1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Obsessions and Selfishness: Just need to vent

Posted by minniem @minniem, Dec 20, 2024

Obsessions and Selfishness.

My husband was diagnosed at Mayo with CAA and it has peaks and valleys. He is 72 and I am 67. He does not need a full time caregiver, but I have to care for him a lot, including cleaning up after he has a bowel incontinence issue. He is very demanding and selfish and we argue a lot, even though I try to just do what he wants to avoid ugliness.

His latest obsessions are buying new things for the house - he is constantly shoving his phone in my face to buy this!
He is also obsessed with sex and often demands oral sex. I have gained 25 pounds and have no desire to lose it- because he will just want more sex.

I have no interest in having sex with him or interest in sex at all. It is difficult to feel romantic under these circumstances when it is all about him.

I do mot expect a miracle cure - I just need to vent.

I pray a lot and talk to Jesus- I know this is my place but I have trouble finding joy. I have given up so much of myself…but Jesus gave his life for me.

He has no hobbies- he does not like to read- do puzzles- or anything to stay busy or engaged.. he had/ has dyslexia and would have been diagnosed with ADD if it was done back then..

I am not retired and I have a full time work from home job. We are not in a financial position for me to retire- partly due to his spending before I took over our finances. He resents my working - but I like my job and it is keeping me sane.

A lot of you have it worse than I do and my heart goes out to you - as well as my respect and admiration.

I wish I could love him in my heart the way that I used to.

Thank you for reading my post.,

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

steilacoomcaregiver | @steilacoomcaregiver | Jun 18 8:22am
In reply to @minniem "Oh - the TV is exactly the same with us. We used to watch so many..." + (show)
@minniem

Oh - the TV is exactly the same with us. We used to watch so many shows together; we only have one left that he will watch with me. Thank you for sharing that bit.

Not watching TV together and sharing our thoughts / comments is another thing we have lost.

For my situation, I try not to make explicit comments. He will either get mad, take them the wrong way, or throw it back to me as my fault and my problem.

It is much easier for me to try to divert or stall him.

Keep the faith - we understand.

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I am in agreement about the simple things lost. Like watching a movie together. We are not quite there totally but there is minimal interest in many enjoyable things we did in the past. WIth a limited attention span even going out to enjoy the summer yard does not bring pleasure. It becomes more difficult to share experiences and find common ground.

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pamela78 | @pamela78 | Jun 19 7:22am
In reply to @maryvc "Just tried to have sex again. Just like he gets lost in a grocery store or..." + (show)
@maryvc

Just tried to have sex again. Just like he gets lost in a grocery store or telling off and on and left and right and here and there, it’s the same with sex. It used to be so good and now we are both lost in this disease. sad.
Thank you for being here. I feel less alone. The saddest is that I can’t cover up my disappointment, sadness, anger.
I can’t fake it and then I feel bad for him.
I guess this is all part of it.

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I value honesty so I don't like lying to my husband, even about little things, like the caregiver support group I attend once a month. I tell him it's a group of women who discuss aging. It includes men and is for caregivers of someone with dementia. He doesn't admit he has Alzheimer's and I don't want to make him anxious or sad. I guess the kindest thing is to tell "white lies" if that will keep him on an even keel. I'm taking over more of the routine tasks around the house without saying anything and he seems relieved that I do. He has certain things he prides himself on doing and I'll let him keep doing them as long as he can: unload the dishwasher, make the bed, take out the garbage, things like that. This business doesn't get easier but I'm getting better at handling it.

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1 reply
wmc | @wmc | Jun 19 4:57pm
In reply to @pamela78 "I agree. This group is the best and I'm so grateful to have found it." + (show)
@pamela78

I agree. This group is the best and I'm so grateful to have found it.

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This site has been life saving, thank you all.

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jeanadair123 | @jeanadair123 | Jun 19 5:37pm
In reply to @jeanadair123 "First I would like to say that venting on Mayo connect really helps. I don’t share..." + (show)
@jeanadair123

First I would like to say that venting on Mayo connect really helps. I don’t share what is happening with my friends they know some minor things but I prefer to keep anything else to myself, I know my friends mean well and they worry about me but I don’t want to spend the time I have talking about it.There is only my husband and I no family since I was born in the UK. I am sure my husband has MCL our doctor did a minor test and suggested a neurologist which after much research and finding the right one I found when I called he had just retired. Normally I can get my act together but my husband fell and broke his finger, a trip to urgent care confirmed this today and they gave him a splint and a referral to see a specialist for follow up. It has been quite a year since last year he fractured two vertebrae’s in his back. The splint has gone missing because he does not want to wear it and after constantly asking him to wear it I broke down, I said I was leaving for a while he said not without me and blocked the door. I said I hated him with tears running down my face, I was horrified to hear this out of my mouth especially when he said I will always love you and please don’t leave. OMG all I could think of is this something he will remember and what if it’s the last thing I get to say. I have tried so hard to bite my tongue and normally if I do life is bearable. Thanks for listening. 😢

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I just read what I wrote. My that must’ve been a really bad bad day. Hasn’t been like that since nothing that I can’t handle other than we now have another problem because his prostrate cancer has returned and now he has to be on a ADT.
Pills and a shot so hopefully that will be doable. I didn’t mention the C word to him. I just told him that this was a preventative procedure.?
I haven’t told anyone other than my best friend since if we meet someone, I don’t want them to accidentally say I am so sorry in front of him. I consider this just another hurdle since this is the third time it has come back.

REPLY
jeanadair123 | @jeanadair123 | Jun 19 5:41pm
In reply to @pamela78 "I value honesty so I don't like lying to my husband, even about little things, like..." + (show)
@pamela78

I value honesty so I don't like lying to my husband, even about little things, like the caregiver support group I attend once a month. I tell him it's a group of women who discuss aging. It includes men and is for caregivers of someone with dementia. He doesn't admit he has Alzheimer's and I don't want to make him anxious or sad. I guess the kindest thing is to tell "white lies" if that will keep him on an even keel. I'm taking over more of the routine tasks around the house without saying anything and he seems relieved that I do. He has certain things he prides himself on doing and I'll let him keep doing them as long as he can: unload the dishwasher, make the bed, take out the garbage, things like that. This business doesn't get easier but I'm getting better at handling it.

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You could have written that for me? All we can do is take it a day at a time. 😍

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