Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.
Before I go into other therapies that I’ve tried or have been recommended for treatment resistant depression I need to preface that for 30+ years I was with the same psychiatrist and therapist who I trusted therefor able to be a ”Guinea pig”for every medication that came out starting with the 1st roll out of Prozac.
Therapist retired, psychiatrist got PTSD in 2017 when a natural disaster hit So. CA. rendered our city immobile, parts wiped out and washed away and several friends died. Then I lost my primary 2 months later.
No choice but to see Medi-cal providers I was shuffled through 15 or more, most of whom I saw 1 week to 3 months max. Wrong meds, wrong diagnosis, turn over so high, psychiatrists became medication managers with 10 minute sessions, knew nothing about my personal life, opioid epidemic severely impacted meds, therapeutic doseage, psychs and therapists wouldn’t collaborate with each other, some didn’t respect or approve what the other one was doing. I gave up. So for 8 years I’ve just done what I was told. Lots of abandonment with turn over leaving me cold turkey (not fun) followed by over or under prescribing, etc. Nightmare!
So trust, safety, and competence is HUGE issue I never had to deal with before.
I wanted EMDR, saw 4 providers one gave me unknowingly some kind of bio neuro feedback brain stimulation something like that without doing protocol brain mapping.
One out of pocket sucked $$ out of me for weeks insisting I begin with my trauma in the womb, another out of pocket promised EMDR but said I needed to be more stable before trying EMDR. I quit after 15 months still in “stabilization”. That’s the 1st time I ever quit a provider.
Long history, sorry.
My newest psychiatrist (3 sessions via telemedicine wants to put be me back on MAOI’s. I didn’t tolerate it 20 years ago bc I’ve always had slightly lower blood pressure was fainting right and left till I looked like a battered wife. He’s also suggesting TMS, Ketamine, MDNA, mushroom therapies which kind of terrifies me never having done recreational drugs in my life except marijuana in high school under peer pressure which I never liked.
I need a break to regroup and be able to secure my regular meds on a regular basis. 2 out of 3 times with new psych I’ve been left w/out timely refills. Cold turkey Alprazolam is deadly. I’ve been on that for 45 years unfortunately unaware of the dangers at the beginning so whatever damage to my brain cells is done. Years ago I self weaned to a quarter of the dose I was given so at 65 years old I’m not giving it up until I get competent help and won’t need it anymore.
Not subscribing to “cart before the horse” concept.
Last 8 years added a whole new trauma to deal with!
Thanks for listening, I hope you understand my trepidation for right now. Am not giving up but can’t imagine I’m unscathed by what I’ve been through not to mention what it’s done to my brain chemistry and neuro plasticity.
PS. I did voluntarily ask for ECT in 2015, something I could have never ever considered! My psychiatrist was trying to get me into UCLA but I had to get off Alprazolam for that. Weaned 10 months before I got a letter saying my Medi-cal wouldn’t cover it.
I’m glad I didn’t end up doing that.
@andytheman

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