Adults On The Autism Spectrum

I was always different. As a small child, I didn't realize I was different. I only knew as early as the age of three or four that I wanted to kill myself. I had it all planned out how I would do that. If I failed, I planned to run away from home, and I had that figured out as well. That would mean leaving my beloved Father behind. But I knew my Mother didn't care about me, so, I figured I had no choice. She was mentally ill, having suffered terribly at the hands of an abusive male relative for many years. She would frequently tell me all kinds of things that unsettled me. That she was not my "real" mother, that she was just watching me until she could come to get me. In a very real sense, she was not my real mother. My "real" Mother was one of two ladies hired by my Father to take care of me when I was born. My biological mother had a difficult time accepting motherhood. She had some sort of breakdown when I was born, and was unable to care for me. After a year, my parents could no longer afford two nannies. But they let the wrong one go. Just like in the film the Help, I was that little girl crying and screaming, begging the woman who had loved her and raised her not to go. I could read before I went to school, and was used as a teacher's aide to help other kids learn to read and write. I was playing the piano for church services at the age of six, and teaching my third grade class their music lessons at the insistence of my teacher. I had superior hearing, off the charts, actually, when I was finally tested as an adult. I read a huge stack of books every day after school, returned them the next day, then checked out another stack. I felt that if I read enough, one day I would figure it all out. I ended up becoming a Social Worker, then a Special Educator. I read temple Grandin's book, Thinking In Pictures, and was stunned. I had not known until then, that other people did not think in pictures. This was a very big deal to me. I worked directly under a Psychologist for the school system for three years, trying to help a child on the Spectrum to find her place. I suspected at the time that I had ADHD, and had already been diagnosed with Depression. I was already collecting labels by the fistful, and certainly did not desire anymore. But I always knew there was more to me than just depression. Long after I was transferred to another position in the school system, I began studying more about Autism. It was only after the ADHD medicines had become ineffective that I began to understand there was indeed a Spectrum, and that all people with Autism did not present exactly the same way. I am very sociable, for example. I never meet a stranger. I know now that I was miserable for so long, I want to do everything I can to encourage other people struggling with life. Around five or so years ago, I think, I began to read bits and pieces from a woman named Samantha Craft. She wrote Everyday Aspergers, and had a long list of traits that might present in females. This was very significant, because until about this time, most medical professionals didn't recognize Autism in females, except for extreme cases. We know now that girls are much better at "masking" or mimicking what is considered to be normal or typical behavior. After remaining open to the possibility that I could be on the Spectrum, I began to take a series of tests that are commonly given as part of the process in determining Spectrum disorders. It must be understood that I was extremely motivated in determining the truth. I had absolutely no desire whatsoever to attempt to make my scores high enough to "fit" the diagnosis. For me, this was a life or death matter. I have limited access to competent medical professionals who have had good success in working with persons on the Spectrum. Where I live, the closest place would be Birmingham, AL. I am raising a thirteen year old, have various health conditions, and a dear husband who is on immunosuppressant therapy. My days are filled with Homeschool and cleaning, so that his many allergies to not put him in respiratory distress. If I ever manage to have the time to get an appointment with a really good Psychiatrist an hour and a half's drive away, it will be just one more affirmation. I know where I come from and I know where I belong. The Spectrum is a perfect fit for me. My brain is just wired differently. All my senses are heightened to the nth degree. Things that used to torment me, now make sense. Sorry this is so long. I have actually left out an awful lot.

Thank you for this discussion. I am new to this community and hope I am directing my comments correctly by replying to your post. How do I comment on other members comments to your initial post? I'll get the hang of this shortly. I appreciate a community where it is easy to ask question, learn from others and hear the latest info out there and what people have done to learn more and do more while living on the spectrum. Thank you.

Dear @kimmym, thank you for taking the time out of your day to come here and check us out. We are a new group, relatively spesking. We are getting used to each other and trying to get comfortable. We all have usernames. But since I became a volunteer mentor, everyone knows my full name. And that's fine. I try to not put anything on here that I wouldn't mind being printed on the front page of the New York Times. We look forward to seeing you again here, and hope that you will contribute as you feel led to do so. Everyone has a story, and we want to hear it. We are here for you! Love and light,
Mamacita

Thank you for this discussion. I am new to this community and hope I am directing my comments correctly by replying to your post. How do I comment on other members comments to your initial post? I'll get the hang of this shortly. I appreciate a community where it is easy to ask question, learn from others and hear the latest info out there and what people have done to learn more and do more while living on the spectrum. Thank you.

If there was a " cure" for Autism, what would you do? Would you research it first? Would you not check into it at all? Or would you study the research, knowing that there are so many people on the Spectrum who have not had the compassion, the encouragement, or maybe the training you have had? What about the late diagnosed children who cannot speak but a few words? But they can type a novel on a keyboard. What about them? What about us? What would you change if you could?

I think that one of the most challenging aspects that I find as an Adult on the Autism Spectrum, is the ability to balance all my responsibilities at the same time that I carve out time for the creative, joyous part of me. I was so neglectful of myself for so many years, it is actually like waking up and consciously deciding who I want to be that day. Does that make any sense? There are so many demands on my time, your time, everyone's time. But we have to breathe. We have to relax, and enjoy taking our time with the beauty that is all around us. I feel as though I have been given a second chance at life. I try to stay in touch with what is going on around me. But I deliberately schedule time for me to do "Autism things" every day. To study about what makes people tick. To look at past mistakes and move on, realizing that they were lessons learned. To be patient and kind with myself helps me to be more patient and kind with others. I was not raised to be a planner. I was not raised to be organized. But for me, learning daily how to be more structured, and to plan the things that matter to me, helps me to weather the stress of living in a world that is too loud, too busy, and extremely anxiety-provoking. I am a concrete thinker. Whatever you tell me, I will believe, unless it is proven otherwise. I don't get jokes, cannot tell a joke, although people do say I have a good sense of humor. I am a Mac in a PC world. I think differently than most people, outside of the box. I don't fit in. But I do come in handy. And learning to live in the moment, to be mindful, to have balance, is a noble task. To sum it all up: Make every day count! That is my challenge!