No more Driving

In 1935 she probably didn't need to read a manual! My uncles who were older than my Dad said all they had to do was show the examiner that they knew how to shift into 1st, 2nd, 3rd and reverse without stalling and that the headlights worked.
We had this very difficult discussion with two family members this weekend (husband and wife) and I know we are going to have to intervene with their physician and or the DMV as each believe the other is impaired, but not them. Their children and grandchildren have taken a hands off approach...
When my Mom lost her license, we disabled her car until we could sell it because she was sure evaluator and I were "mean" and she was competent.
I pray that when I reach that point, I will have the wisdom my grandfather had, and will realize I should not endanger myself and others - he voluntarily sold his car when his reflexes became too slow. My Mom, Dad, brother and I were happy to act as chauffeurs for him and my Grandma for the last several years of their lives. Besides, he always put gas in my car for me!
Sue
Sue

Lewy body and driving
My husband who was diagnosed with lewy body dementia. Had to take drivers test and passed with mo restrictions volunteers at a big concert in our area. He is concierge to the musicians. He loves it! I had to tell him he can still do his job but he cant drive anyone around. He can only drive himself. I talked to the head of company putting on the 2 day concerts. He said he understood and very much appreciated my husband volunteering. I tried to be nice when telling him. He got very angry. He said but I dont have any symptoms. Then I was going to tell them. But you have to be the boss. I drive just fine. Yes but u drive only yourself. So you concentrate fully on driving. He wouldnt talk the rest of the evening. Hr has dr appt this aft. Said I wasnt allowed to go with him. He was doing himself! I have been going with since last sept when we started this journey. He doesnt remember what was said during appts.
It is hard to be the person who has to say you cant do this anymore. You hate to point out yes you do have symptoms but you dont realize it. It was a long day.
We had been going to go thru his passwords for our bills. We spent 2 1/2 hours amd only got thru to E! He rakes a long time to process how to move thru the steps to add a person on an acct. Then tells me I am after his “money”!
Thanks for listening.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It is very difficult and I wish I could tell you it gets better, but so far I've not found it to be so. My father lives with his wife (younger so still working) near me, we've taken away his car keys and he is very angry with us because of it. I've been a bit of a buffer for his wife so she can care for him and I take the blame for his not driving which only goes so far. We've stalled saying that a doctor needs to allow him to drive, the problem is he actually drives well, but he gets lost for hours and hours in a 4 block area. Eventually he might get home but he is exhausted and out of it by that time. We told him that he was not allowed to drive and he fights it constantly, he gave us the car keys after being lost for 6 hours going in circles but he does not remember. This has been a constant problem, he does not have a grasp of reality of where he lives and confuses houses. He seems to forget everything except about the car, we've offered to drive him places and he wants the independence of driving himself. All that to say that I know what you are going thru and I'm sorry, you just have to not take anything personal which is impossible I know. I struggle with this constantly, I've never had any sort of argument with my father until he started to have memory and reality problems. I try to remember that this is something that he can't help just like any other sort of illness, but it's difficult. Stay strong and venting in these groups is cathartic.

I have been where you are. I am still there. My loved one says he has a problem, but thinks I am "beating on him" when I point out conversations he doesn't remember or when I point out what he can and can't do anymore. He only admits this problem when he has difficulty getting his words out, or forgets the name of something, almost as a way of apologizing. But the rest of what he does or says or hears or even experiences, he can't remember. And I hear that he either never "said that", or "did that", or "experienced that". And then he gets very obstinate. So I hear you and I sympathize with you. I feel your pain.

@bobbisedlmayr, you might also be interested in this related discussion:
- No More Driving: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/no-more-driving/

@johnna16 started the discussion when her husband’s doctor told him it was time to stop driving. Fellow members @windyshores @covidstinks2020 @jenatsky and many others jumped in to share their experiences and tips when having the no more driving conversation with family members.

With respect to financial matters, you may also appreciate this discussion:
- Spouse with cognitive problems and finances
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/spouse-with-cognitive-problems-and-finances/
Were you able to accompany your husband to his medical appointment?

My husband has MCI and did the driving test in March 2023 per doctors recommendation right after the diagnosis. I was so panicked that he would not pass. I prayed and prayed that he would still be able to drive. He did well and passed w restrictions to only drive to familiar places, no inclement weather and no nighttime driving. It was recommended to repeat in 9 months. It is now time and he is putting off another evaluation. He has been ok but his judgement is off and more time confusion etc. This morning he was forgetting the steps in making eggs. He has been having sleep issues and there are more wonky days. Today I suggested he not drive until another evaluation. He is appropriately down and upset with me.
I have to say now I panic thinking he could have a miss and just that could be detrimental to him or someone else. God forbid.
Now I am almost praying he does not pass.
Bad morning but good talk.
This is hard.

I have same problem with my 80 yr old husband. He knows he can’t handle any traffic but insists he drive us to church 8 blocks away which includes parking while I hold my breath. I have had this problem with my parents and did it wrong once and right the second time. First time we took away the keys, it was both a constant fight and painful to us all. When we finally sold my mother’s car it broke her heart and I would never take that symbol of freedom away again! The second time my brother did something so the car wouldn’t work and dad accepted that the car needed to be fixed and would then forget about taking his car. That scenario worked well over and over and eventually…
My husband is content with his short drives but I know it will end soon but I will never take his keys or car away.

Oh Mary, I feel for you and your husband. It was so difficult for my Mom, but having the evaluator be the final arbiter made it a little less painful, because we could both view him as the "bad guy".
I also remember my Dad stopping his uncle from driving by disabling the car. He was a former mechanic, but couldn't even remember how to open the hood latch. And he was too cheap to pay for a tow truck, so that was it!
Sue

My husband has MCI and is still driving. No one suggested a test...yet. I drive us wherever we have to go if it's any distance. He still drives to familiar places but needs to be reminded of the route multiple times before he goes. I have a question about your brother's solution. Did your dad try to have the car repaired? Did he call a repair shop to pick up the car? If so, how did you guys handle that? I'm just thinking ahead and trying to plan out some options.
I'm sorry you're going through this with your husband. My husband is 77 and has been losing his memory for several years, but we just got this diagnosis a few months ago. Finally. Good luck to you.

By the time we disabled Dad’s car, he was not capable of looking up the number to get in touch with a repair shop so that never happened and when he asked about why he couldn’t drive he was easily distracted by saying the car needed repair. But my husband had not been driving for sometime after his memory began to leave him and he just ran his car in the driveway to keep it up. Then one day the battery died and he began insisting we have it fixed and I needed to call the shop which is about 10-15 minutes away. I called the shop and explained the problem to the owner who was more than sympathetic and I drove the car to him for a general maintenance check then he drove me home. We did the reverse when it was ready as my husband could not drive that far in traffic.
The expense to bring my husband’s beloved older sports car up to maintenance was not cheap but it was worth the money for him to be able to know his car was ok. This all has a lot to do with the sense of freedom a car symbolizes and is a delicate issue. While my husband is still able to drive back roads to church, I will let him do so with my guidance and presence. The interesting thing to know is that my husband was getting worse suddenly and was then diagnosed with tongue cancer. He has undergone surgery which was rough but we increased his aricept and surgery was highly successful with clear results and no chemo or radiation. He is now doing much better emotionally, speech wise and memory wise so I am thinking the cancer was affecting his dementia. He also worsens if he has had more than one beer in a day or is tired so I have been trying to pay closer attention to sources of confusion and get health maintenance done often to slow his downward progression. I am just so happy to be able to keep him close to me as long as I can. God bless you as this is sometimes mental gymnastics for us all!