Problem Taking Showers

Thank You, , Colleen, I also was not aware of this. thank you for bringing this to my attention.

P.S. Love your postscript!

Georgie

I can't believe another tennis lover, you have good taste. We decided to go right to email to communicate but thank you for your suggestion. I guess tennis is too classy for some to even give it a chance to understand it. Oh well, to each their own. : )

I used to think I was clinically depressed or had chronic severe depression but since I’ve been on 40+ antidepressants over 40 years and nothing has worked, SSRI’s, SNRI’s tricyclics, MAOI’s, etc. I finally diagnosed myself with PTSD trauma from childhood who coped with learned behavior that doesn’t work as an adult.
I believe my depression is a symptom of that protective behavior and a child’s perception that helped me to cope as a child and stayed with me into adulthood.
Symptoms are depression, anxiety and low self esteem.
It’s been hard to find competent therapists, psychiatrists etc. The longer I’ve been in this “no good help to find” state the more conditioned I’ve become unconsciously to lose hope which subsequently leads to a kind of apathy and lack of motivation to do the basic of things. I used to own a restaurant, lived in Italy and France for 20 years, graduated from college, had long term romantic relationships, was a fine arts painter who showed all over the world, trained chef, speak 5 languages so I know the decline has been slow and hardly noticeable until all of a sudden you see what you did do and can’t do now.
Including taking a shower.
Going on SSI and Housing was the biggest mistake, I was homeless, panhandling and had no other thought but food and shelter. After 8 years in that situation the mental adjustment of lowering my expectations, allowing myself to dream, hope, set goals were completely dampened and then snuffed out.
Dr.’s still try to suggest this and that and I say been on that, did that treatment or therapy.
I'm on my own, trying to learn to be an adult, think and act like an adult not like the child that was traumatized but that self esteem thing is really hard. Fake it til you make it doesn’t work, doing esteemable acts and things to feel accomplishment is not how I feel afterwards, it’s a foreign concept I’ve never had.
Have not given up trying though. I believe the brain can change and mindset can overcome a lot.
Not religious so please no comments though I appreciate the power and relief it can have for others.

I’ve tried everything but it keeps coming back.

Dear Platapuss,

I have a friend who has tried (I think) every antidepressant made but she says that nothing helps so she gave up and went the wrong way and is self-medicating with a very dangerous pill. You are very accomplished and bright and have done so much in your life. I have heard of about a treatment that is out there and can be used to help those who don't get any help from the usual recommended antidepressants. I wish I could think of the name of the treatment but I'm sure you can find it by googling it. I feel badly that you are having such a difficult time for such a long time. My depression is nothing if I compare it to what you are going through. I have a very low tolerance for most antidepressants before I can find one that somewhat works with fewer side effects but how I feel is based mostly on financial issues and loss of my car so I am very isolated. Enough about me. Please try to find the treatment that I recommended, it is particularly good for people who cannot be help with the usual ways analysts, nurse practitioners, and psychiatrists use. Please don't give up and I know that's easy to say. If you want to keep me/us updated that would be great. The treatment that I mention is called Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). It is used for those who are drug resistant and nothing helps. Just look it up and don't be scared. It just might be helpful to you. Let me know how you feel about it. It seems to be the best way to go since nothing else hasn't helped. I'm surprised that this hasn't been discussed with you with other doctors.
Nancy : )

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.
Before I go into other therapies that I’ve tried or have been recommended for treatment resistant depression I need to preface that for 30+ years I was with the same psychiatrist and therapist who I trusted therefor able to be a ”Guinea pig”for every medication that came out starting with the 1st roll out of Prozac.
Therapist retired, psychiatrist got PTSD in 2017 when a natural disaster hit So. CA. rendered our city immobile, parts wiped out and washed away and several friends died. Then I lost my primary 2 months later.
No choice but to see Medi-cal providers I was shuffled through 15 or more, most of whom I saw 1 week to 3 months max. Wrong meds, wrong diagnosis, turn over so high, psychiatrists became medication managers with 10 minute sessions, knew nothing about my personal life, opioid epidemic severely impacted meds, therapeutic doseage, psychs and therapists wouldn’t collaborate with each other, some didn’t respect or approve what the other one was doing. I gave up. So for 8 years I’ve just done what I was told. Lots of abandonment with turn over leaving me cold turkey (not fun) followed by over or under prescribing, etc. Nightmare!
So trust, safety, and competence is HUGE issue I never had to deal with before.
I wanted EMDR, saw 4 providers one gave me unknowingly some kind of bio neuro feedback brain stimulation something like that without doing protocol brain mapping.
One out of pocket sucked $$ out of me for weeks insisting I begin with my trauma in the womb, another out of pocket promised EMDR but said I needed to be more stable before trying EMDR. I quit after 15 months still in “stabilization”. That’s the 1st time I ever quit a provider.
Long history, sorry.
My newest psychiatrist (3 sessions via telemedicine wants to put be me back on MAOI’s. I didn’t tolerate it 20 years ago bc I’ve always had slightly lower blood pressure was fainting right and left till I looked like a battered wife. He’s also suggesting TMS, Ketamine, MDNA, mushroom therapies which kind of terrifies me never having done recreational drugs in my life except marijuana in high school under peer pressure which I never liked.
I need a break to regroup and be able to secure my regular meds on a regular basis. 2 out of 3 times with new psych I’ve been left w/out timely refills. Cold turkey Alprazolam is deadly. I’ve been on that for 45 years unfortunately unaware of the dangers at the beginning so whatever damage to my brain cells is done. Years ago I self weaned to a quarter of the dose I was given so at 65 years old I’m not giving it up until I get competent help and won’t need it anymore.
Not subscribing to “cart before the horse” concept.
Last 8 years added a whole new trauma to deal with!
Thanks for listening, I hope you understand my trepidation for right now. Am not giving up but can’t imagine I’m unscathed by what I’ve been through not to mention what it’s done to my brain chemistry and neuro plasticity.
PS. I did voluntarily ask for ECT in 2015, something I could have never ever considered! My psychiatrist was trying to get me into UCLA but I had to get off Alprazolam for that. Weaned 10 months before I got a letter saying my Medi-cal wouldn’t cover it.
I’m glad I didn’t end up doing that.
@andytheman

Right there with you.
Read my response to @nscappa above.

@nscappa
Me again. I’ve read about the difficulties to shower, brush teeth, do basic functions… they call it ADHD paralysis.
Difficulty doing one thing whatever it is and difficulty moving from one task to another task. The effort makes one give up trying. I have that now as well.

@nscappa
I’m on Lexapro but after 4 years it did nothing so I’ve been on, off, higher, lower, combined with ___, the whole nine yards.
Been on Abilify too, surprise, another one of the 40+ meds. It’s different than an SSRI. It helped a tiny bit for a few months then stopped helping. Went back on it 3 years ago, didn’t do anything this time except had major weight gain. With all the Dr.’s I’ve had we just keep circling around with me saying “let’s try this again”. Becomes ridiculous.

Hi @nscappa
I just wrote a big reply but phone battery died and lost it all. Adressing financial problems, I definitely deal with that big time. Wish I hadn’t lost my entire response but I read someone suggested therapy and I highly recommend it (despite my miserable experiences). Try to find a good one that does a sliding scale for your income, sometimes it’s as low as $10-20.
SSI is my only income $1,100.
living in CA. with the highest inflation, food, rent, gas in the country. Have a car but can’t drive it, can’t afford registration, it’s almost 2 years without current registration, not to mention other basic necessities. Are you getting any financial aid; SSI, food stamps, section 8 housing, medi-cal health insurance etc.
I apologize for such an intrusive question. Not meant to be answered it’s just a possible (untenable) solution?