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Reaching Out

Posted by Anonymous-e18eb991 in Mental Health, Oct 31, 2011

I am new to the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. I am 44 and moved from my home state 3 years ago following my husband's career. I had a really crappy childhood with a father diagnosed as a sexual addict and a mother who physically abused us ... but the worst abuse was the mental abuse that both parents played with their hatred and lies. Sexual, physical and mental abuse was my norm ... much of which I let continue even through my adult years. I grew up with a strong attitude of "I'll prove to the world that I'm not trash like my parents and I will be successful" .. so I married young to a man who was OCD (but had money) and had a huge temper but being abused was all I knew ... so I thought it was great and really the best I could do. At least I was out of my abusive childhood home. We had two beautiful children.. I was a straight A student and a role model employee ... and a good mom --- not great - but good. I finally divorced him after years of his control when my girls were 11 and 14 and my career was bringing me a lot of self esteem. Unfortunately, my ex told my girls I cheated on him with a co-workers which was a total lie but my girls didn't want to live with me anymore. I did NOT cheat on him. I was left totally distraught. My whole life, the only family I had, was my two girls ... but I lost them by finally standing up for myself. All I had left was my career ---- and so I started my work addiction. My mother was back in my life at this point ... with her neverending self-esteem eliminating comments. My Ex was out to make my life hell, and my two teenage daughters didn't know whether to believe me or not. They knew my mom and my dad were both "crazies" and so their dad told them I was "crazy" too. My girls now know I did not cheat on their dad, but they both know I have some mental health issues ... so they stay away from me. But - the divorce is when I believe my depression started and grew painfully worse day by day ... although I wasn't diagnosed and didn't see a Dr. My constant crying pushed my girls away even more .... they didn't know what to do with me. My girls are 21 and 24 now and have their own lives. I only see them a couple times a year now and my heart aches. Shortly after we (my 2nd husband and I) moved 3 years ago, I was robbed in our church parking lot and had my purse and my identify stolen. My new husband's son, who was 17 and a total terror with drugs and alcohol and verbal abuse, moved with us. He and I fought all the time. The nightmares started immediately after that and memories of my childhood and sexual abuse came back strong ... stuff I had buried deep and kept fighting through life to su overcome and forget cae back with extreme shame and hurt. I had nightmares that my girls were being killed in terrible ways -- both natural and by human criminal hands. I was doing great in my career though. I Made a huge bonus this year but I was doing nothing but working 100 hours a week out of my home ... even at night so I wouldn't sleep. It was the only thing I had. My marriage was suffering. I had no friends. Didn't leave my house and my depression got much worse. My new husband and I were trying to make new friends by frequenting some local bars. I slowly started drinking more and more when we would go out on the weekends. I began volunteering at a local Legion which was great but not great at the same time because it gave me more time to drink. My drinking was "binge" drinking in trying to feel comfortable enough to make friends .... and forget. I didn't drink at home or when I was alone so I didn't see myself as an alcoholic. I just couldn't function in public without a drink. finally, I tried to kill myself the day after St Patrick's Day thisyear following two days of totally binge drinking. Luckily, it didn't work ... so I quickly started plan B ... a very well planned funeral and suicide all arranged and organized as to make sure I didn't fail this time ... but my husband found out and took me to the hospital to have me committed. I was so angry at him for days ... until I had been sober long enough to realize what I mess I had become. I'm on meds now and WAS doing better, but not back to normal... but I thought I could drink a little again. I can't. I have one drink and it impacts me so bad for 2-3 days. If I don't fully recover and binge or drink a few again, it knocks me back to suicidal thoughts. If I can't get it together, I know I will end up killing myself or doing something stupid to get myself in trouble and or lose my marriage. My girls aready have a grandfather and greatgrandfather who killed themselves. They don't need me to do that as well. I've messed up my brain so bad, i can't work any more. I can't do simple numerical processing and I switch words around both written and verbally. I'm very embarassed and sensitive to it because it's not like me to not be perfect and "smart as a qhip" ... So - I quit my long-time career two months ago because I didn't want to even give them the chance of giving me a bad review (even though they were being great and told me to take the time I need to recover.) I thought I would start my own business. I don't have the passoin to start it though now that I've quit and have absolutely nothing to do.. I am a HUGE mess right now. Marriage is rocky. I have no job. I'm eating non-stop and have gained 40 pounds in the past 8-9 months. I just sit in my house and sleep 12+ hours a day. I tried volunteering full time but being around alcohol is not a good thing. Being around military personnel who are also depressed helps but doesn't help at the same time. I am a total mental mess but in reality, I know things aren't that bad ... but I just can't get through it all. I am going back to see my psych this week for more help but money is tight and he's expensive. I know this is a long post --- but it makes me feel better to throw it out there. It makes it real to me. Hopefully my story will help someone else to know they aren't alone. The journey to heal is not an easy one ... even for someone who "had it all" just a few months ago. I don't do well at making friends .... I know how to have good working relationships ... but not personal relationships or friends. So far, the two closest friends I've made ended up being either a drug addict or super bipilor person... which doesn't help me. I tried opening up to a third person but they told my story out of context so now I feel everyone is looking at me either like I'm nuts, an alcoholic ... or just a poor pitiful person. SO - now I don't even like going to the place where I use to volunteer. It's better I just stay in my bedrom. Going to AA or group meetings makes me anxious. I hate them too. I'm an awful person because I look at others in those meetings and think "I'm not that bad. What the hell am I doing here?" I don't want to eat because I'm fat so I'll not eat for two days ... Then I'll be so hungry I'll do nothing but eat for two days. I can sit and eat an entire box of candy bars and still be hungry and sad. I try to get a schedule written and try to make myself get out of the house ... but it isn't easy. I get sick at my stomach. I run a fever. I get chills. I need a program where I can live somewhere with someone who will force me to be accountable, force me to get up and also allow me to talk. I need someone who can be a good listener and help me process everything going on in my head so I can deal with me. A one hour discussion once a week isn't enough to help me. BUT - living in a home with nothing but heroin attiics in a place that doesn't feel clean and sanitary ... not a warm loving home ... sucks and doesn't help either. I have no family to turn to. My husband had to work many hours to keep making the money to pay for all my meds and keep a roof over our heads. He, unfortunately, has his own drinking problem, which doesn't help support me ... but I don't want to lose him. He's all I have. How can I get help? Where can I get help? Sorry for the long ramble...

Tags: mental health

tstewartsd likes this

Posted by @2, Nov 1, 2011

We have a few things in common & this is what is helping me now.
I agree 1hr a wk is not enough. Intermittently, between my 12+ hours of sleep a day, I started looking up every support group & mental health non-profit that I could find in search of options and resources. I was determined that it was not in my best interest to be alone & severely depressed but did not feel comfortable seeking medical help. I made it a goal to try and find a meeting or support group every night wether or not I felt like going. I managed to fill 3 to 4 nights a week over the last 2 mo. I spend a lot on fuel, manage to make myself late most of the time, pass on talking a lot, cry too often, & tell myself I'm going to quit going regularly for whatever reason...& then I just force myself to get ready & go again. This has gradually begun to make a tremendous difference even though I didn't think it was going to in the beginning. I attend adult children of alcoholics (includes dysfunctional families now) & will say it is nothing like AA. It appears the focus is entirely on the effects of childhood & the coping mechanisms developed from it. I haven't really started to face this issue but still benefit greatly from what I do manage to hear. In this case I actually thought people weren't as bad off as least, nobody else seemed to be a total mess. So, I added a NAMI/recovering from mental illness(includes depression) support group. There I feel "I'm not as bad" as some (diagnosis wise) yet find myself encouraged by their recovery, humor & insight. There are also support groups listed on the web for people who were sexually abused. I have a very difficult time talking & facing my problems or my past but will attempt a 3rd counseling session this week...not sure I can tolerate it. At least, now, my days have become mixed with laughter, positive social contact & being able to get up & go to work despite the fact I have a long ways to go in recovery.

Chrysallis likes this

Posted by Anonymous-aeaf6ea1, Nov 5, 2011

Hi Reaching Out,

I hope that you have considered what Anonymous wrote about the support groups. That sounds like a great place to start. I was wondering if you've ever heard of Joyce Meyer? She has a 30 minute TV show that might be helpful to you. She also has a website, although I have not been to it. I think it is called Joyce Meyer Ministries. My husband records her show sometimes and I watched it recently. She said she was 'sexually abused' as a child. Her story is quite amazing and in fact, I think it may have been her father that actually abused her. I don't know what that is like or what you are going through, however, I have suffered Major Depression, Recurrent diagnosis when I was married to my childrens' father over a decade ago.

I can truly relate with the custody issues and the terrible ways in which a residential parent can alienate or attempt to alienate children from their mother. If you ever want to discuss that, just let me know.


Posted by @tstewartsd, Nov 6, 2011

I agree with "anonymous" 100%. I have been in AA since 1985. I watch Joyce Meyer and read her books, Very supportive and insightful. I needed to get all the spiritual help as possible because the disease process is so powerful. Stcik with winners, AA and church. You alone can do it, but you cannot do it alone. Get to AA.
Call their hotline. Then watch Joyce Meyer. She is an incredible lady. Best o fluck to you! I will keep in touch.Terri, sober RN

Native Floridian likes this

Posted by @tstewartsd, Nov 9, 2011

Please make your blog public so that we can ask you to be our friend. Terri RN

Posted by Anonymous-95274fcf, Nov 13, 2011

is your husband going to aa too?


Posted by @peacekeeper, Nov 14, 2011

This has been removed for violation of our terms of use.


Posted by @roxie43, Nov 27, 2011

Thank you for sharing your story. We wound very similar with exception to drugs.
Trust that you have many better days ahead. It may not feel this way but from experience as someone that just wanted to die a couple of months ago if you hang in there and get help you will be ok. call your local lead mental health agency or your primary doctor and ask for a referral-needed nowadays w/most insurances anyway.
Be well.............


Posted by @tstewartsd, Jan 7, 2012

How you doing? I have not checked my site here for 23 days! "Reaching Out", do you have a screenname so i can invite you as a friend? Terri

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