles. I have wipes, gloves if needed and when my..." + (show)
Profile picture for sillyblone @sillyblone

@ellesea01
I tend to choose my battles. I have wipes, gloves if needed and when my spouse ask me to help him get cleaned up I talk to him and praise him..not always pleasant conversation. I will say he does smell great and I tell him so..he cannot smell anymore. Not always easily done. 😊

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That part about it not always being easy. It's why I also say Bravo to all of you. Had some care-taking experiences myself. Shared thankfully but the glitches that of course happen add more stress & strain and are always lurking. Very challenging.

I really hope each of you have the chance for a bit of pampering in support of your well-being. Massage Day, Mani/Pedi Day, Hair-Do Day whatever works for you Day. !!

Yikes, congrats and air hugs to you all for all the ways you're helping.

@sillyblone

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Traci | @tracidw | Oct 1, 2025

Since being cold seems to be one of the reasons, keep a robe handy. Also, instead of starting at the head, begin at the feet. No sitting with wet hair making the person colder. Can even keep part of body covered while washing another part.

Try out different phrases, instead of bath or shower, how about "let's freshen up."

At this point, my Mom is on palliative care and in a memory unit so I no longer bathe her. But, I'm always looking for ways to help her aides.

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