@parus @hopeful33250 @gingerw

Thank you guys. Yeah, can't actually wait to meet my little nephew. I've been sent so many pictures of him in the last few days and it's been an emotional worldwind. The one with my brother, dad and nephew has made me realize that family is important and I've been missing out on all that.

I'm going to go up town this evening and pick out something nice for our dinner/meeting on Friday because I really do want to make an impression.

Was up all night again just going over things and how it all went so wrong, and I played a huge part in that (I still harbor feelings of immense guilt for leaving for Dublin so soon after my Mum's death while my Dad nearly drank himself to death and ended up having the stroke. My family needed me and I chose the easy way out by moving 300 miles away with my partner because I couldn't cope with her death myself).

I went to the Pharmacy this morning and collected Lyrica 2x 50mg but haven't taken any so far because I want to get through this period of apprehensive anxiety without the use of extra meds. My prescription for Halcion has expired, but the pharmacist told me that if I need more to go to my Doctor in the morning and she will have no problems giving it to me.

I dropped off for two hours just a while ago. I really needed it because I was exhausted to be honest and running on caffeine (Not a good idea when you're already a nervous wreck) and cigarettes alone. It felt amazing to just shut off and get some sleep, even for that little period of time.

The one thing myself and my brother have not discussed or touched on in the last two days is mum. I so deeply want to tell that she would be so proud of him becoming a Dad and herself becoming a Grandmother but I don't want to upset the apple cart. Perhaps in time to come,

Ed

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@parus

I think you are right. This time tomorrow we'll be sitting down to meal. The heart won't lie,

Ed

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@yangedd – how did the reunion go with your brother?

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Hi @lisalucier

Things did not at all go to plan. Resentment and past hurts bubbled to the surface and we didn't even come face to face.

I spent all of this Christmas alone and by myself. It was 6pm when I got out of bed on Christmas night because I couldn't face the day alone.

I've been on strong sleeping pills (Halcion 0.25mg) all through the holiday and was so bad I thought of ending it all, but thank God for my medical team who got involved and saw me through.

I'm isolated at the moment and haven't been communicating with anyone, just taking my pills and getting through each day as best I can.

Sorry for the very late reply but I just wasn't in a place to interact with anyone.

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@yangedd– hi Ed- I was so very sorry to hear that things did not turn out well. It must have been truly devastating. Please know that while you may be alone physically- here in cyberspace you are far from alone. There are so many of us who feel for you and want you to know that we are thinking of you and are hoping that you will find serenity in the days ahead. Hang in there my friend!
With all best wishes
Ainsleigh

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Thanks @ainsleigh

I just feel so emotionally devastated. I've been so angry for the past few weeks and almost resorted to self harming again. I went and bought razor blades and sat there for a good hour wanting to do it but I didn't.

Christmas has never been a good time for me since my Ma's death and I fooled myself into thinking that this year would make up for all the ones that were terrible. Who was I kidding?

Dr. Naughton is back tomorrow so I'm going to go to her to get more sleeping pills and possibly some Diazepam to stop all the racing thoughts that going over and over in my head.

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Hi, @yangedd – I am so sorry to hear that things did not go to plan and that you didn't come face to face in a reunion with your brother. I can imagine that would indeed feel devastating. From what you said before it sounded like you had been filled with hope about this relationship and the reunion. It's completely okay that you were not in a place to interact with anyone before. Good to hear from you now, though.

Spending a holiday alone is really hard.

I'm glad your medical team has been with you through this and that you are going back for another visit.

Another discussion you might be interested in looking at and participating on Connect is this one on self harm https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/selfharm.

You mentioned being isolated at the moment. You'd also talked about your partner at one time, and your friend Freda. Are either of them or someone else available at this time to help you walk through this?

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Hi @lisalucier

Things did not at all go to plan. Resentment and past hurts bubbled to the surface and we didn't even come face to face.

I spent all of this Christmas alone and by myself. It was 6pm when I got out of bed on Christmas night because I couldn't face the day alone.

I've been on strong sleeping pills (Halcion 0.25mg) all through the holiday and was so bad I thought of ending it all, but thank God for my medical team who got involved and saw me through.

I'm isolated at the moment and haven't been communicating with anyone, just taking my pills and getting through each day as best I can.

Sorry for the very late reply but I just wasn't in a place to interact with anyone.

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@yangedd Like the others, I am saddened to here your anticipated reunion did not happen. Remember that the both of you had expectations, and emotions, and the trauma of a long silence. It sounds like it may not have been all on you, so I hope you can be gentle on yourself. Very glad you reached out and sought help. If you are wanting to reestablish communication with some of those you lashed out at, perhaps a sincere explanation from you will pave the way? We are here for you.
Ginger

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Hi @gingerw I do not want any kind of contact with any of them ever again.

I know I can slowly recover from this alone and intend to do that.

Thank you for the reply.

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Hi @lisalucier and thanks for the reply.

I'm afraid that myself and Freda are no longer friends as I lashed out dramatically and the friendship ended in a highly charged confrontation.

The few people that I have had contact with I seemed to lash out at in anger at. I was furious with everyone for the past two weeks.

I have decided that I no longer want any contact with anyone from my hometown and have deleted Facebook and Messenger from my phone as not to communicate with them.

I got into an argument with a few of them and in my anger delivered a lot of home truths to them, none of which I am sorry about in fact because I feel that the hypocrisy among all of those people is rife.

I want to live my life alone from now on because I absolutely refuse to let anyone hurt me ever again. I'm going to shield myself from all the hurt and pain that people can inflict on me.

I'm even thinking of going very, very far away from Ireland and forgetting all about the so called family and friends that I no longer want to know.

I did keep in contact with my MHT yes, but only because they would have been breathing down my neck otherwise.

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Thanks @ainsleigh

I just feel so emotionally devastated. I've been so angry for the past few weeks and almost resorted to self harming again. I went and bought razor blades and sat there for a good hour wanting to do it but I didn't.

Christmas has never been a good time for me since my Ma's death and I fooled myself into thinking that this year would make up for all the ones that were terrible. Who was I kidding?

Dr. Naughton is back tomorrow so I'm going to go to her to get more sleeping pills and possibly some Diazepam to stop all the racing thoughts that going over and over in my head.

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