Problems with adult children

Posted by junkartist @junkartist, May 18 2:40pm

I haven't posted for a long time. Problems with adult children got worse. My youngest had my husband and I, plus his two siblings read a book called, "Running on Empty, How to Recover from Emotional Neglect". We did and had an online conversation with my youngest child, which was enlightening and showed me problems of which I was unaware/

The author of the book wrote that many good people could cause emotional neglect, but proceeded, in my opinion to be brutally critical of parents.

My other two children are not communicating with me for reasons of their own. It has about broken me.

Hello @junkartist,

I am sorry to hear of the major upset in your family. Feeling estranged from your adult children has got to be heartbreaking.

As there is nothing you can do to change their feelings, I would strongly suggest that you give them time to adjust to these new feelings. If you do have the opportunity to talk to them, let them know that you respect their feelings and you would love to have a relationship with them again when they are ready. Be open to what they express and try not to judge their feelings

Are there grandchildren involved that you will miss seeing?

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@hopeful33250

Hello @junkartist,

I am sorry to hear of the major upset in your family. Feeling estranged from your adult children has got to be heartbreaking.

As there is nothing you can do to change their feelings, I would strongly suggest that you give them time to adjust to these new feelings. If you do have the opportunity to talk to them, let them know that you respect their feelings and you would love to have a relationship with them again when they are ready. Be open to what they express and try not to judge their feelings

Are there grandchildren involved that you will miss seeing?

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No grandchildren in sight. Another heartbreak

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@junkartist

No grandchildren in sight. Another heartbreak

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Everything I say to them seems to be the wrong thing to say

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@junkartist

Everything I say to them seems to be the wrong thing to say

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That is a tough place to be, @junkartist. Do you think they would be receptive to cards and letters that might affirm your love for them?

It might be a way to express your feelings for them and to keep the lines of communication open. I'm not sure how it would be received, but you might consider doing so down the road.

We have a discussion group on Journaling, which you might take a look at, Journaling – The Write Stuff For You?
Here is the link, https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/journaling-the-write-stuff-for-you/t. It has examples of the ways people journal about their feelings.

Keep talking about your feelings of loss and disappointment. Believe it or not, this is healthy and will be good for you.

I care about you. Will you keep posting and provide updates on how you are doing?

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@hopeful33250

That is a tough place to be, @junkartist. Do you think they would be receptive to cards and letters that might affirm your love for them?

It might be a way to express your feelings for them and to keep the lines of communication open. I'm not sure how it would be received, but you might consider doing so down the road.

We have a discussion group on Journaling, which you might take a look at, Journaling – The Write Stuff For You?
Here is the link, https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/journaling-the-write-stuff-for-you/t. It has examples of the ways people journal about their feelings.

Keep talking about your feelings of loss and disappointment. Believe it or not, this is healthy and will be good for you.

I care about you. Will you keep posting and provide updates on how you are doing?

Jump to this post

Thank you. I have been considering cards. Not sure how they would be received. Maybe for the future. I have journaled off and on for a very long time. I will try the group to see about a different way of approaching it.

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@junkartist I hope it helps, Keep in touch.

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I feel your pain. My adult son lives with us and has suffered for 8+ years with major depression and hypersomnia. He wants to be independent, and thinks that means not telling me anything so I won't be critical. Similarly he wants extravagant praise for small items. He has always been more emotionally sensitive and fragile than his parents, both of whom are INTJ on the old type talk categories. While I have no answers, the concepts in the book "How to talk so your children will listen and listen so kids will talk" are worthy, as are the old type talk differences. I'm also exploring whether a book called "Living Well on the Spectrum" has points to consider. Inviting them to "an excellent meal" and biting your tongue to not bring up anything of a personal nature sometimes helps. Good luck, keep trying, but hope there's a backdoor to re-engage.

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My wife's dad never had anything good to say about her or anyone and one day it came to a head and she said if you dont have anything good to say dont say it. 15 years later still no conversation between them and no relationship in sight.

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@pbmom

I feel your pain. My adult son lives with us and has suffered for 8+ years with major depression and hypersomnia. He wants to be independent, and thinks that means not telling me anything so I won't be critical. Similarly he wants extravagant praise for small items. He has always been more emotionally sensitive and fragile than his parents, both of whom are INTJ on the old type talk categories. While I have no answers, the concepts in the book "How to talk so your children will listen and listen so kids will talk" are worthy, as are the old type talk differences. I'm also exploring whether a book called "Living Well on the Spectrum" has points to consider. Inviting them to "an excellent meal" and biting your tongue to not bring up anything of a personal nature sometimes helps. Good luck, keep trying, but hope there's a backdoor to re-engage.

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Thank you. I'll look into those books

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@davej

My wife's dad never had anything good to say about her or anyone and one day it came to a head and she said if you dont have anything good to say dont say it. 15 years later still no conversation between them and no relationship in sight.

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It's good to know that other people have the same problems. Thanks for your story.

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The husband (now deceased) of a friend went through silence periods with one daughter, the biggest being about 5 years! He did pay for her college despite that, but she remained bitter. He was on depression meds, and probably resisted more or they weren't working. Keeping a line of communication open is hard but necessary

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@pbmom

The husband (now deceased) of a friend went through silence periods with one daughter, the biggest being about 5 years! He did pay for her college despite that, but she remained bitter. He was on depression meds, and probably resisted more or they weren't working. Keeping a line of communication open is hard but necessary

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All still keep some communication with the children. My youngest recently broke the silence. I'm glad I have him. I'm trying to keep busy. One person said you can only knock on doors so many times. It's hard to keep my mind off them, but it doesn't always work.

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