Respite dilemma

@jphilpo, just checking in. What did you decide would be best for you? Will you take the trip?

@mimi947, welcome. Are you also caring for someone living with dementia? How do you find respite?

@colleenyoung
I appreciate the question.
I am the caretaker for my husband who has dementia and am fortunate to share a home with my daughter and her family . She is a great support to me and her children are very kind to both of us. Unfortunately my husband's alcoholism always played a significant role in his relationships and overall function. At my insistence and as a condition of his remaining in the house he has attended AA for several years but never worked the program.
It has been a nightmare to suspect and then confirm the diagnosis and realize that financially the only option is that he remain in the home. I have researched respite and know that with the help of my 4 children, I could place him there for a week or two at most each year to have a break.
My own doctor urged me to request rehab prior to returning home if he ever gets hospitalized . I do keep that in mind but he is physically healthy despite his many years of active alcoholism.
I do look back and wish I had worked through these issues long before reaching retirement age.

@colleenyoung
Thanks so much for checking in. We decided to put my husband in a nice self pay memory care facility for one month. I could never afford it on my own, but my son is kind enough to pay for it. He isn’t happy about it at all, but he doesn’t understand his issues and I need a break. When we return, I will begin looking for Medicaid waiver homes.

@mimi947 If you aren’t already in touch, please Google your County name, followed by “Area Agency on Aging”. Every USA county has one, federally funded. You can call for an appointment, the staff there will have lots of information and suggestions for you, they can guide you through every step of the MA-51 application process.
If your husband is a Veteran, often the county VA office shares space with them (it does in our rural county), or you can Google “Veterans Administration office near me”. Call and make an appointment, they’ll have lots of information about VA facilities with Assistive Living and then Nursing Home levels of care. The VA does a different application form/process, the spend-down costs and out-of-pocket are less than Medicaid requires.

My husband, too, was a mean, angry, explosive alcoholic, I was afraid of him, afraid of what he would do if I tried to leave. So I did the best I could to keep peace in the household and the finances in shape. He finally went to AA when his MD told him he was going to die soon if he didn’t stop (liver values), that scared him. He went with me to his first AA meeting, stopped drinking, worked the program, but when he came to Step 9, couldn’t bring himself to complete- ha.
He has had to go into Assistive Living for big health issues, but his LTC insurance coverage stops in 2027, so I’m working on the VA route. The closest VA facility is an hour away, but one thing mean alcoholics don’t consider is that the miserable life they gift to their spouses depletes the savings account of good will, so what has to be done will be done, without guilt or angst on my part.

Don’t second-guess yourself. I tell myself “I did the best I could, under very trying circumstances”. I repeat that to myself when I start the woulda, coulda, shoulda sequence, then I start singing a jumpy hymn to stop going down that wormhole- “I Serve a Risen Savior” does it for me 🤣

@centre

I appreciate your suggestions regarding care for my husband and more importantly that you told a life story similar to mine. I have hesitated to make comments because I always felt my story was different . Like you woulda, coulda, shoulda, was haunting me but am working hard to take good care of myself and ask for help when I need it.
Thank you!

@mimi947 I’m sure, like me, over the years, living with an alcoholic, you were also haunted by a tiny voice asking, Why me?”. With participating in Mayo Connect, I’ve found my answer.
Esther is asked (4:16) “And who knows but that you have come to your …position for such a time as this.”
Having similar experiences in life that you understand what others may be feeling, sharing tips and ideas, being open to suggestions, we help each other in a very positive and meaningful way. I know you have helped someone else with your reply’s honesty- who knows but that you have come to such a time as this to help another.