Reunion With Brother After Years (Severe Anxiety)

Posted by EdCork @yangedd, Dec 4, 2018

Hi guys,

Sorry I haven't been on in days, but going through quite an emotional and anxiety ridden time. As people know, my Ma (Mum) passed away in 2010 from Colon Cancer. I then left my hometown with my partner and moved to Dublin as he got a job offer with a very prestigious company, thus cutting my family out of my life during a very bad time in my life where my addiction to alcohol spiralled out of control. My nephew was born during the summer, and because of not being in contact with my brother I have never met him. Thankfully, with the help of a dear friend who kindly acted as a mediator, myself and my brother have agreed to make contact with each other after a very, very long time. My friend, Freda, sent me pictures of my nephew and I guess I am very emotional and sad, yet positive that things can work out after all these years just in time for Christmas. Because the anxiety is so bad I've been taking 50mg Lyrica x2 daily and also 40mg Propranolol x2 daily for the last three days. I didn't sleep a wink last night with everything in my head so I actually went to the pharmacy and collected one 0.25mg Halcion, which are on PRN to help me tonight. I guess with the festive season coming in I feel not so great, but am really trying to be positive and look to the future.

@yangedd

Hi @lisalucier

Things did not at all go to plan. Resentment and past hurts bubbled to the surface and we didn't even come face to face.

I spent all of this Christmas alone and by myself. It was 6pm when I got out of bed on Christmas night because I couldn't face the day alone.

I've been on strong sleeping pills (Halcion 0.25mg) all through the holiday and was so bad I thought of ending it all, but thank God for my medical team who got involved and saw me through.

I'm isolated at the moment and haven't been communicating with anyone, just taking my pills and getting through each day as best I can.

Sorry for the very late reply but I just wasn't in a place to interact with anyone.

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@yangedd– I am very sorry that you did not reunite with your brother after all the anticipation and hoping that took place. I can only imagine how this made you feel. The devastation and anger that you feel, and perhaps betrayal are perfectly natural. After some time burrowing in your cocoon it will then be time to start your life again.
All though most of us haven't your experience, we have all been kicked in the head and after some time have faced the world again. I know that it doesn't seem possible right now, but it will come.
After the death of my twin sister's daughter, who I was helping raise, (she was murdered by an arsonist who set fire to her apartment building as she slept) my husband and I could barely talk to anyone other than my family. I'll never forget the look on my twin's face when she came home after she picked out her daughter's casket.
It definitely changed her, and I don't know how she went on, but she did after a while.
Being kind to yourself also should include some therapy (if you don't already go) so that you can vent and get rid of some of your anger and hurt. Please keep us updated.

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@yangedd

Hi @gingerw I do not want any kind of contact with any of them ever again.

I know I can slowly recover from this alone and intend to do that.

Thank you for the reply.

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Hello @yangedd

Your feelings of never wanting contact with your family again is certainly understandable given the disappointment that you feel right now.

I am a bit concerned that you state, "I know I can slowly recover from this alone and intend to do that." Please remember that we are "better together" and even if you don't have contact with your brother again, you need someone in your corner to listen and care about you. So try to reach out to safe people in your world and share your feelings and thoughts with those people. Going it alone can be a tricky path, a guide to take you down the path to recovery is generally better.

Will you post again and let us know how you are feeling?

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@parus

@yangedd Those racing thoughts are awful. Just want them to stop and cannot seem to get them to stop. No rest or sleep in this state. Try not to punish yourself and hope the doctor can help. Racing thoughts are dreadfully painful.

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Hi @parus

You too?

They are awful I totally agree. I was up all night last night because my head was racing and I was getting agitated and restless.

Dr. Naughton will be seeing me at 2:30pm so I am going to request some more Halcion and some Diazepam on PRN too because I'm becoming very stressed out and that's not a good thing for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder as we tend to become paranoid under those circumstances.

I did something today which I don't know is right or wrong but I bought Cannibas to relax me. I haven't smoked it and don't know if I even will, but it's basically an escape route for me.

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@yangedd

Hi @parus

You too?

They are awful I totally agree. I was up all night last night because my head was racing and I was getting agitated and restless.

Dr. Naughton will be seeing me at 2:30pm so I am going to request some more Halcion and some Diazepam on PRN too because I'm becoming very stressed out and that's not a good thing for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder as we tend to become paranoid under those circumstances.

I did something today which I don't know is right or wrong but I bought Cannibas to relax me. I haven't smoked it and don't know if I even will, but it's basically an escape route for me.

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@yangedd So glad you will see your Dr today. If you decide to use the cannabis, you may want to check possible interactions with other medications. There may not be any effect, but there may be optimal times to use it after dosing with Halcion or Diazepam. I use CBD oil 10 mg once or twice a day, for anti-inflammatory and anxiety relief.
Please let us know how things work out today. We care.
Ginger

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Thanks very much everyone. I will certainly keep all of you updated once I'm finished with my appointment. I won't dose on Diazepam if I do decide to smoke it though because I imagine mixing a tranquilizer with cannabis would probably leave me passed out on the floor. Will reply again later to let you guys know how it all went.

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@yangedd

Hi @parus

You too?

They are awful I totally agree. I was up all night last night because my head was racing and I was getting agitated and restless.

Dr. Naughton will be seeing me at 2:30pm so I am going to request some more Halcion and some Diazepam on PRN too because I'm becoming very stressed out and that's not a good thing for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder as we tend to become paranoid under those circumstances.

I did something today which I don't know is right or wrong but I bought Cannibas to relax me. I haven't smoked it and don't know if I even will, but it's basically an escape route for me.

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@yangedd So hear you about escape routes. I hope you get some relief.
Let us know.

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@yangedd

I just reread all your posts, and something stood out to me that I hadn't noticed before. When you wrote about your partner, you said he got a job in Dublin. Are you gay? I'm asking because my son is gay, and he had a lot of family issues when he was younger that are still problems between him and his dad. He's 48 now, and he's my only biological child. Please let me know if you are willing to share this information, as that may be a large part of your brother's issues with you. I love my son and completely accept him as he is, so have no fear about how I will respond to you should you decide to share this information.

I'm so sorry to hear that your meeting didn't happen as you had planned. It sounds as if you two didn't even see each other; is that correct? If not, did you speak on the phone or communicate over text? What was said that caused your anger and his to arise? It's so difficult to read words and not put emotions in them that may not be there in reality. Years ago I decided to get counseling due to issues from my childhood that resulted in PTSD, and depression. In counseling I had to learn how to express my tremendous anger, of which I wasn't even aware at first, in ways that didn't blast away everyone in my life. It is possible to express anger without "acting it out." To learn these skills, you may want to find a Gestalt and Multi-modal therapist. I was in counseling for a long time–many years, and it's one of the best things I have ever done! The skills I learned have served me well throughout my life. I have not however, been able to establish good relationships with one older brother (who sexual abused me as a child) or with my sister who has borderline personality and is toxic for me. However, I do have close and dear friends for life with whom I have loving relationships. I recommend that you seek counseling.

Please keep in touch and if you are willing, share the answer to my first question. This year you can make your life what you want it to be, and what you desire deep in your soul. Peace. GailB

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@gailb

Yes, I'm gay, but that wasn't the issue. The real issue was the fact that he always landed on his feet and did not suffer the fate that I did at home with a violent alcoholic Father because he ran away and moved out of home, leaving me and my Ma to put up with all the crap that was thrown at us including me being molested by my Dad's cousin because he was too drunk to have protected me. Yes, I'm angry and yes I'm livid and I never want anything to do with him again. And now? Once again his life turned out wonderful and complete with his new son. The son I couldn't give my Ma because of my sexuality. I forgave my Da because he put aside his own devastation of my Ma's death to help me through that time.

My brother is dead to me.

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@yangedd– I'm thinking that that's a lot to put on your brother's shoulders. He had nothing to do with the continued abuse that your father reigned on both you and your mom because he left. And who could blame him? He wasn't responsible for your safety. Your mom should have taken care of that by leaving with you. Also there would be no way of knowing whether your brother would have been able to help or stop your father. Is he a lot older than you?
Sounds like this anger should still be directed toward your father because he's the one who drank. Why didn't your mom leave?
Being gay doesn't stop couples in adopting or conceiving children. I don't know what your life is now. Are you working? Can you and your partner afford a child? But do it for yourself and not out of competition with your brother. He didn't cause the way your life has turned out. You can't place blame on someone who made a success out of himself. I hope that you will re-think this all through.

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@yangedd

@gailb

Yes, I'm gay, but that wasn't the issue. The real issue was the fact that he always landed on his feet and did not suffer the fate that I did at home with a violent alcoholic Father because he ran away and moved out of home, leaving me and my Ma to put up with all the crap that was thrown at us including me being molested by my Dad's cousin because he was too drunk to have protected me. Yes, I'm angry and yes I'm livid and I never want anything to do with him again. And now? Once again his life turned out wonderful and complete with his new son. The son I couldn't give my Ma because of my sexuality. I forgave my Da because he put aside his own devastation of my Ma's death to help me through that time.

My brother is dead to me.

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Hi, @yangedd, thinking of you today and all the hard things you had to endure as a young person in your home with your violent alcoholic father. Sounds like it was and is hard to think that your brother did not have to go through all the things that you had to suffer.

Wondering how your appointment went with Dr. Naughton?

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It is interesting how a parent can single out one child to mistreat. So many here are survivors. We can go along doing okay and then something can hurl us back into the past. Can get back there rapidly and the journey back is arduous and painful.
I had been wondering about @yangedd so thank you @lisalucier for the reminder to check.

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sorries that this broke down , in some respects you tried and its genuinely time to move on and look after yourself .i am speaking from a perspective that my siblings want nothing to do with their disabled brother except when they are stressed and or need my financial imput .
They ignored and shitted on me when our mother died and dint agree having me as the executor of my mums estate and i made sure i met mums wishes and provide mostly for her daughters which i did. my eldest sister whom has come back from India a week ago actually emailed me expecting me to donate $100,000 to help her recovery .she hadnt spoken to me in 15 years and tore strips off and said you get on with getting mums estate sorted i need the monies and she didnt care about my grief and sadness and hurt and doing my best as an autistic .she didnt care about my grief and my hurts and simply fix it . life has moved on i heard from annother sister that she my eldest sister is mystified why i never speak to her at all .so they are blind and dumband we call it being gillianised .i have moved on i am ambivalent but shewill need support whilst she recovers but not meetingme

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@sirgalahad

sorries that this broke down , in some respects you tried and its genuinely time to move on and look after yourself .i am speaking from a perspective that my siblings want nothing to do with their disabled brother except when they are stressed and or need my financial imput .
They ignored and shitted on me when our mother died and dint agree having me as the executor of my mums estate and i made sure i met mums wishes and provide mostly for her daughters which i did. my eldest sister whom has come back from India a week ago actually emailed me expecting me to donate $100,000 to help her recovery .she hadnt spoken to me in 15 years and tore strips off and said you get on with getting mums estate sorted i need the monies and she didnt care about my grief and sadness and hurt and doing my best as an autistic .she didnt care about my grief and my hurts and simply fix it . life has moved on i heard from annother sister that she my eldest sister is mystified why i never speak to her at all .so they are blind and dumband we call it being gillianised .i have moved on i am ambivalent but shewill need support whilst she recovers but not meetingme

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@sirgalahad We cannot choose our blood family. We can choose our friends and cyber family here on Connect. I, for one, am glad you are here.
Ginger

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thankyou M/S Ginger that is wonderful and bear hugs Marmacita needs a lot of support at this juncture send lots of hugs and ears to hear her

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@parus

It is interesting how a parent can single out one child to mistreat. So many here are survivors. We can go along doing okay and then something can hurl us back into the past. Can get back there rapidly and the journey back is arduous and painful.
I had been wondering about @yangedd so thank you @lisalucier for the reminder to check.

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@merpreb I am considering trying EMDR for PTSD which has started robbing me of so much life. I talked with the therapist I have been seeing occasionally and there are a couple of therapists she knows that are trained in this area as in went to classes opposed to watching a YouTube video and saying they are trained. Any input?

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