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Posted by Chad @chadley, 2 days ago

Hello all. My dad has dementia. He's 81. My mom, who passed last year, was hiding it until she became ill. We have records going back 4-5 years noting cognitive decline, dementia and falls. Since my moms passing my dad has made poor decisions with a new girlfriend, lost his drivers license (he failed the cognitive test twice), constantly forgets things and has declined where almost all people notice he has an issue. We stepped forward moving for an emergency conservatorship because he planned to marry and couldn't understand his new girlfriend was balking at a prenup. Since then I've learned more about dementia, but my heart hurts because my dad won't see me, yells at me if I do get him on the phone or texts me hurtful things at random times. I know I'm doing the right thing and my dad would want me to do it if I told him this 10 years ago. It's just hard wanting to have a conversation with him and the proverbial lights just aren't on with him. Once the conservatorship is finalized, we have fears the girlfriend will bail, routines will change and depression will hit. A bit overwhelming.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | 2 days ago

@chadley Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect!! I’m sure the members will step to give some guidance. Since non of us licensed medical persons, we cannot diagnose or suggest treatments. Members just give guidance based on their own experiences. But, it’s a great group and I’m sure you will get some help!

celia16 | @celia16 | 1 day ago

I’m sorry about your father. I know firsthand how difficult it is to face this.

It’s good you stepped in to get guardianship. Hope it goes smoothly. Will you or a professional be in charge of the decisions for your father? I’d discuss it thoroughly with the attorneys and the court because it’s a huge responsibility. Hope you have help.

People with dementia often are resistant to care and act in ways that are not in their best interest. It can be hurtful and frustrating. Keep learning as much as you can about his condition. And get support from family, friends and support groups. Sites like this one are invaluable, imo.

My dad had Alzheimer’s for quite a few years. His symptoms weren’t severe until the end, but caring for him was a huge endeavor. We did have good times though and I cherish those memories. While dementia can change a lot about the person, in my dad’s case, he retained most of his qualities and we miss him dearly.

I’m sure on some level your dad welcomes help from his family. I hope that brings you comfort.

ocdogmom | @ocdogmom | 18 hours ago

I am sorry about your challenges with your father. I am caring for my husband who was a brilliant physician, master bridge player and active outdoorsman. He is none of those things anymore. The hardest part for me of this dementia journey is accepting that his behavior today is not that of the man I married 44 years ago it is the dementia. I have gained a lot of understanding of the disease and its effects by educating myself about the different types of dementia and the way that the brain changes over time. These changes affect everything because the whole brain is involved. I think you have done the best thing for him in gaining conservatorship. He needs someone to make decisions in his best interest. There is a lot of support out there. The Alzheimers Association has many resources that you can avail yourself of online. Try to take it one day at a time.