Reunion With Brother After Years (Severe Anxiety)

Posted by EdCork @yangedd, Dec 4, 2018

Hi guys,

Sorry I haven't been on in days, but going through quite an emotional and anxiety ridden time. As people know, my Ma (Mum) passed away in 2010 from Colon Cancer. I then left my hometown with my partner and moved to Dublin as he got a job offer with a very prestigious company, thus cutting my family out of my life during a very bad time in my life where my addiction to alcohol spiralled out of control. My nephew was born during the summer, and because of not being in contact with my brother I have never met him. Thankfully, with the help of a dear friend who kindly acted as a mediator, myself and my brother have agreed to make contact with each other after a very, very long time. My friend, Freda, sent me pictures of my nephew and I guess I am very emotional and sad, yet positive that things can work out after all these years just in time for Christmas. Because the anxiety is so bad I've been taking 50mg Lyrica x2 daily and also 40mg Propranolol x2 daily for the last three days. I didn't sleep a wink last night with everything in my head so I actually went to the pharmacy and collected one 0.25mg Halcion, which are on PRN to help me tonight. I guess with the festive season coming in I feel not so great, but am really trying to be positive and look to the future.

@lisalucier

Hi, @yangedd – I am so sorry to hear that things did not go to plan and that you didn't come face to face in a reunion with your brother. I can imagine that would indeed feel devastating. From what you said before it sounded like you had been filled with hope about this relationship and the reunion. It's completely okay that you were not in a place to interact with anyone before. Good to hear from you now, though.

Spending a holiday alone is really hard.

I'm glad your medical team has been with you through this and that you are going back for another visit.

Another discussion you might be interested in looking at and participating on Connect is this one on self harm https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/selfharm.

You mentioned being isolated at the moment. You'd also talked about your partner at one time, and your friend Freda. Are either of them or someone else available at this time to help you walk through this?

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Hi @lisalucier and thanks for the reply.

I'm afraid that myself and Freda are no longer friends as I lashed out dramatically and the friendship ended in a highly charged confrontation.

The few people that I have had contact with I seemed to lash out at in anger at. I was furious with everyone for the past two weeks.

I have decided that I no longer want any contact with anyone from my hometown and have deleted Facebook and Messenger from my phone as not to communicate with them.

I got into an argument with a few of them and in my anger delivered a lot of home truths to them, none of which I am sorry about in fact because I feel that the hypocrisy among all of those people is rife.

I want to live my life alone from now on because I absolutely refuse to let anyone hurt me ever again. I'm going to shield myself from all the hurt and pain that people can inflict on me.

I'm even thinking of going very, very far away from Ireland and forgetting all about the so called family and friends that I no longer want to know.

I did keep in contact with my MHT yes, but only because they would have been breathing down my neck otherwise.

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@yangedd

Hi @lisalucier

Things did not at all go to plan. Resentment and past hurts bubbled to the surface and we didn't even come face to face.

I spent all of this Christmas alone and by myself. It was 6pm when I got out of bed on Christmas night because I couldn't face the day alone.

I've been on strong sleeping pills (Halcion 0.25mg) all through the holiday and was so bad I thought of ending it all, but thank God for my medical team who got involved and saw me through.

I'm isolated at the moment and haven't been communicating with anyone, just taking my pills and getting through each day as best I can.

Sorry for the very late reply but I just wasn't in a place to interact with anyone.

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@yangedd Like the others, I am saddened to here your anticipated reunion did not happen. Remember that the both of you had expectations, and emotions, and the trauma of a long silence. It sounds like it may not have been all on you, so I hope you can be gentle on yourself. Very glad you reached out and sought help. If you are wanting to reestablish communication with some of those you lashed out at, perhaps a sincere explanation from you will pave the way? We are here for you.
Ginger

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@gingerw

@yangedd Like the others, I am saddened to here your anticipated reunion did not happen. Remember that the both of you had expectations, and emotions, and the trauma of a long silence. It sounds like it may not have been all on you, so I hope you can be gentle on yourself. Very glad you reached out and sought help. If you are wanting to reestablish communication with some of those you lashed out at, perhaps a sincere explanation from you will pave the way? We are here for you.
Ginger

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Hi @gingerw I do not want any kind of contact with any of them ever again.

I know I can slowly recover from this alone and intend to do that.

Thank you for the reply.

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@yangedd

Hi @gingerw I do not want any kind of contact with any of them ever again.

I know I can slowly recover from this alone and intend to do that.

Thank you for the reply.

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@yangedd For me to say you are not alone in how you feel sounds shallow and trite. I will say it still. Sorry for the disappointment. Your cyber care and support is still here. I am disappointed this did not play out for you.

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@yangedd

Hi @lisalucier and thanks for the reply.

I'm afraid that myself and Freda are no longer friends as I lashed out dramatically and the friendship ended in a highly charged confrontation.

The few people that I have had contact with I seemed to lash out at in anger at. I was furious with everyone for the past two weeks.

I have decided that I no longer want any contact with anyone from my hometown and have deleted Facebook and Messenger from my phone as not to communicate with them.

I got into an argument with a few of them and in my anger delivered a lot of home truths to them, none of which I am sorry about in fact because I feel that the hypocrisy among all of those people is rife.

I want to live my life alone from now on because I absolutely refuse to let anyone hurt me ever again. I'm going to shield myself from all the hurt and pain that people can inflict on me.

I'm even thinking of going very, very far away from Ireland and forgetting all about the so called family and friends that I no longer want to know.

I did keep in contact with my MHT yes, but only because they would have been breathing down my neck otherwise.

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@yangedd I have been thinking the same things myself. I could easily say the same things. Hurt and anger are uncomfortable and painful. All of this inside and nothing to do with it. Try not to make decisions in the state. If reading those words is irksome I can understand as there have been times those very words further infuriated me. My concern is for only you. Keep sharing.

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@yangedd

Thanks @ainsleigh

I just feel so emotionally devastated. I've been so angry for the past few weeks and almost resorted to self harming again. I went and bought razor blades and sat there for a good hour wanting to do it but I didn't.

Christmas has never been a good time for me since my Ma's death and I fooled myself into thinking that this year would make up for all the ones that were terrible. Who was I kidding?

Dr. Naughton is back tomorrow so I'm going to go to her to get more sleeping pills and possibly some Diazepam to stop all the racing thoughts that going over and over in my head.

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@yangedd Those racing thoughts are awful. Just want them to stop and cannot seem to get them to stop. No rest or sleep in this state. Try not to punish yourself and hope the doctor can help. Racing thoughts are dreadfully painful.

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@yangedd

Hi @lisalucier

Things did not at all go to plan. Resentment and past hurts bubbled to the surface and we didn't even come face to face.

I spent all of this Christmas alone and by myself. It was 6pm when I got out of bed on Christmas night because I couldn't face the day alone.

I've been on strong sleeping pills (Halcion 0.25mg) all through the holiday and was so bad I thought of ending it all, but thank God for my medical team who got involved and saw me through.

I'm isolated at the moment and haven't been communicating with anyone, just taking my pills and getting through each day as best I can.

Sorry for the very late reply but I just wasn't in a place to interact with anyone.

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@yangedd- I am very sorry that you did not reunite with your brother after all the anticipation and hoping that took place. I can only imagine how this made you feel. The devastation and anger that you feel, and perhaps betrayal are perfectly natural. After some time burrowing in your cocoon it will then be time to start your life again.
All though most of us haven't your experience, we have all been kicked in the head and after some time have faced the world again. I know that it doesn't seem possible right now, but it will come.
After the death of my twin sister's daughter, who I was helping raise, (she was murdered by an arsonist who set fire to her apartment building as she slept) my husband and I could barely talk to anyone other than my family. I'll never forget the look on my twin's face when she came home after she picked out her daughter's casket.
It definitely changed her, and I don't know how she went on, but she did after a while.
Being kind to yourself also should include some therapy (if you don't already go) so that you can vent and get rid of some of your anger and hurt. Please keep us updated.

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@yangedd

Hi @gingerw I do not want any kind of contact with any of them ever again.

I know I can slowly recover from this alone and intend to do that.

Thank you for the reply.

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Hello @yangedd

Your feelings of never wanting contact with your family again is certainly understandable given the disappointment that you feel right now.

I am a bit concerned that you state, "I know I can slowly recover from this alone and intend to do that." Please remember that we are "better together" and even if you don't have contact with your brother again, you need someone in your corner to listen and care about you. So try to reach out to safe people in your world and share your feelings and thoughts with those people. Going it alone can be a tricky path, a guide to take you down the path to recovery is generally better.

Will you post again and let us know how you are feeling?

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@parus

@yangedd Those racing thoughts are awful. Just want them to stop and cannot seem to get them to stop. No rest or sleep in this state. Try not to punish yourself and hope the doctor can help. Racing thoughts are dreadfully painful.

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Hi @parus

You too?

They are awful I totally agree. I was up all night last night because my head was racing and I was getting agitated and restless.

Dr. Naughton will be seeing me at 2:30pm so I am going to request some more Halcion and some Diazepam on PRN too because I'm becoming very stressed out and that's not a good thing for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder as we tend to become paranoid under those circumstances.

I did something today which I don't know is right or wrong but I bought Cannibas to relax me. I haven't smoked it and don't know if I even will, but it's basically an escape route for me.

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@yangedd

Hi @parus

You too?

They are awful I totally agree. I was up all night last night because my head was racing and I was getting agitated and restless.

Dr. Naughton will be seeing me at 2:30pm so I am going to request some more Halcion and some Diazepam on PRN too because I'm becoming very stressed out and that's not a good thing for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder as we tend to become paranoid under those circumstances.

I did something today which I don't know is right or wrong but I bought Cannibas to relax me. I haven't smoked it and don't know if I even will, but it's basically an escape route for me.

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@yangedd So glad you will see your Dr today. If you decide to use the cannabis, you may want to check possible interactions with other medications. There may not be any effect, but there may be optimal times to use it after dosing with Halcion or Diazepam. I use CBD oil 10 mg once or twice a day, for anti-inflammatory and anxiety relief.
Please let us know how things work out today. We care.
Ginger

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Thanks very much everyone. I will certainly keep all of you updated once I'm finished with my appointment. I won't dose on Diazepam if I do decide to smoke it though because I imagine mixing a tranquilizer with cannabis would probably leave me passed out on the floor. Will reply again later to let you guys know how it all went.

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@yangedd

Hi @parus

You too?

They are awful I totally agree. I was up all night last night because my head was racing and I was getting agitated and restless.

Dr. Naughton will be seeing me at 2:30pm so I am going to request some more Halcion and some Diazepam on PRN too because I'm becoming very stressed out and that's not a good thing for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder as we tend to become paranoid under those circumstances.

I did something today which I don't know is right or wrong but I bought Cannibas to relax me. I haven't smoked it and don't know if I even will, but it's basically an escape route for me.

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@yangedd So hear you about escape routes. I hope you get some relief.
Let us know.

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