Major Depressive Disorder and Reaching Out

I am new to the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. I am 44 and moved from my home state 3 years ago following my husband's career. I had a really crappy childhood with a father diagnosed as a sexual addict and a mother who physically abused us ... but the worst abuse was the mental abuse that both parents played with their hatred and lies. Sexual, physical and mental abuse was my norm ... much of which I let continue even through my adult years. I grew up with a strong attitude of "I'll prove to the world that I'm not trash like my parents and I will be successful" .. so I married young to a man who was OCD (but had money) and had a huge temper but being abused was all I knew ... so I thought it was great and really the best I could do. At least I was out of my abusive childhood home. We had two beautiful children.. I was a straight A student and a role model employee ... and a good mom --- not great - but good. I finally divorced him after years of his control when my girls were 11 and 14 and my career was bringing me a lot of self esteem. Unfortunately, my ex told my girls I cheated on him with a co-workers which was a total lie but my girls didn't want to live with me anymore. I did NOT cheat on him. I was left totally distraught. My whole life, the only family I had, was my two girls ... but I lost them by finally standing up for myself. All I had left was my career ---- and so I started my work addiction. My mother was back in my life at this point ... with her neverending self-esteem eliminating comments. My Ex was out to make my life hell, and my two teenage daughters didn't know whether to believe me or not. They knew my mom and my dad were both "crazies" and so their dad told them I was "crazy" too. My girls now know I did not cheat on their dad, but they both know I have some mental health issues ... so they stay away from me. But - the divorce is when I believe my depression started and grew painfully worse day by day ... although I wasn't diagnosed and didn't see a Dr. My constant crying pushed my girls away even more .... they didn't know what to do with me. My girls are 21 and 24 now and have their own lives. I only see them a couple times a year now and my heart aches. Shortly after we (my 2nd husband and I) moved 3 years ago, I was robbed in our church parking lot and had my purse and my identify stolen. My new husband's son, who was 17 and a total terror with drugs and alcohol and verbal abuse, moved with us. He and I fought all the time. The nightmares started immediately after that and memories of my childhood and sexual abuse came back strong ... stuff I had buried deep and kept fighting through life to su overcome and forget cae back with extreme shame and hurt. I had nightmares that my girls were being killed in terrible ways -- both natural and by human criminal hands. I was doing great in my career though. I Made a huge bonus this year but I was doing nothing but working 100 hours a week out of my home ... even at night so I wouldn't sleep. It was the only thing I had. My marriage was suffering. I had no friends. Didn't leave my house and my depression got much worse. My new husband and I were trying to make new friends by frequenting some local bars. I slowly started drinking more and more when we would go out on the weekends. I began volunteering at a local Legion which was great but not great at the same time because it gave me more time to drink. My drinking was "binge" drinking in trying to feel comfortable enough to make friends .... and forget. I didn't drink at home or when I was alone so I didn't see myself as an alcoholic. I just couldn't function in public without a drink. finally, I tried to kill myself the day after St Patrick's Day thisyear following two days of totally binge drinking. Luckily, it didn't work ... so I quickly started plan B ... a very well planned funeral and suicide all arranged and organized as to make sure I didn't fail this time ... but my husband found out and took me to the hospital to have me committed. I was so angry at him for days ... until I had been sober long enough to realize what I mess I had become. I'm on meds now and WAS doing better, but not back to normal... but I thought I could drink a little again. I can't. I have one drink and it impacts me so bad for 2-3 days. If I don't fully recover and binge or drink a few again, it knocks me back to suicidal thoughts. If I can't get it together, I know I will end up killing myself or doing something stupid to get myself in trouble and or lose my marriage. My girls aready have a grandfather and greatgrandfather who killed themselves. They don't need me to do that as well. I've messed up my brain so bad, i can't work any more. I can't do simple numerical processing and I switch words around both written and verbally. I'm very embarassed and sensitive to it because it's not like me to not be perfect and "smart as a qhip" ... So - I quit my long-time career two months ago because I didn't want to even give them the chance of giving me a bad review (even though they were being great and told me to take the time I need to recover.) I thought I would start my own business. I don't have the passoin to start it though now that I've quit and have absolutely nothing to do.. I am a HUGE mess right now. Marriage is rocky. I have no job. I'm eating non-stop and have gained 40 pounds in the past 8-9 months. I just sit in my house and sleep 12+ hours a day. I tried volunteering full time but being around alcohol is not a good thing. Being around military personnel who are also depressed helps but doesn't help at the same time. I am a total mental mess but in reality, I know things aren't that bad ... but I just can't get through it all. I am going back to see my psych this week for more help but money is tight and he's expensive. I know this is a long post --- but it makes me feel better to throw it out there. It makes it real to me. Hopefully my story will help someone else to know they aren't alone. The journey to heal is not an easy one ... even for someone who "had it all" just a few months ago. I don't do well at making friends .... I know how to have good working relationships ... but not personal relationships or friends. So far, the two closest friends I've made ended up being either a drug addict or super bipilor person... which doesn't help me. I tried opening up to a third person but they told my story out of context so now I feel everyone is looking at me either like I'm nuts, an alcoholic ... or just a poor pitiful person. SO - now I don't even like going to the place where I use to volunteer. It's better I just stay in my bedrom. Going to AA or group meetings makes me anxious. I hate them too. I'm an awful person because I look at others in those meetings and think "I'm not that bad. What the hell am I doing here?" I don't want to eat because I'm fat so I'll not eat for two days ... Then I'll be so hungry I'll do nothing but eat for two days. I can sit and eat an entire box of candy bars and still be hungry and sad. I try to get a schedule written and try to make myself get out of the house ... but it isn't easy. I get sick at my stomach. I run a fever. I get chills. I need a program where I can live somewhere with someone who will force me to be accountable, force me to get up and also allow me to talk. I need someone who can be a good listener and help me process everything going on in my head so I can deal with me. A one hour discussion once a week isn't enough to help me. BUT - living in a home with nothing but heroin attiics in a place that doesn't feel clean and sanitary ... not a warm loving home ... sucks and doesn't help either. I have no family to turn to. My husband had to work many hours to keep making the money to pay for all my meds and keep a roof over our heads. He, unfortunately, has his own drinking problem, which doesn't help support me ... but I don't want to lose him. He's all I have. How can I get help? Where can I get help? Sorry for the long ramble...