Mayo Clinic Connect
Hi guys.my daughter is 13.she just told me that my husband touched her bikini area for 40minutes 2nights ago.i am so confused and need help.i love my kids and i cant imagine anything happening to her.its killing me.any suggestions?
Hi @camilla4455, this must be very upsetting and troubling news. When a child makes such as claim, it is serious. Your daughter sees you as a person of trust.
Please read this article for advice on “What Should I Do After A Child Tells?” http://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/what-should-i-do-after-a-child-tells
* Believe what they say
* Re-establish safety
* Free them of self-blame
* Express your rage to appropriate people
* Get help
I’d also like to bring @ronnie3716 @book2075 and @blindeyepug into this discussion.
Liked by Ali Skahan
Thank you so much.i do appreciate your advice.
I and my three sisters are incest survivors. My father molested all four of us. NONE of us knew about the others. NONE of us dared to tell anyone. We were told by our abuser that it would literally kill our mother (who was in and out of the hospital with multiple illnesses when we were young) if we told. There is also the guilt and shame. The shock. All reasons why you don’t dare speak. (I am 55, so when I was young, people didn’t talk about such things.) BELIEVE your daughter! It was one of my sisters who finally told my mother. At first my mom didn’t believe her. My mom came to each one of us girls separately and asked us if our father had “done stuff” with us. We each replied yes. My mother divorced my father, but she was absolutely miserable. My sister that told carried so much guilt for years for HAVING TOLD!! Do not do that to your daughter. Get her and get yourself some professional help immediately. I didn’t get counseling until I was older. That was another thing that just wasn’t done back then. I am so, so glad things are different now. I can not stress the importance of counseling, especially for your daughter. And don’t be surprised if there is a little anger at you. She will wonder why you didn’t know, why you didn’t protect her, how you can possibly feel bad about leaving him. Of course it is in no way your fault, but she may still have moments of anger at you. Also, it is safer to be mad at you than her abuser because she is most likely afraid of him. The abuse for each of us started around 10-11. It took SO MUCH courage for your daughter to tell you. You have no idea how scared she is, how horrified that she will be blamed for breaking up the “family”. But the anger should be TOTALLY on the abuser. HE ruined the family. HE has ruined her life, stolen her childhood. She may have a hard time getting married or staying married since she will not trust easily. The raw pain will eventually go away and, with time and counseling, she will learn how to deal with “triggers”. But that scar on her soul will be there forever. This is very serious. My father molested us for years. I would not be surprised if this wasn’t the first time he did this to her. Prepare yourself that he may have also molested your other children or even other children you know. He is very, very sick. I know this is a flood of information I’ve let go of at you, but being a survivor, I know the pain this causes everyone. Just hold on to your kids. Be proud she felt safe to speak with you. DO NOT EVER LET HER OR ANY CHILD ALONE WITH YOUR HUSBAND AGAIN. He will deny it, he will down play it, he will cry, he will apologize and say it’ll never happen again, he will get angry at you, at her, he will do anything he can to deflect the blame from him. He may say she wanted him to do it. That she liked it. That she never complained to him. That he just loves her so much. BULL, BULL, BULL. A child stays quiet because they are afraid, shocked, ashamed, confused. Also, tell her to be careful who she tells – even her friends. People can be mean. They may use her vulnerability against her. She may be called a slut. She may have boys think they can do things with her. She will also be more likely to be abused again if she does not have counseling. She may freeze if a boy tries something. Just being touched or hugged by the opposite sex can become a trigger. Please know I am praying for her, you and your family. Find out all you can about sexual abuse survivors. Your daughter is going to need you more than ever. Try to be strong. Feel free to contact me if you want to do so. It is a good thing for you to know that all four of us girls are doing just fine. We are all married (though I am on my third marriage), we all had children,have grand children and we are all successful in life – two with masters in special education, a doctor and a lawyer. Be on the look out for your daughter trying to “self medicate” her pain with drugs or alcohol. Be frank with her that such behavior only makes things worse. Confronting the issue with a counselor experienced in this matter is one of the only things that will help her truly clean out the wound and let it heal. Again, the scar is always there, but only those she chooses to tell need know about it.
Go to the police and report this. Now, Take her to the Hospital and haveher checked, Now. Do not take this lightly
elltd, you are so right. My father was never reported to the police. However, my eldest sister testified in court at my mom’s divorce and my mom also testified that all four of us were molested and the court STILL allowed my dad supervised visitation. The court also never arrested him or anything. I didn’t think of advising going to the police as it wasn’t something that was done in my situation. Thanks for thinking of it. It is definitely an important step to take.
Immediately take care of your daughter . Call the sexual abuse hot line and they will refer you for help. The father should not be in the house in order to protect her . Or you and children need to leave the home. She is not safe .
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That person is not a father. A father does not do that to there children.Please take care of yourselves. You do not have to see or be in contactwith that person. Go back to court, voice your No, You and your sisters donot want to have any further contact. I was a Drug And Alcohol Counselor. A8 yro boy was molested and abused by his father. The 8 yro molested his 2yro sister and tried to drown her. The system failed them and the fatherhad visitation rights. I am not longer a Drug Alcohol Counselor
I am so sorry for your daughter but please remember to tell her you believeher. Try to notdo anything without including her. My prayers are with you & please report this to the police as they will help you.
Wish I could give you a hug but instead send one.
Liked by Colleen Young, Connect Director
Thank u so much
Thank u we already left
I hope you and your child are doing well.
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