@yangedd What a delightful age! Being nervous is normal I would think. Also uncomfortable!! I imagine your will be thrilled to hug this little one. It would be hard to let go of past hurts too. It is good your brother wants you to meet his son. You are now an uncle.

@yangedd I have thought a lot about your posts since you started them a couple of days ago, and can well imagine the wide range of emotions! Remember that you are "good enough", remember that your brother may be having the same emotions and trepidation, remember to take a camera to record this occasion, remember to get good rest, remember to breathe and relax the day of. I know, easier said than done, right? You may have a chance to talk about how the chasm developed, but if not, that's ok, it can be addressed later if you both agree.
This time of year is fraught with heightened senses and emotions anyway, so please feel that you can forgive yourself and those around you for lapses in manners.
While I have contact with only one of my four siblings, I know that it "takes two". Be willing to work on the relationship, bask in the warmth of reconnection, and be flexible.
We will be backing you up, here at the cyber table!
Ginger

I wasn't aware of his age. How great that he will have a caring relative in his life! I'm sure you will enjoy him.

@parus @hopeful33250 @gingerw

Thank you guys. Yeah, can't actually wait to meet my little nephew. I've been sent so many pictures of him in the last few days and it's been an emotional worldwind. The one with my brother, dad and nephew has made me realize that family is important and I've been missing out on all that.

I'm going to go up town this evening and pick out something nice for our dinner/meeting on Friday because I really do want to make an impression.

Was up all night again just going over things and how it all went so wrong, and I played a huge part in that (I still harbor feelings of immense guilt for leaving for Dublin so soon after my Mum's death while my Dad nearly drank himself to death and ended up having the stroke. My family needed me and I chose the easy way out by moving 300 miles away with my partner because I couldn't cope with her death myself).

I went to the Pharmacy this morning and collected Lyrica 2x 50mg but haven't taken any so far because I want to get through this period of apprehensive anxiety without the use of extra meds. My prescription for Halcion has expired, but the pharmacist told me that if I need more to go to my Doctor in the morning and she will have no problems giving it to me.

I dropped off for two hours just a while ago. I really needed it because I was exhausted to be honest and running on caffeine (Not a good idea when you're already a nervous wreck) and cigarettes alone. It felt amazing to just shut off and get some sleep, even for that little period of time.

The one thing myself and my brother have not discussed or touched on in the last two days is mum. I so deeply want to tell that she would be so proud of him becoming a Dad and herself becoming a Grandmother but I don't want to upset the apple cart. Perhaps in time to come,

Ed

@yangedd I think when you meet with the them you will do what your heart thinks is best. You do not know what they will say and
vice versa.

@parus

I think you are right. This time tomorrow we'll be sitting down to meal. The heart won't lie,

Ed

@yangedd – how did the reunion go with your brother?

Hi @lisalucier

Things did not at all go to plan. Resentment and past hurts bubbled to the surface and we didn't even come face to face.

I spent all of this Christmas alone and by myself. It was 6pm when I got out of bed on Christmas night because I couldn't face the day alone.

I've been on strong sleeping pills (Halcion 0.25mg) all through the holiday and was so bad I thought of ending it all, but thank God for my medical team who got involved and saw me through.

I'm isolated at the moment and haven't been communicating with anyone, just taking my pills and getting through each day as best I can.

Sorry for the very late reply but I just wasn't in a place to interact with anyone.

@yangedd- hi Ed- I was so very sorry to hear that things did not turn out well. It must have been truly devastating. Please know that while you may be alone physically- here in cyberspace you are far from alone. There are so many of us who feel for you and want you to know that we are thinking of you and are hoping that you will find serenity in the days ahead. Hang in there my friend!
With all best wishes
Ainsleigh

Thanks @ainsleigh

I just feel so emotionally devastated. I've been so angry for the past few weeks and almost resorted to self harming again. I went and bought razor blades and sat there for a good hour wanting to do it but I didn't.

Christmas has never been a good time for me since my Ma's death and I fooled myself into thinking that this year would make up for all the ones that were terrible. Who was I kidding?

Dr. Naughton is back tomorrow so I'm going to go to her to get more sleeping pills and possibly some Diazepam to stop all the racing thoughts that going over and over in my head.

Hello @yangedd

I too am sorry to hear that your meeting was not constructive, that is too bad. I'm glad that you found support through your medical team.

When you feel better will you post again? We will be here and ready to listen.

Hi, @yangedd – I am so sorry to hear that things did not go to plan and that you didn't come face to face in a reunion with your brother. I can imagine that would indeed feel devastating. From what you said before it sounded like you had been filled with hope about this relationship and the reunion. It's completely okay that you were not in a place to interact with anyone before. Good to hear from you now, though.

Spending a holiday alone is really hard.

I'm glad your medical team has been with you through this and that you are going back for another visit.

Another discussion you might be interested in looking at and participating on Connect is this one on self harm https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/selfharm.

You mentioned being isolated at the moment. You'd also talked about your partner at one time, and your friend Freda. Are either of them or someone else available at this time to help you walk through this?