Adults On The Autism Spectrum

I was always different. As a small child, I didn't realize I was different. I only knew as early as the age of three or four that I wanted to kill myself. I had it all planned out how I would do that. If I failed, I planned to run away from home, and I had that figured out as well. That would mean leaving my beloved Father behind. But I knew my Mother didn't care about me, so, I figured I had no choice. She was mentally ill, having suffered terribly at the hands of an abusive male relative for many years. She would frequently tell me all kinds of things that unsettled me. That she was not my "real" mother, that she was just watching me until she could come to get me. In a very real sense, she was not my real mother. My "real" Mother was one of two ladies hired by my Father to take care of me when I was born. My biological mother had a difficult time accepting motherhood. She had some sort of breakdown when I was born, and was unable to care for me. After a year, my parents could no longer afford two nannies. But they let the wrong one go. Just like in the film the Help, I was that little girl crying and screaming, begging the woman who had loved her and raised her not to go. I could read before I went to school, and was used as a teacher's aide to help other kids learn to read and write. I was playing the piano for church services at the age of six, and teaching my third grade class their music lessons at the insistence of my teacher. I had superior hearing, off the charts, actually, when I was finally tested as an adult. I read a huge stack of books every day after school, returned them the next day, then checked out another stack. I felt that if I read enough, one day I would figure it all out. I ended up becoming a Social Worker, then a Special Educator. I read temple Grandin's book, Thinking In Pictures, and was stunned. I had not known until then, that other people did not think in pictures. This was a very big deal to me. I worked directly under a Psychologist for the school system for three years, trying to help a child on the Spectrum to find her place. I suspected at the time that I had ADHD, and had already been diagnosed with Depression. I was already collecting labels by the fistful, and certainly did not desire anymore. But I always knew there was more to me than just depression. Long after I was transferred to another position in the school system, I began studying more about Autism. It was only after the ADHD medicines had become ineffective that I began to understand there was indeed a Spectrum, and that all people with Autism did not present exactly the same way. I am very sociable, for example. I never meet a stranger. I know now that I was miserable for so long, I want to do everything I can to encourage other people struggling with life. Around five or so years ago, I think, I began to read bits and pieces from a woman named Samantha Craft. She wrote Everyday Aspergers, and had a long list of traits that might present in females. This was very significant, because until about this time, most medical professionals didn't recognize Autism in females, except for extreme cases. We know now that girls are much better at "masking" or mimicking what is considered to be normal or typical behavior. After remaining open to the possibility that I could be on the Spectrum, I began to take a series of tests that are commonly given as part of the process in determining Spectrum disorders. It must be understood that I was extremely motivated in determining the truth. I had absolutely no desire whatsoever to attempt to make my scores high enough to "fit" the diagnosis. For me, this was a life or death matter. I have limited access to competent medical professionals who have had good success in working with persons on the Spectrum. Where I live, the closest place would be Birmingham, AL. I am raising a thirteen year old, have various health conditions, and a dear husband who is on immunosuppressant therapy. My days are filled with Homeschool and cleaning, so that his many allergies to not put him in respiratory distress. If I ever manage to have the time to get an appointment with a really good Psychiatrist an hour and a half's drive away, it will be just one more affirmation. I know where I come from and I know where I belong. The Spectrum is a perfect fit for me. My brain is just wired differently. All my senses are heightened to the nth degree. Things that used to torment me, now make sense. Sorry this is so long. I have actually left out an awful lot.

Thank you for starting this discussion. I was not diagnosed until I was 32 years old. I remember as a child of 7yrs feeling like I was different from my peers in so many ways. I didn't know what for so long that I came to believe that there was just something wrong with me. I tried to change or fit in so many times, partly because my family moved often, that receiving the diagnosis was like being allowed to be myself. When I told my brother of my diagnosis, he said it actually explained a lot of things.

@tori32 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! You will probably find several posts or threads of discussions within these many support groups, that you can relate to.

As you mentioned, many of us who are officially diagnosed as adults, to be on the autism spectrum, felt awkward and out-of-place growing up. It was certainly like that for me! And finally so many puzzle pieces fit together once I had a formal diagnosis. I had suspected it, but took the initiative to confirm it formally, albeit at a much later age than you!

How has your life and outlook changed for you with the realization there is nothing "wrong" with you, this is who you are?
Ginger

I think the biggest thing that changed is my mindset and being able to accept myself. I believe that my mental health has suffered because of the late diagnosis, as I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. All of it was beginning to affect my work when I became stressed and overstimulated when I was a CNA (certified nurse assistant). It has gotten better now, though, because I have found ways to cope (and what has been stimming all along). The diagnosis has certainly helped!